"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"
i'll be putting up two pdfs soon before the end of 2016 so keep your eyes open
hmu for more details
you know who you are
she asked the most obvious question,
"will he break my heart?"
with a heavy conscience i had to be honest,
"of course he will.
he'll break your heart a millon times.
that scares us.
he'll break it, and also will the next guy.
after a few inches of snow the heart begins to grow fonder of the body it is in.
and after a few years it's plain simple that no one
not even him,
will break your heart."
"and how do i do this?"
"it's not easy,
no it's not.
you gather yourself together
and you suffer.
you lie awake at night thinking about him
(believing he is sleeping like a baby)
and pretend you don't have feelings.
you fake it till you make it,
then it's all a question of practice.
or maybe you're lucky and you don't care
about small modern things
like read reciepts or last seens
or maybe cryptic facebook statuses
but those are strong people and hard to find.
we are not strong
and we are not good.
sometimes heartbreak has got nothing to do with the evil within.
it goes beyond it."
she says it's good that i'm impressed,
i'm scared i might get hurt but
time and again she says,
dip in, don't stress this.
we all agree i'm better off as a secret shadow that walks through hallways,
unknown wanted visitor
that climbs up to your window to watch the sky.
there's the airport and there's lights;
there's the rain and the city lights;
here's the four million beating hearts
all of them blaming rain tonight
as we watch from the edge
and i feel like the royalty
i have never been.
reasons i can't leave you
i swear i could've made a movie out of us.
a scene cut from us, wholesome ethereal beings
you complaining about symmetry
and how it bothers you to be so far from perfect.
wish i understood the treason you felt
by means of genetics
because you're far from being symmetrical
but you were very close to my idea of perfection.
even your rusty lips,
your hollow ribs,
your small hips
it all seems to fit quite well
into my real needs.
i guess i'm doomed to find myself
in the coldest of places.
i fell asleep drinking wine and i woke up with bleeding lips.
make a game out of myself, that is.
it's what i've been trying to do when i feel erased.
from phonebooks, e-mail lists,
when i can't show up to parties because i'm too lonely.
this year is a scar that won't leave.
this year has broken me in ways i can't repair.
it's been hell.
sweetest of them,
your scent still lingers on
i want to leave this body
replace it with water instead.
fill up the concavity weary of touch.
i have never kissed more strangers
and i never felt stranger to myself.
never have i ever felt so detached aswell.
i want to leave this hole in your bed
heavy, sinking in
so there's someone else you can remember
when you realize nothing,
other than you,
has gone wrong.
i'll let you go and defeated,
i'll push myself upwards
sew back my heart
swallow the pill
it's a headstart.
get ready for the show, son.
get ready for me. on me. with me.
i'm draining and changing,
filling up; overwhelming,
but i've for the power of the seven seas,
and i'll harness the madness of the ocean within.
part iii: fall out
it's the thrill
i kissed him to keep him warm
and to keep me warm
he's already asleep in his mind
and i'm losing mine
i dressed up but it's so cold
it's the thrill
have you ever felt it go?
now he's cold
his head spins
his record collection resembles mine
in oh so many ways
let's make out on the floor,
over the kitchen counter
against your bedroom wall
i want to retrace your jawline with my fingers
and wake up in the morning
with a crippling feeling inside
i could be dying
but i'll be okay while i'm by your side
i could be dying
i'll hold you in between my arms
the space between your ribs is empty
someone's left a hole nobody can fill
i may be falling in love
and i'm so scared
where are you now?
have you lost your mind to delicacies
or has someone lost track of you?
i think about you ever so often,
my mouth goes dry with a touch.
i think of the way your eyes space out
and how you race my beating heart.
you're nowhere to be found,
you're no one.
maybe all this time i was living an illusion.
or maybe it was the part of my life
that was doomed to feel ethereal.
3 am again
hey were the fuck was this part of my life in the god damned contract
the part where i'm neither fullfilled nor empty
a complete piece in an empty space
dirty pool water never washing away for real
i should've drowned when i had the chance
i should've not mistaken kindness with interestest
i should've not done everything i did but
i learnt my lesson i guess
i woke up in the ceiling.
i was watching you from above repeat the feeling.
i could've made a movie out of us,
i swear i could've thrown the best curve
with every secret move you held in stack,
i woke up and i couldn't believe it.
i'm out of myself when they say i'm out to chase.
i should not be patient, oh i should be brave.
can anyone understand
that this is all i have and all i need?
it's not a long lost feeling
in the cupboard
next to the sink?
it's a memory and a hope,
it's hope, god damn it,
hope that one day things will be better for the two of us.
i don't care.
for the time being
and after everything i pulled through
you fade out wouldn't really mean an ending.
i can see through the glass now and i'm no longer waiting for my next move.
i'll stay quiet.
open, still, sticky eyelashes.
when you decide, i'll open my heart.
i'm wait for my time to come.
the thrill of the chase
chase me under street lights
all the way to downtown manhattan
then wash me clean under the covers.
control the only part of your life you have left;
give into power for one secret left unsaid
unravel the mysteries of being no one for a day.
post-it notes make up for break ups
and then they're lost in the wind.
try to make a phone call and fail,
try to change and never let me win.
more than twice the clock has sung,
even more times the streets have cracked
the bus and its flat tire
blister me up and i can't be tired
i could never wake up to nothing,
i admit i can be cynical in your worst nightmares
but there's only a facade of pills and blankets
only to mask up what was lost in central park's snow.
we've not been the same and that won't derail us,
i hope you don't stay and sulk.
i've heard your singing voice and shaky knees say my name
and even then i never felt more alone.
follow me down to the river where no one will know us
and then we'll sleep in the subway seats.
follow me down to wherever i like,
but never, never let me in.