STRANGER'S DISEASE: 2013

untitled #1

I go deep into the sea

wishing for it to take my agony away

but the water is so cold

I'm... I'm alive again

simple math

it is very hard
to grow up
with an anchor
holding you back

no.1 party anthem

it's not like I'm falling in love

I just want you

to do me no good

and you look like you could

the daughter of the ocean

I wish I was the daughter of the ocean

I wish I was the freedom itself

within violence and calm and rest

I could be all those things

I wish I was the daughter of the ocean

so I could swim freely among clouds

so I could easily spill through

every rock and every mouth

there's still only one reason

why I wish I could be born to the ocean

so I could escape

and run away and no one

will ever catch me

and I could be strong enough

to destroy people's lives

and still be the thing you need

to have to continue your life

as it is

if I was the daughter of the ocean I could be invincible

I could be everywhere I want to

I could be next to you,

invisible

if I was the daughter of the ocean

I could break seams

break out of molds and containers and hold ships

have no ends at all

I could be anything I would crave to be

a lake, a drop, a cloud, a wave.

the possibilities could be never ending

and the places

oh, the places!

I could go

I'm just amazed to think

I could be the calm, warm sea of Ibiza

and the violent, raw Antartic Ocean

and now I look and I thing

I am the daughter of the ocean

for one simple reason

I myself

I am infinite

teen idle

I wish I've been I wish I've been a teen teen idle

I wish I'd been a prom queen,

fighting for the title

Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible

feeling super super

suicidal

november credits

I'm already so used to

not thinking

that I'm really scared

of writing again

everyday
I think about the people who hurt me
I name them all
I name their faults

and then I cry, sometimes
but what's for sure is that
no matter how much hurt I feel
I always find a way through which

I break apart myself
pulling the little strings at the seams
telling myself that I'm an idiot
and that it's always my fault

it is then
just like everyone else
that I discover
the one who hurts me the most

is me
and only me

threads of memory

envy is on the lips

which are set upon yours

gently

while my mouth gets dryer and dryer

haste is on the lips

set upon mine

which are

by no means

as promising as yours

yet we both get our distractions

and while you're able to forget

I ache at the very thought

oh if I only could break

madness

come to me
just in a dream.
come on and rescue me.
yes I know
I can be wrong

maybe I'm too headstrong.
our love is

madness

wished it happened

weird isn't it
we are both so unlucky

dead end

I'm looking for a dead end song
you wish that smoke
could change its color
I love it when you talk so much
and act like nothing went wrong

I'm looking for a dead end song
while we sit and find flaws in everyone
I want to keep you by my side
holding off tidal waves

like you did to me

if only you knew
I'm the person behind
the curtain
which does not
let you win
anything
at all

justify and expand

and even if we pick up little fights all the time

and most our friends hate them

I love them because

it proves

you still

care

too much

about me

so you need

to let me know

that

you are

superior to me

and make me aware

about the fact that you

are stronger than me

when truth is

I love you fierce

and I love you competitive

because it reminds me

that you pay attention to what I do

and examine every detail

to prove me wrong

which means

you

think

about

and you can't win this argument at all.

when I leave, will you miss me?

we're in contact
we're in contac
we're in conta
we're in cont
we're in con
we're in co
we're in c
we're in
we're i
we're
we'r
we'
w
wh
whe
when
when I
when I l
when I le
when I lea
when I leav
when I leave
when I leave y
when I leave yo
when I leave you

nicotine

I've tasted you on my lips
and I can't get rid of you
so I say damn
your kiss and
the awful things you do

you're worse than nicotine

not even with delicacy

fuck

I love you

I talked about you all day

and even pretending to hate you

I love you so much

it will tear me apart

only because I know that

you simply don't want me

and my narcissistic self

still feels the sting

of not having you

wanting me

(it's just so unfair

you see?

I wish I could stop

I swear I wish I could.)

you're behind my walls

the walls of my room and

the walls of my mind

freely bouncing around

I wish I could talk about you

and not want to disappear

I wish I could talk to you

without wanting to keep you near

it's sickening

how you make me feel

I used to be a normal person

now look at me

please

just take a look

what can you see?

there's nothing but a broken desire

and pale hands

sends it back to a friday

I will forever regret
ink
and paper
and marks on paper

and not finding a good reason to lie
or a wat to shake out the way
you made me feel

and the smirk is permanent
on my mind
it's sending cold shivers
down my spine

all for a good cause
no force no crime
ever committed
but I can't think of one reason

to think what I did was fine

not the sun

be my serene
tell me you know what I mean
you've set on me but you're not the sun
you're not the sun
(burn it down)
outside your cold lips again
(come around)
you've set on me but you're not the sun

you're not the sun

just pretend that you love me

quest

I have the eternal suspicion
that what I did was okay
but that sudden warmth was
what made me stop

and think
about what the
actual f-
was going on

and it was so nice and
I was shaking
it was just a second

it kept me thinking
that rush
for two hours and a half
on the bus ride

seventy-three metres

I can still hear his voice
it's like everytime I turn around it's the same
playground
and the cold floor just shining
and

I can still smell him in
like
everyone
on the buses he's not even on

like
am I crazy
am I sleep depravated
I just
really need

this

to come to an end

I can't cope with you
being around
so much
when still there's like
seventy three meters
of self-imposed distance

only at seven

I'm digging my nails into my skin
leaving crescent moon scars
because
I can't
sleep
at all

it's so not alarming

dementia

I hate
the way
you know
I don't sleep

and yet
the only thing you do
is diagnose me with
dementia

and instead of asking
why
you just say
'you should sleep'

I hate the way
you read my tweets
point out my gramatical
errors

but never
ever
ever
ask me what's wrong

it's only time
it will only take a few days
till you find this
and say

'are you okay?'

is this pain between the shoulderblades supposed to be defeat?

I wish I was strong
strong enough to build walls
with my own bloody sweaty hands
brick after brick scar after scar

I wish I was strong
strong enough to punch through the walls
or maybe split a table in half
and hold up the weight of an elephant

I wish I was strong, I said
I wish I was something I'm not
I certainly say I am strong
truth is my core is immensely weak

weak like the sunlight on the face of the Arctic (and cold as the Arctic too)
weak like a feather o maybe
just weak as veins
cut me open and I'll bleed out

I wish I was strong enough
to hold myself in one piece
to hold my tears infront of strangers
to accept defeat

I tell myself 'I know'
'I know I'm not strong'
'I know I'm a complete failure and everything I do is wrong'
the voice inside my head mumbles, 'no, you're not'

if I wasn't strong enough
I wouldn't be here
living through the pain between my shoulderblades
swallowing the tight knot around my neck

if I wasn't strong enough I wouldn't have dreams
I wouldn't believe
I couldn't believe

if I was
something I am not
maybe I'd be gone
I prefer not to know

strobe light

something in the way

you move around me

or the way your affection climbs on me

seemingly unwantedly

it was fine at first

maybe it was part of the

'getting to know each other better'

well I can't deny I didn't want you to

but times changed

and now I just can't simply feel the same

about how you think love is weird

and yet how you react to me is completely opposite

I've got theories you see

I find things while you're asleep

I'm not a spy

but I certainly can see things no one else can

or maybe no one suspects

given by recent facts maybe I'm not watching the whole picture

should I dare to ask?

what is it?

how did you tie this knot around me?

I am too afraid of saying things I should not say

I'm worried about effects

mostly on you

under the strobe light you just watched me too much

I wondered if you are happy

(if I make you happy)

what is it

I don't know

I don't dare ask

I just don't know how

winds may change

I tried to pick myself up. I swear I tried every day. But just like my string theory proposes, I was tied to my brother, and he was under the ground. I was tied to the ground, and my center of gravity didn't seem to work when I tried to stand up for myself.

string theory II

have I ever told you about

the strings theory?

I think I made it up

I'm not sure

too much time on the train platform

too much time and too many buses

made me realise about one and only thing

we are connected

interconnected

by strings

some of them stronger than others

some of them unknown

some weary

and always, always breakable

and these strings knit up

not a coat

but maybe a soul

which resides not in us

but in everything we are

and by everything I mean everyone

strings are made of people who are made of people

you are as much as me as I am of you

we are the same

some threads vary

yes

but look at how many strings we share

and maybe tightening the knots takes time

I know

I really want you to think about it

think about people

think about love, hate, fear

think about it all and see how absurds life seems to be

when we are all the same things

simple strings

then why are we lovers and enemies?

well, I haven't yet discovered

help me find out

the one and only: knees

this is my only consent
this is and will be
forever
the only reason I will awake

every morning
to find me
starving of your
face

----
classrooms and hallways
don't really mean much
and won't mean much when you're gone

if only
if only I wasn't such a proud
little jerk
I could be better at who I am
----
fuck, I didn't think I'd miss you this much.

----
I sat at the edge of the stairs
the absent silence
of your hands and maybe also your knees
or your hand on my knee

the glimpse of a touch
just makes my heart
restart
over and over like a wrecked piece of material

----
where are you now?

----
why am I in love?
how stupid
how stupid

I shouldn't be like this
I should be someone I'm proud of
(but I can't help it
I'm proud of us)

----
I'm in your dreams
your handwriting
messages
I'll be there
just hang on
let me hang on
to the memory of
the fading
touch

it's about time

I love you
you're cute
and I like your smile
and I love it when I make you smile
you're like contagious
I always need more of you to be okay
I don't know how to say this
but I contemplate your stupidly perfect face
everyday
and then I just suddenly see your eyes watching me
and it makes me love you a little bit more
and I took so many pictures of you
oh jesus I have so many pictures of you
and many memories
and I just love that you
are going through the same
things as me
I love the fact that you like me as I am
even if I'm still far away
my fingertips
get closer
get closer
I love you and I'm sorry
I've muttered I hate yous your way
five hundred times
truth be told
I'm deeply in love with you
and I want to smash my head against a wall
because it hurts to be
like this
and knowing you've hurt me before
but I love you I love you I love you
I haven't been in love for such
a long
time
and this is so long and stupid and it's late
but I just hope you can get to trust (love) me
as much
as I do
(or want to do)

string theory

"its useless!" he screamed, in a sudden violent rage that made me snap out of whatever I was thinking. the sudden halt in his sanity worried me. "it's useless!" he screamed again, getting on his feet, worrying to kick the duvet at his feet over and over again. "all of this, it's fucking useless! there's no point, absolutely no point in running from your demons because you are tied, like really fucking tied to them, and avoiding them will not get you anywhere. stop it with the useless effort to hide yourself from everything, when it's right behind the door! do you hear me? your efforts are always fucking useless!"

walking by

who cares who cares who cares I mean even if someone says something it's not like she knows the whole situation maybe like we were talking about it before they can't know it's not like I said something wrong but no like I gave the wrong example it's just I can't stop thinking about him and like I'm all the time wishing he was in my life when he's not and well maybe sometimes but sometimes is not enough they don't know what was going on, relax, she'd be the one standing in the wrong place. and who cares about her? who cares about me? will he care? no. it'll be fine. it's gonna be okay.

three months and no money

it's not me
it's you
actually it might only be
me

even if I'm trying too hard
to push the blame on you

it was me
who fell
and now
can't
get
up

it doesn't mean I've forgiven her
it doesn't mean I'm not hurt

I'm really really really hurt I hope you know

the one and only: angel

'I have a friend
who says you're an angel'
I told him
and he laughed

like I didn't think he was an angel too
maybe I am lying, I thought
maybe I'm the one who thinks he's an angel, I thought
he probably is, I thought
-----
where is he when I want him the most?
back home, probably
my friends say I should forget about it
but seriously I can't I can't I can't
------
I know alcohol is not your thing
but maybe it'll get you in the mood to kiss me
I'm really drunk and maybe this could be my chance
but knowing what you feel is like getting blood out of a stone

I wanted to tell him he's an angel
and he's seriously pretty when he smiles
-------

his eyes were dead when I told him I loved him

--------
now they're dark blue
like they've always been
dark blue, wow
who has those eyes apart from you?
----------
'my eyes may be amazing but
yours are nothing special and I still love them'
he said

'you're special'
he said

so are you, angel, I thought.
you were from the start, angel, I thought.
never stop smiling, angel, I thought.
please never stop brightening my days, angel, I thought.

strings

how is it possible

I only write about

the same four people

when everyone around me

is so intriguing?

I wish I could write as much

as I write about

the kiss you never gave me

about things like spring

or my favorite song

or England

but then all of those little strings

are connected to a major vessel

which always

ends up in the same heart

I wished something

caught my attention a bit more

became a little bit more relevant every day

I swear I try; it just never applies

maybe I'm dead inside

not in here

remember when

I told you

you couldn't smoke in bed

and you just laughed

I pushed you out of the bed

and as you closed the door I fell asleep

I woke up

like I always did

in the darkness, by nightmares

and you were just there lying on your back

one hand searching for mine

then I remember I closed the door

and sat on the floor of our new living room

we had no curtains because we had just moved in

but the moon was so beautiful I sat there to contemplate

I let my anxiety take over me

I let my worries take over me

I let everything you're not

take over me

then I heard your footsteps

and you stopped just far for me to turn and find you there standing

with a glass of water dangling from your hand

you asked if I was fine

I said yes

but you sat by my side

and we talked about life

and maybe it was that

that confirmed

I loved you

even when I was at my worse

you were there

even when you smoke in bed

or didn't take out the trash

you would interrupt your sleep

to stay with me

when there was no one before

kill the messenger

oh my god it hurts like hell

I had that dream again

where I was lost for good in outer space

tell me doctor

how to shake

a waking nightmare that is only worse

when I am sleeping

kill the messenger

I swear it's not me

it's just someone I used to know

and get to church cause you're a good girl

(but I never told you that)

underneath it all

could be the thing that keeps us both

locked up here forever

I'm gonna send a little rain

Your way

I have insomnia again and I'll name my headaches after you

I have insomnia again

well I've been having insomnia for like

three months now

and maybe it's fear

I can't face an entire week

I just can't go straight through

and I have the lowest self esteem

I eat more than I should

I know, I didn't want to admit it

but I am depressed

I'm on the verge of tears

sometimes I get drunk on my own

see if I can forget you

but the only thing I get

is a headache the next day

and of course and empty bed

don't forget to remind I can't call you

even if we are supposed to be friends

but I'm so stuck with my loneliness

I can't believe you broke me like this

I thought it would be a children's play

add all of this to the september stress

it's far too late

I've been hearing songs about California

and songs about not sleeping

my head splits

my neck hurts

please let me be okay

things were supposed to work by now

I was supposed to be happy by now!

what became of the dreamer I used to be?

I just want to sleep

please

maybe I remember you

I remember when it stung
when watching the pictures hurt
it was back then I remember
I missed you so much

and it was like yesterday
I could touch your hair
and now the only images
are stored in my head

and now even then
when I see you there just standing
it somewhat hurts

but
one year is a long time
two years is a long time
and six years is a very, very long time

maybe your perfume is gone
and I've simply forgotten what was your favourite colour

maybe six years didn't make me strong
they made me numb
I forgot what missing you, touching you
kissing you and even remembering you was like

and maybe not remembering how to feel is the best thing
because if I ever remember
it will hurt

I just hope I don't

teenage anxiety late-night lullaby

go to sleep
tangled in between the dreams
and the surreal
of the sheets

go to sleep
and forget the heavy heart
is chasing you
let it rest; let yourself rest

give your breath a chance to settle
become less aware of your nose or freckles
and make your dreams lucid
like little stars behind your eyelids

go to sleep
and dream about bears and snowy mountains
of fall, rain or Prague
actually dream about whatever you want

whatever will take your head away

go to sleep
and hop off the carousel
your world won't end
if you shut it down
for a while

maybe after a long night
your chest will rise
blood will pump
and everything will be alright

or maybe it won't
but at least
you have enough strength
to carry on

lunch break

'have you noticed

that things aren't

like they were before?'

'what do you mean?'

'these friendships-

are they real?

I haven't seen them happening

where does this love come from?'

'maybe

things changed

but we stayed static.

like always'

'what if we did change?'

'then we grew up.'

'we grew cold.'

one-hundred and eighty

you've got those

horrible t shirts

and that tired

hollow smirk

you embarrass yourself

all the time

you say things without

thinking about consequences and such

and you just

don't

care

that is what makes

you

my complement

my only one

and I can't help but love

your terrible

sense of fashion

and that lousy smile

but what I love more

is the one you have

when I make you laugh
every night

stop winking

I began writing a letter
to you
about the story
of how I hated the glass between us

but the paper slipped and
the ink run off
maybe it was a sign
that I had nothing to say

I incessantly have the need
of reassuring myself
with knowing
clearly
what's happening

and the thing with you is
I have no idea
what is happening
between us

I can't live without symmetry
or order
and your edges are smudged
and you're a complete mess

but you're
so
like
me

we were dead before the ship even sank

because even
if there are many possibilities
I was convinced (deep inside)
that we would not coincide

and we did
just
like
we always do

we are
anchored
anchored
anchored

want it or not
but we're going
down
together

tiffany blews

not the girl I was
the girl I am
is just venting, venting

dear gravity
you held me down
in this
starless
city

train back home

bored
confused
unintentionally self conscious

and you
and you
and you
are not
h e l p i n g

let loose

why would the fuck
anyone
care
about me

if I leave
am I not supposed
to be free?

call me an idiot
or call me your savior
but I think life is worth the living

and I
wait till you let
the leash
go

and then maybe I'll run
back down
to where
my heart
(knows)
it belongs

fuck literature

I
suck
at
metaphors
and
comparisons

but
I
think
saying
that

I
love
you

is
way
better
than
addressing
it
with
nice
catchy
words

logan to government center

you are a blue-eyed lightning bolt
I'm a national phenomenon
nothing's aboslutely definite
till it's absolutely, definitely gone

sand

life is not a beautiful beach

or a perfect wave

maybe life is just

the hot sand under my soles

it burns like hell

stings and leaves scars

I tried to run from it but got burnt

and in the end,

when dawn came

and I sat down by salty splashes,

it was the most reassuring

welcoming

warm

ending

to a long day

tricky

I've never been in love

but

if I happen to be

I hope it's with you

caged

there are hosts in here tonight

none of which I like

they hear inside my head

like the madness in disguise

even if I'm told to be

stronger than I seem

I'm just broken

I'm just broken... and on my own.

buried by my secrets

carry it like a loan

I'm scared of confinement

and of being alone

even when I'm forced to bend

I break out of the seams

I'm not able

I'm not able... of control

all this water

all this things

they keep freezing

drowning me

all my mistakes

seem to be

taking measures

just to break

what's inside of me

or what's left

or what't left

of my sanity

phone

and I call her on the phone
she asks me how I have been
so far
like 'how are you, emotionally?'

and outside the sun sets
I look out the window and sigh
like
'yeah, I'm okay'

'I'm just a little stressed'

but how can I say

I'm not okay
I'm worse than before
I think I'm losing everything
leaving it all

no, I don't think I'm okay
but maybe it's me in a cage
it's just the mere perception
I hang onto

like maybe it's just a phase
or a feeling
but I can't wash it away

and oh yeah by the way
I'm not sleeping well
I'm having nightmares again

'I guess
I'm just stressed,
but the rest
is well'

J.L.

lacey lacey lacey
just tie down whatever you are thinking
and simply put yourself down to earth
you can do this

lacey lacey lacey
you may want this more than anyone
and I can assure you
I feel the same

what do I get
for all this loving
fly around the world
and find nothing

always slipping from my hands
lacey
lacey come back

where are you
dearest poet
dearest preacher
dearest dearest dearest

inside the school bag

parties

god I can't sleep
like seriously
I'm going
mad
and it's just not
light
for me

yesterday I walked for miles
until I thought it was time to make myself in
and I drank way too much coffee

all because
you
were going to be there

I noticed we bare ly ta lk e d
I took pictures of you
that now I can't bare to look at

sure thing I shouldn't blame insomnia on you
but it's so unsettling
so upsetting
just like you

grace

I wished he watched me while I made things
things like thinking or drawing on my arms
I wished he noticed me when I laugh or when I try to smile
because I know he likes to see me like that

but the more I think about
him watching me
the more empty I become
those eyes are gone

afterlife drabbles #2

never be okay with anyone or anything if you are not okay with yourself first. learn that the person that must be the most important to you is yourself: dedicate time to realise about how you feel or how you wish you felt. draw up plans to achieve whatever you have in mind and just remember that you can do it, but just don't do it for somebody else. having a limit, a deadline of some sort will just block your mind. remind yourself that your only spectator has to be yourself if you wish it to be that way, the only reader, the only listener. do things you'd want to do. say things you'd want to hear. be the person you wish you'd met. because maybe that person exists, it's you

feedback

sometimes
it just takes time
and some other times
it takes patience
and work
but it always takes
its god
damned
time

fireworks

so this is the end
of you and me
we had a good run
now I'm setting you free
to do as you want
to do as you please
without me

remember when
you were my boat
and I was your sea
together we'd float
so delicately

but that
was back
when we could talk
about
anything

issues

now this is off my chest
and pulling you off never felt so good
left behing your perfect grin
and heavenly blue eyes

and I'm totally okay with that
I'm not going
to let you
control my life

there's a hole in my chest

there's a hole in my chest!
and you can't see it
because life in its metaphorical sense
is inert

(and so am I)

there's a hole in my chest
like you burnt me through
all the way down to my soul

my throat tightens

I need to s c r e a m these words
but the hole in my chest took out my l u n g s
I hope you hear me,
I hope you can see me

falling through

hold me down

and from below the corner of my eye

I see the life I once loved

and the person I once knew

but it's just not us

anymore

the water's running wild

and I can't stop moving forward

there's no such thing as

unconventional

lovers

there's no such thing as

mistakes

on purpose

there's this glitter in your eyelids

and mouths taste sour
forgetting is betting
wounds won't heal by the hour

from the corner of my eye
you're slipping away
grabbing me from my chest
and pulling down

down

but not for long

I'm not your stray dog no more

I wasted all this time
all my future
half a year
precious time
for someone
who doesn't care
and for someone
who doesn't understand

it's fine

I wake up every morning

at 6:15

and I undergo the same awful journey

even if I try to look for

something nice and inspiring in my way

there's nothing

just the same dullness

and then I reach school

and I see the same faces

I wonder if they also have black rings under their eyes

I can't tell by myself

I don't even look at them

like in a slow motion film

eight hours go by

as I try not to lose my head

talking about the things that keep me alive

with my friends

(or at least that's why they pretend to be)

only by then I wonder why

the headache is piercing my sanity

as the horns and buses slash my brains

slapping my mind loudly out of its carcass

and in that awful journey back home

I forget about everything that happened

I wonder if that person walking back home is the real me

I don't even want to go back home because home means

responsibilites

studying

pushing yourself a little bit more over the edge

and when I get there

I sink myself into a chair

and become a subject of understanding

who only finds aid on the Internet

I clean myself, pretend it's allright

'try to relax'

I tell my mum I did well in History class

but what if I've been an idiot all this time?

what if everything I've ever excelled at just didn't matter

and I was the actual stupidhead this time?

and when I put my head to bed at night

and cry myself to sleep

begging for mercy

I see it's 11:56 pm

and that I've wasted

just another day

how can this be okay?

haunted dreams

his father was a big man

and he invited me over for lunch

because he said he

wanted to meet his son's friends

and all the time I just kept staring at the man's hands

and at his frightened face

full of alarm

waiting for his father to say something out of place

and we ate in silence

while his siblings asked questions

I've never been much of interest

but they just kept trying to get me in

it was the hardest meal

I've ever been in

but as soon as I offered myself

to wash the dishes

his father's big hands

stopped me and

told us to go outside

with the blink of one eye

and as his siblings ran away from our meeting place

we were left alone

just like I feared

we didn't use to talk much

just necessary words of random information

small talk to survive through

until one day

I set my eye

and made the worst mistake

because he kissed me on our way back home

and couldn't pretend I was in love

poor soul, he said

'I thought you were looking for more.'

and then he added

his father had invited me for lunch

that saturday

but I couldn't say no

to a broken heart

I wanted to go out

but he pulled me by the hand

and took me upstairs

closed the door

locked it

and hid the key

in the back pocket of his jeans

then he grabbed me by the waist and said,

'I'll make you believe

or I'll make you fall

it doesn't matter how much I lose in between'

and I let myself go

because there was nothing

left to do

on the verge of tears

I found that

I had actually looked for that

for a while now

but then while we lay

down to rest

under the sneaking rays of light

I took out the key

and freed myself

without a single kiss

because I was too scared

to tell the truth

in that spring corner

I then stood

watching cars go by on my way back home

and I cried

because

I was looking for a friend

but ended up

messing up

with love

love

it still hurts

two weeks

after this short time
when I start missing
memories slip away

and suddenly I don't remember the streets
I don't remember what I saw
it's like a part of me
has been taken away

and thrown into the river Thames

escape route

drive as fast as I can
I know no one's gonna find me
but hiding will keep me
from finding myself

been wondering for months
what happened behind my back
while I teared down the walls
of my own heart

and in the mob
I always stand behind you
doesn't matter how much I try
between us there's no contact

drive as fast as I can
so I don't find me looking back
stepping on what I thought
was future

smoke fills my lungs
I told my dad I wasn't going to do it
but who would have known
I was such a good liar

let's pretend we never met
it's better that way
let's pretend we are better off away

if my heart pulls me back,
bring me down, bring me down
don't let me smash my head
against the walls

all I see is broken glass
I'm not there
believe me
(I never was)

drive as fast as I can
I know no one's gonna find me
but hiding will keep me
from finding myself

Damon Albarn

rope

oh darling
you still keep your rope tight around my neck

and I pull
and
b
l
e
e
d

miserably
while you watch me on the safe side

transit

pavement
and pictures
and pictures on the pavement
or is it just a reflection?

I don't know
I just lay here
and the cieling is just so far
the sky is so far from the ground

and I wonder if maybe the tiles tell a story
I wonder if I'm going crazy
I just wonder
and sleep on the floor

I wrap myself in empty nightmares
I'm still on the floor
surrounded by
dead souls and mourning mornings

and I just wonder if maybe this is wrong
if I am wrong
of I'm going crazy

but there's no difference
between the tiles the walls the trolleys
the pavement the pictures and the pictures on the pavement

from the floor it all looks the same to me

St Paul's Cathedral, London, United Kingdom

*

are we connected?

fits

I've tried on
these eyes
on you
and now I can't take them off

so weird
so guilty
yet
intriguing

I try to hard to
ignore
these
eyes

wait

it will bring us together

or apart

but for sure this the part of me

you will never understand

again

I've dreamt about you

every single night this week

and maybe its my mind or the weather

which are misleading me

you're the last person I wish to see

yet you are the one

I notice the most

and then you scream my name

how am I supposed to answer?

I'm divided by a sword

and your words

oh your words

if only I knew what your mind wanders in at night

swans

maybe lately
she has been doing things
to make the dizziness go away
and unluckily she hasn't gone through it

maybe lately
he's been crying himself to sleep
or he's too tired to get out
of the bed

maybe lately
so many things have happened
we hold on tight like
ships in a storm

but there's no anchor
to the ground
we stand on

and maybe lately
someone has been looking at you
with affection and affliction
because they want you to see through

I blame the sun for forgetting
all those funny things we used to do
until life was set in front of us
like there was nothing left to prove

they say no theorems should be learned by heart
but all leassons are mechanized
to avoid thinking too much

and sincerely that's all I do,
I don't learn at school
I don't think I'll ever will

I think I'll just stop and stare
and try dechiper what everyone's got to say
but I'm no preacher
I'm just a listener

in the hope someday I'll be heard
maybe someday

afterlife drabbles

it was rather strange to me today, when I finished a long series of complicated algebra calculations, how not only my head hurt, but how I suddenly the recess had come and how I was still sitting in my place with everyone surrounding me. And when I raised my head from the books and looked into my friends' eyes, I suddenly felt out of my place. I remembered the fact that I was a human being who interacted with other people, and my soul was immediately sucked out of my carcass. I realised I wasn't only a body and a person, I was a spirit trapped in a cage. And later on when I fell asleep in class, I tried to cover myself with the blanket, thinking I was at home. I dreamt I was at the sea, where I belong. I had only slept for two minutes, and I floated in the ocean for 30 seconds. And those 30 seconds brought me back to life. I swear, I felt soaked when I woke up. Those two episodes showed me two things: there are no strings attached to anything, and that you can time-travel. Yes, that was as close as I could get to knowing what the afterlife is about.

*

doesn't get any better

than this

speak up

there is no such thing
as
unconventional
heroes

dec 2003

I don't want to go back home.
I swear I think about that all the time.
Everybody's insane.
I don't think I feel comfortable in that place
(not anymore)
It's like demons hunting my insides all the time.
I'm never alone.
I don't want to go back home.

absent

funny how
you are not there
and still there's you
everytime I turn around

it's you at the shops
it's you in the songs
it's just you, all year round
and I can't explain

why is it that all I do
reminds me of your face

same old story

no more tears

just silence

an escaping route

I need silence

what's better than losing

your

mind?

it's not the same

we're not the same

I'm not her

I never was

dog problems

when I say
"I hate what I've become"
I lied
I hated who I was

I don't want to go to sleep

because I'm restless.

cranky. jittery.

I'm done with all of it.

I back hurts

my chest delivers more spasms

than it should

and my neck looks twisted

I don't sleep

I dream

I dream so lucid, so loud

it's so hard to find peace

I wake up when I shouldn't

I wake up and get confused

I wake up, I'm not awake

I'm as dead as I was hours ago

it's a nightmare

night after night

a struggle

to keep up

I can't keep up with

the dreams, the dizziness,

the spasms,

the pain.

specially the pain.

I sleep.

I don't rest.

a little bit of truth

I just

I just wish I could wake up
every morning
not wanting to go back to sleep

I just wish I didn't spin in circles
and fall back down
feeling dizzy

I don't want to waste my time
sitting, wishing
I want to mean something
I want to mean something to myself

more
than
anyone
else

adults

do they know about the things we hide?

do they know about how embarrassed we are?

do they care?

do they even see through us?

we question their will to live

when we wonder why the hell

we are leading the life we live

and just... stare

do they see what's wrong?

how can they know?

there are so many questions

I can't answer anymore

and we hope

we don't run into walls

and we don't turn to be them

to be like stone

newspapers and coffee

and morning buses

packed up with

iphones and stress

sink

words slip through my tounge
like water droplets
and they are just so
so
out of place

I wish that I was bulletproof

keep your hopes up, little social butterfly

I can do whatever

to keep you out

of the conversations

with my mom

it's not that

I don't think it's true

it's just that I hate

feeling blue

never never never never

sure of anything

I'm wishing, hoping, praying

for the right moment

but when is it time?

is there a time?

or am I wasting

all the time away?

many say it's true

but through life you learn

not to trust

or hold on to

I'm selfish; insecure

incapable and static

and I'm running out of reasons

to keep time running

I can't

ever ever ever ever

trust the instinct till I

stop wasting all my time on us (you)

but is there a time?

a place?

stop creating spells

you can't bare to cast

each world

When I looked at him, I couldn't help but wonder who I was. Who I am and who I am constructing with every passing moment, every mistake. You can't just "define" a person. Nor summarise it. And so there he was, an undefined person. A city with so many roads. A circle with infinite dots. An ocean. Each being is complied by so many things that you never get to know one person entirely, not even yourself. There is not only one action you're entitled to do. The mind is truly unpredictable. And how wonderful can it be, that each being is made out of other beings? I was a part of him just as much as he was a part of me. We all have things in common, be it the slightliest of them all. We are complex, but we can understand one another. And when I looked at him, I knew, and he knew. He knew me. I was, just for a moment, in his shoes. I saw this complex map he lived on. I walked along his roads. But still, things would slip away. The uncertainty about what that meant to me, what he meant to me, it made me wonder if I was as simple as I was supposed to be. And in that look, I saw more than just him: I saw the world.

roads

I've been traveling on public transport
on my own for such a long time
I forgot it's public
not private

looking

how many pairs of eyes do we catch
observing us during the ride?
it's scary to me how many people
find me a curious living

how many pairs of eyes do we catch
watching us during the journey?
I turn but everyone looks away,
like if life was constantly looking away from us

I wonder about this
curiosity
this little cheeky
stalking

on the lonely trains

I wonder what goes around in their heads
are they thinking about me?
are they thinking about me as I am
thinking about them?

it's not senseless,
it's just that
I find so many eyes around
but I swear none of them

seems to finally look
just for the sake of
wasting time
staring until the ride is over

the story so far

and we became friends

jealousy

it surprises me how much
I try to ignore it
but it just grows
unmeasuredly

unexpectedly
and everyday
it's more and
more and more
peculiar

Luca

When I disappear, do you fear for the sister I took?

When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good

I am drearily blunt, letting this bed wetting cosmonaut

"Son, the last thing you'll realize

you need is what you've already got"

So touch me or don't

Just let me know

Where you've been

So drop me a line with a hook and some raw bleeding bait

(one, two, three, four)

For I am uncaught and still swimming alone in the lake

(five, six, seven, eight)

Shimmering under a moon made in anger and angst

Shimmering like a penny out of reach in the subway grate

(Shimmering like a coin kept safe away,

you'll never listen to anything)

So touch me or don't

Just let me know

Where you've been

We could leave it alone,

I'm sure there's someone who knows

Where you've been

You never worked well with our group

Not with the faults we found

So we fixed you with cement galoshes

No one can save you now

Unless you have friends among fish

There'll still be no air to breathe

You could drink up the entire ocean

I'll still find someone to be everything we know that you'll never be

So touch me or don't

Just let me know

Where you've been

Or we could leave it alone

I'm sure there's someone who knows

Where you've been

a list

I can't get to sleep right
I can't get any comfort
or security that when I wake up
things will stand still

I can't sleep at night
so I make a list
of things I do to
be at ease

but it doesn't work
I try sleep for hours
but it just won't work
and I'm beyond exahusted

of this life,
me,
this world,
this family,
work,
study,
this appointments,
this government,
this boy,
these dreams.

they
never
stop
filling
up.

miss missing you

sometimes
before it gets better
the darkness gets bigger

the person you would take a bullet for is behind the trigger

I should

I should cut my nails
I should make my bed
I should wake up
I should calm my head

I should do so many things
in order to function
but fact is
nothing actually seems to work

more than this

save rock and roll

No, no

Wherever I go, go

Trouble seems to follow

Only plugged in to save rock and roll

IITY

he'll break me
I know

t c b part III

we forgot to live while observing the living

t c b part II

simplest and the dullest
and the smallest
and the tiniest
wish of mine
was for you to say

'hi'

birthday wishes and a moshpit

life changing
self transforming
movements of the soul

I make discoveries every day
with or without the help of the ones around me
I try too hard to grow up
and I suddenly did

and now
everything is turning into
something that has sense
which has never had
before

it's quite nice
to settle in the world
once in a while

and even when surrounded
by sound and noise and creeps
I can stay afloat
and continue my life all alone

life changing
self-transforming
experiencies

stickers

it doesn't matter how much I try
I can't stop thinking
about how much
we are alike

the things you say
the things you do
the way you laugh
and even the way you move

and I love it all the same
even if I don't like it
even if I wash it away
you will stick

just like you did in the beginning

t c b

you move way to fast and I can't react

let the flames begin

somewhere weakness is our strength
and I'll die searching for it
I can't let myself regret
such selfishness

my pain and all the trouble caused
no matter how long
I believe that there's hope
buried beneath it all
hiding beneath it all
growing beneath it all

six days

the town has been sleeping for six days and

the highways have gone blind

the streets have cried

and the flood washed it all out

the tide came in and took my life away

and as it flowed away I said goodbye

because nature knows

it's way back

the town has been sleeping for days

and I don't know what to do

it's part of this self-discovery

I'm going through

the town has been sleeping

the people have been sleeping

my life has been sleeping

for days

or years

(who can tell the difference?

how can we know that this town isn't dead?)

user's guide

the user's guides are good to read

because they are written by

machines

who think in objects

and if we think ourselves as objects

we are dismountable and we come in pieces

that we build

year after year

we frequently ask

ourselves

questions that have been answered

and problems that haven't been resolved

we are a machine

we are

a perfectly well organised

machine

reason no.5

signed it blood it read,

'I will'

and then the list went on:

'I will be there for you.'

'I will be there if you need to talk'

'I promise...'

'I promise I'll do that.'

'I promise I won't let you down'

and words fall

and it's just disappointing

that no one finishes anything they start

not even a sentence

a wish

a promise

a desire

I can't understand the need

to let everyone down

and to promise utopies

a trick

we think we think about others but we're just looking at our selves, reflected

reason no.4

prefer not saying
not staying
not looking
just typing

in
the words for a while
but there's a hole
in your eyes

no one is anything without a shield

reason no.3

they just won't miss you when you're gone
you're just a lone lane memory
discarded
washed
cleaned
to a tiny
microscopic
incident

instances

I wish you would come in
in the wrong moment
with the wrong words
waiting

and then I'd just
be gone
because the time has passed
drown like stones

but it just won't happen
no remorse fills your soul
because you have nothing
nothing
for me to lean on

reason no.2

"I could've had friends, yes, but the people in my class looked at me with pity, with sadness. It made me sick. That compassion made me want to threw up. They wanted to help me with I don't know what, more than once they came to talk to me telling me that if I wanted help, they would be there to listen. But with those showings of caring and everything, I realized they just said it to feel better with themselves, to actually have that little place in their mind where they could pin up a paper that said “today I helped Samantha Crowl” when they actually didn't. They did that because they wanted to hear how good their voices sounded when they were trying to do something for other people (in vain). So I got to understand them. They talk more than they wanted to listen, and I was the other way around. I said little words and listened to everything."

reason no.1

nobody
nobody
cares about you

narcisisim is the main dish tonight

introduction

it's so easy to say
to promise
to reassure
but not to act

people let me down
for a number of reasons

vessels

I could break you with a touch

lungs

how?

how can I not crack?

explain to me, please

I'm begging you I want to know

how to feel less alone and less guilty

tell me how can I feel

if I can feel relieved or sad or what

I just wish someone would talk to me

especially him

he's lying in the gurney, you see

he can barely breathe

and I all I can do is watch him,

I can't take away his pain

nor distract him from what's happening

he's dying

oh god he's dying

he's leaving me

but I can't crack, right?

I won't

I won't crack, not once, just for him

Jesus

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
(I know it)
but I had some time, oh Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone
you can trust

but I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I try to nail you back up

so do you think that we can work out a sign?
so I know it's you
and now it's over
and I won't even try

I know you're coming for the people like me

we all got wood and nails
we turn our hate in factories

we all got wood and nails
we sleep inside of this machine.

until forever, my capitain. I'll miss you, but my ship will sail on.

I love you.

monster

I'm only human
I've got a skeleton in me
but I'm not the villain
despite what you're always preaching

call me a traitor
(I'm just collecting your victims)

heart

in blue

bloom

green

ice

I think you're wonderful

I just

I have no words

for your blue

eyes

I have no idea

what

is trapping me

I can't calm myself down

nor I can feel contempt

I can't concentrate

get out of my h e a d

legs

don't try too hard
don't let the wind blow you over
and make your papers fly
like leaves lost forever

don't forget this is you
whoever you want to be
and it's not about standing still
you've got to move on

move on
move on
move on
move on

we all have to move
what would we be if we didn't?

a (w)hole

I learnt by hard

that I should never give everything out

because it destroys you

being careful is a key

to not being full at all

and being

incomplete

I've never gave everything I had

to anyone

because I haven't met anyone

worth it all

fake plastic trees

she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
my fake plastic
love

and I can't help the feeling
I fall through the cieling

nobody puts baby in the corner

and if you say this makes you happy
then I'm not the only one
lying

teeth

I'm sorry
I left for too long

hands

and what will happen
when you need a second chance?
I fear that

I'm on the verge
and I won't stand for you
just because
you're afraid of what you can do

it's not like
this will last forever
I thought you knew it
better than anyone

mouth

yet again
the soul I reach
is either
dead
or
empty

and your body is full

bang

I don't need anyone

but a little love

could make things better

beep

she just wants you
you asshole
can't you see
you ruin everything that's set before you

phantoms

if I ever get to see you again
I swear I'll do my best to pretend
that I have been fine
without you all of these years

and you left without saying
goodbye
and it wasn't even doing so well

I never got to say
I am sorry
you are still here
stuck to the left side of my brain for a lifetime

and I know life goes on
but how can I go on
if unsaid things will hold me back
haunt my late nights forever?

force

it's like reaching out for a hand
when in desperate need
and find out it's there
but it's not strong enough to hold you up

again

it doesn't matter how hard I try
it's
always
holding
me
back

opening title

-what would be the opening scene of the movie of your life?
-me, under the water.
-why?
-because that's where it all started, when I started drowning.

Grandma's Flowers

when I was young, my grandmother had a garden in her balcony. she was very devoted to her garden. it was her treasure.

she lived on the thenth floor of a very old building.

from up there, you almost couldn't see the floor. not because of the height, but because of the amount of wild life growing around in the balcony. there were flowers of all kind, flowers that didn't match with each other. everything was a mess. I never understood why she had so many different kinds of plants, but I never asked.

but when one of my aunts asked, she simply said, "flowers don't have to match. I just buy what I like. because I don't care about the combination, what I like about them is that, when I see them in the morning, they fill me. and I feel proud, because I can take care of them. it's more about what I think about those plants rather than what others can see."

and I thought she was right.

when I was still young, but not that young, my grandfather grew sick.

we all had to take care of him. so my grandmother stopped taking care of her plants.

and one day I asked her why her plants looked so dead.

and she sighed and said, "when you are very busy you forget about the beautiful things in life."

10

how could you
even think
I wouldn't find out

9

stop
stop stop stop stop stop
stop stop
stop
STOP

8

you're always holding onto stars
but
I think they're better from afar

can't you see no one here
is going to save us?

8

don't be nervous
it shows
don't talk too much
it shows
don't laugh too much
it shows
don't walk around too much
it shows

don't behave like that
it shows

everything shows
but nobody does anything about it

7

I really
really really really really really really
need you to leave me
alone

6

please let's
not talk about me
it gets me nervous

let's talk about you
like we always do
we always talk
about someone else
other than me

5

delete all pictures
delete all videos
delete delete delete
wash my hair
three times with
different shampoos
wear new clothes
brush my teeth
delete all music
change style
tear pictures off the walls
burn all papers

no matter what I do
or how much I try
I can't delete
burn
wash
brush
change
tear apart
myself
and the memories