stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"

4/2/19

 

april

the summer is coming to a common end
it began, so i remember
while i was away from harm
in broken arms
in paradise, a promised land

i took a bus and
the sun setting chased away my fears
i was so tired when we began;
i am so tired now that the summer's ending

even when the sea is within me
even when your skin collates mine
when i'm nowhere but where i wish i'd be

the blood turns black and the mist follows,
a foggy dream unwound
a true nature unfolds in terraces we don't know of
and i say

the river and its sediments
will follow us wherever we go
it's just a matter of listening,
then
the heat will always be within

1/16/19

 

part iii

he said nothing
i said less.
then i left.
whatever happens between us happens
on the brink of destruction.
i only leap out of comfort when
i can think later.

always when the sea and the moon come to greet me.
she has been in my eyes this whole time.
that night she was somewhere quiet.

she's a rose, a quiet lagoon
a hidden treasure at the bottom of the sea;
he's a national anthem
he's the song my voice can sing

in the night they stay afloat
wondering what got us all together
how the strings can connect
and spin us in

i have stopped trying to guess the motions
i just take them in
let the tide take me
wherever i have to be


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part ii

she said, "you have only wasted your life!"*
i looked up and never for a second doubted she was right
but was she bound to treason?
i couldn't tell by the looks in someone elses' eyes;
for a second i'd thought i'd lose her forever!

then the tides washed me in,
the rain thought me clear
the ending of the roads kept me quiet
and the warm summer breeze at night
finally awoke my spirit.

i slept all night i think
without the nightmares seeping in.
he said he couldn't.
i wondered what happened those hours
i was away.



*oscar wilde, roses and rue

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part I

if i sat on the moon and wondered from above,
how we all became so tiny and solid
a free-formed cluster of uncertainty,
would i find the answer the stars haven't yet
provided?

i often think about shapes
and how the tides change with the moon herself
a presence of innate beauty, that challenges me
could i be an eclipse that casts a shadow so long it might never be full again?

i have been the fool for years
played behind the screens in times where
i was wrong, so was the next
and then the next of strangers

i let everyone in
hoping it could heal itself
then came the part where
i finally fell asleep broken apart

i felt the salty drops of sweat on my forehead
and winced
you said it was only normal
to make an effort for what you wanted

so i sat and asked the moon if this was what i wanted

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11/10/18

 

three: renting hotel rooms for two hours

i played dress-up and dress-down for strangers
i acted as if the world revolved around something bigger
placed the bets, lost the keys

the mirrors are eloquently placed to attack the body at an angle
it suspires and conspires against my will,
the lack of faith has been replaced
by the absence of the bible in the drawer.

there are a mixture of hotel rooms this year in my head
they resonate with not being able to deal.

i like them.
it makes me feel in perpetual motion.
escaping from nothing at all
for only two hours.

the hallways are almost always empty
fluorescent lights guide my nightmares
there are panels i can't touch and there's people i don't want to see

there's no will to call for safety,
the mattress is rusty and unhinged,
how many bodies
have been in your head
this week?

don't talk to me or look at me or pretend to love me.
it's not like i'm here to stay.
the appeasement was signed with blood and sweat,
 hands in throat
 legs instead


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two: a dream unravels

the alarms go off in darkness.
i sit and wait, squint and allow light in me.
then i notice the break in silence. once again the heaviness abounds.
hoping to find safer shores, the wind keeps moving.
it revitalizes my intentions.
though i hear how i have been betrayed.

the dream this time
told the story of how i was once allowed into a place
whilst hearing your voices.
i fled as soon as i could but
there was this room,
and the terrace,
and infinity;
it all stood right behind me.
'i need to leave without being seen,' i claim.
'i need to escape. they could eat me alive'.

as soon as i am out the door,
the vision stops right before my eyes:
    her long flowery dress,
    her long auburn hair,
    (the impossibility of not being dreaming;
  the sweat of the fear)
and the knowledge that her presence
was enough
to swallow me whole.

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one: rorschach

destruction deems heed
accustomed to policies in vain
a shelter of capillaries that drip
a song unsung and a wound unclean
a soft heart bleeding
 a chest bloating; midnight spasms
thoracic cavity wide open.

when she took the test
the images frowned upon me
and i could only look for bodies.
 the countless times
 i prayed for blood
 for a swollen gut

insatiable images of weakness
 unaccustomed this time
 to the cry for help in silence

this time i hope
i can save myself
from the blindness.

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