stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"

8/6/18

 

yeah man this is what i was talking about!


7/30/18

 

accidental ex lovers

i am losing my stripes
pinstripes and memories
i have worn the aces
and my eye liner as
so called home-decor

the situation has unbounded
itself from the meaning
now a scream can only be heard

reminiscent of what we called home
it has killed it self at night
at a loss for words

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7/23/18

 

communication

when you divise the deity
do you frolic in passion?
is my will immaculate like my ancestors
have painted it so?

    i have not heard the grass moving
     this season

when will the fears be stronger than the will?
i suppose when the ship sinks
instead of the air rising
it will choke us to death




6/23/18

 

past future mes

sometimes i think about what my 13 year old would think of me, you know? it's like, what did she expect to become at this age? i'm not sure. i don't think she ever fantazised about anything real, more than anything, she wanted stardom. and it's she i'm referring to, not i. no past selves are me, they're just connected. they die every once in a while. she wanted love, well, she's struggling still. i'm sorry. she never expected teaching. there's just too many things that weren't hip back in the day. two jobs? sleeping in random beds? pulling all-nighters every week? well it wears one out.
what am i expecting future me, though? that she graduates, mostly. that she's comfortable in her own body. i envision the bad weather won't stop her, nothing will. i think i'm destined to a few more years of solitude: i wanna come to terms with it so i stop pushing relationships out of nowhere. being alone is fine, i guess. i deal with it. but i hope the shadows can bear. and the lifestyle continues. i don't know. i don't wanna be angry and strange in this body forever.

5/28/18

 

moon quiz (pisces, sixth house)

answer this post with your moon sign and house + your answer to these questions:

1. when upset, do you tend to confide in others or to isolate yourself?
i usually confide in others. if i don't, i usually get sick. i've been trying to control who i tell my secrets to, though. who i open up with and why.
2. when you have a problem, do you try to fix it yourself and avoid telling people, or do you tell them before trying to solve things alone?
i always try to fix it myself first but i am pretty good at knowing where my skills end and i'm not too proud to ask for help. it's impossible to know everything. if it's out of honesty, asking for help is always nourishing.
3. when things in your life are going fine/alright, are you anxious that it won’t last and keep wondering what will be the next bad thing to happen?
i know a bad thing will happen, but it doesn't keep me from being happy. i can't risk happiness, since it doesn't happen very often. i usually find myself submerged in other parts of my life that i don't really like.
4. do you have gut feelings? do you trust and listen to them?
i do. and of course, i swear by my own instincts. i'm ultra perceptive, and i know when things will happen. psychic, in some sort of way: i can see things coming. i have visions. i can meditate and visualize the future.
5. if you had to treat someone you really don’t like in the most friendly and polite way, could you do it, or would it be impossible to you?
it's nearly borderline impossible. my body can't even stand it.
6. from 1 to 10, how easy it is to make you laugh? 
5. you gotta be real funny or have a special sense of humor i connect to.
7. if someone is talking very incorrectly about a subject you know a lot about, do you correct them or do you let them have their fun?
i let them have their fun but suffer in between. i learnt that people do not like to be corrected. i only do it when i don't like the other person, honestly
8. imagine you really have to tell a lie to someone you care about. are you more likely to freak out and blow the whole thing or to just tell the lie?
i am a great liar.
9. do you feel uncomfortable hearing other people tell self deprecative jokes? do you make self deprecative jokes?
i get kind of uncomfortable if it happens to often. i do it too, mostly to hide my own discomfort.
10. if you mispronounce a word in a group of people, do you tend to actually laugh at your own mistake or to be really embarrassed?
i am embarrassed. i tend to mask it up. sometimes i do laugh, if i feel comfortable enough.

5/27/18

 

i want to remember myself like this forever



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5/19/18

 

awaiting

all of my efforts are now centered
to one pivoting force which resonates
as the words you say when you are over.
the world is propelling me to move on,
towards the future, towards the present.
it is reserving its divinities for who i want to become;
for when the blossoming seems proper.
i couldn't see it at first, i had covered my eyes with dirt
i had eaten it, had digested it poorly.
with the times buried deep underground i understood how well
i can reinforce my sense of belonging,
not into a community, not into a place,
but inside myself.
this is self-proclaimed victory.
i can only win for myself.
whoever that may be.

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