STRANGER'S DISEASE: September 2013

walking by

who cares who cares who cares I mean even if someone says something it's not like she knows the whole situation maybe like we were talking about it before they can't know it's not like I said something wrong but no like I gave the wrong example it's just I can't stop thinking about him and like I'm all the time wishing he was in my life when he's not and well maybe sometimes but sometimes is not enough they don't know what was going on, relax, she'd be the one standing in the wrong place. and who cares about her? who cares about me? will he care? no. it'll be fine. it's gonna be okay.

three months and no money

it's not me
it's you
actually it might only be
me

even if I'm trying too hard
to push the blame on you

it was me
who fell
and now
can't
get
up

it doesn't mean I've forgiven her
it doesn't mean I'm not hurt

I'm really really really hurt I hope you know

the one and only: angel

'I have a friend
who says you're an angel'
I told him
and he laughed

like I didn't think he was an angel too
maybe I am lying, I thought
maybe I'm the one who thinks he's an angel, I thought
he probably is, I thought
-----
where is he when I want him the most?
back home, probably
my friends say I should forget about it
but seriously I can't I can't I can't
------
I know alcohol is not your thing
but maybe it'll get you in the mood to kiss me
I'm really drunk and maybe this could be my chance
but knowing what you feel is like getting blood out of a stone

I wanted to tell him he's an angel
and he's seriously pretty when he smiles
-------

his eyes were dead when I told him I loved him

--------
now they're dark blue
like they've always been
dark blue, wow
who has those eyes apart from you?
----------
'my eyes may be amazing but
yours are nothing special and I still love them'
he said

'you're special'
he said

so are you, angel, I thought.
you were from the start, angel, I thought.
never stop smiling, angel, I thought.
please never stop brightening my days, angel, I thought.

strings

how is it possible

I only write about

the same four people

when everyone around me

is so intriguing?

I wish I could write as much

as I write about

the kiss you never gave me

about things like spring

or my favorite song

or England

but then all of those little strings

are connected to a major vessel

which always

ends up in the same heart

I wished something

caught my attention a bit more

became a little bit more relevant every day

I swear I try; it just never applies

maybe I'm dead inside

not in here

remember when

I told you

you couldn't smoke in bed

and you just laughed

I pushed you out of the bed

and as you closed the door I fell asleep

I woke up

like I always did

in the darkness, by nightmares

and you were just there lying on your back

one hand searching for mine

then I remember I closed the door

and sat on the floor of our new living room

we had no curtains because we had just moved in

but the moon was so beautiful I sat there to contemplate

I let my anxiety take over me

I let my worries take over me

I let everything you're not

take over me

then I heard your footsteps

and you stopped just far for me to turn and find you there standing

with a glass of water dangling from your hand

you asked if I was fine

I said yes

but you sat by my side

and we talked about life

and maybe it was that

that confirmed

I loved you

even when I was at my worse

you were there

even when you smoke in bed

or didn't take out the trash

you would interrupt your sleep

to stay with me

when there was no one before

kill the messenger

oh my god it hurts like hell

I had that dream again

where I was lost for good in outer space

tell me doctor

how to shake

a waking nightmare that is only worse

when I am sleeping

kill the messenger

I swear it's not me

it's just someone I used to know

and get to church cause you're a good girl

(but I never told you that)

underneath it all

could be the thing that keeps us both

locked up here forever

I'm gonna send a little rain

Your way

I have insomnia again and I'll name my headaches after you

I have insomnia again

well I've been having insomnia for like

three months now

and maybe it's fear

I can't face an entire week

I just can't go straight through

and I have the lowest self esteem

I eat more than I should

I know, I didn't want to admit it

but I am depressed

I'm on the verge of tears

sometimes I get drunk on my own

see if I can forget you

but the only thing I get

is a headache the next day

and of course and empty bed

don't forget to remind I can't call you

even if we are supposed to be friends

but I'm so stuck with my loneliness

I can't believe you broke me like this

I thought it would be a children's play

add all of this to the september stress

it's far too late

I've been hearing songs about California

and songs about not sleeping

my head splits

my neck hurts

please let me be okay

things were supposed to work by now

I was supposed to be happy by now!

what became of the dreamer I used to be?

I just want to sleep

please

maybe I remember you

I remember when it stung
when watching the pictures hurt
it was back then I remember
I missed you so much

and it was like yesterday
I could touch your hair
and now the only images
are stored in my head

and now even then
when I see you there just standing
it somewhat hurts

but
one year is a long time
two years is a long time
and six years is a very, very long time

maybe your perfume is gone
and I've simply forgotten what was your favourite colour

maybe six years didn't make me strong
they made me numb
I forgot what missing you, touching you
kissing you and even remembering you was like

and maybe not remembering how to feel is the best thing
because if I ever remember
it will hurt

I just hope I don't

teenage anxiety late-night lullaby

go to sleep
tangled in between the dreams
and the surreal
of the sheets

go to sleep
and forget the heavy heart
is chasing you
let it rest; let yourself rest

give your breath a chance to settle
become less aware of your nose or freckles
and make your dreams lucid
like little stars behind your eyelids

go to sleep
and dream about bears and snowy mountains
of fall, rain or Prague
actually dream about whatever you want

whatever will take your head away

go to sleep
and hop off the carousel
your world won't end
if you shut it down
for a while

maybe after a long night
your chest will rise
blood will pump
and everything will be alright

or maybe it won't
but at least
you have enough strength
to carry on

lunch break

'have you noticed

that things aren't

like they were before?'

'what do you mean?'

'these friendships-

are they real?

I haven't seen them happening

where does this love come from?'

'maybe

things changed

but we stayed static.

like always'

'what if we did change?'

'then we grew up.'

'we grew cold.'

one-hundred and eighty

you've got those

horrible t shirts

and that tired

hollow smirk

you embarrass yourself

all the time

you say things without

thinking about consequences and such

and you just

don't

care

that is what makes

you

my complement

my only one

and I can't help but love

your terrible

sense of fashion

and that lousy smile

but what I love more

is the one you have

when I make you laugh
every night

stop winking

I began writing a letter
to you
about the story
of how I hated the glass between us

but the paper slipped and
the ink run off
maybe it was a sign
that I had nothing to say

I incessantly have the need
of reassuring myself
with knowing
clearly
what's happening

and the thing with you is
I have no idea
what is happening
between us

I can't live without symmetry
or order
and your edges are smudged
and you're a complete mess

but you're
so
like
me

we were dead before the ship even sank

because even
if there are many possibilities
I was convinced (deep inside)
that we would not coincide

and we did
just
like
we always do

we are
anchored
anchored
anchored

want it or not
but we're going
down
together

tiffany blews

not the girl I was
the girl I am
is just venting, venting

dear gravity
you held me down
in this
starless
city

train back home

bored
confused
unintentionally self conscious

and you
and you
and you
are not
h e l p i n g

let loose

why would the fuck
anyone
care
about me

if I leave
am I not supposed
to be free?

call me an idiot
or call me your savior
but I think life is worth the living

and I
wait till you let
the leash
go

and then maybe I'll run
back down
to where
my heart
(knows)
it belongs

fuck literature

I
suck
at
metaphors
and
comparisons

but
I
think
saying
that

I
love
you

is
way
better
than
addressing
it
with
nice
catchy
words

logan to government center

you are a blue-eyed lightning bolt
I'm a national phenomenon
nothing's aboslutely definite
till it's absolutely, definitely gone

sand

life is not a beautiful beach

or a perfect wave

maybe life is just

the hot sand under my soles

it burns like hell

stings and leaves scars

I tried to run from it but got burnt

and in the end,

when dawn came

and I sat down by salty splashes,

it was the most reassuring

welcoming

warm

ending

to a long day

tricky

I've never been in love

but

if I happen to be

I hope it's with you

caged

there are hosts in here tonight

none of which I like

they hear inside my head

like the madness in disguise

even if I'm told to be

stronger than I seem

I'm just broken

I'm just broken... and on my own.

buried by my secrets

carry it like a loan

I'm scared of confinement

and of being alone

even when I'm forced to bend

I break out of the seams

I'm not able

I'm not able... of control

all this water

all this things

they keep freezing

drowning me

all my mistakes

seem to be

taking measures

just to break

what's inside of me

or what's left

or what't left

of my sanity

phone

and I call her on the phone
she asks me how I have been
so far
like 'how are you, emotionally?'

and outside the sun sets
I look out the window and sigh
like
'yeah, I'm okay'

'I'm just a little stressed'

but how can I say

I'm not okay
I'm worse than before
I think I'm losing everything
leaving it all

no, I don't think I'm okay
but maybe it's me in a cage
it's just the mere perception
I hang onto

like maybe it's just a phase
or a feeling
but I can't wash it away

and oh yeah by the way
I'm not sleeping well
I'm having nightmares again

'I guess
I'm just stressed,
but the rest
is well'

J.L.

lacey lacey lacey
just tie down whatever you are thinking
and simply put yourself down to earth
you can do this

lacey lacey lacey
you may want this more than anyone
and I can assure you
I feel the same

what do I get
for all this loving
fly around the world
and find nothing

always slipping from my hands
lacey
lacey come back

where are you
dearest poet
dearest preacher
dearest dearest dearest

inside the school bag

parties

god I can't sleep
like seriously
I'm going
mad
and it's just not
light
for me

yesterday I walked for miles
until I thought it was time to make myself in
and I drank way too much coffee

all because
you
were going to be there

I noticed we bare ly ta lk e d
I took pictures of you
that now I can't bare to look at

sure thing I shouldn't blame insomnia on you
but it's so unsettling
so upsetting
just like you

grace

I wished he watched me while I made things
things like thinking or drawing on my arms
I wished he noticed me when I laugh or when I try to smile
because I know he likes to see me like that

but the more I think about
him watching me
the more empty I become
those eyes are gone