the wrecks

you've grown on me,
straddling like deadly disease
you've been creeping up my nerves
and rest your venom on my chest
then you bite and puncture the neck
that so many times you could have called a
home 
but who is she, who am i,
and most importantly, who are you?


you sit there and pretend to care,
your mouth moves with quiet warnings
and i tell myself,
     it's not in the eyes 
     it's in the mouth
     it's in the lips
     it's the poison of his kiss

that's what's keeping you hooked
and can't let me go,
only when my bones shake under the burden
of being alive,
because boy do i know that weight

better than you.
better than your sleeping pills.
better than anything you've ever said,
i know the pain.

     don't act as if you could ever
       even
        fathom
the pain

awareness

you know i've grown aware of myself.
of my lack of stability (i hit and miss and throw stuff and lose stuff and demand but i never give)
of my need to sleep (to prevent from falling and crying and regaing stability which was never mine)
of my spacing out (to the days where i thought i was happier than now though i used to panic with you around)


i have become aware of the person i am
of the one you chose to stay with
now my question is
are you?

she chose this
not you

but love never let her choose
when she realized she was falling it was late
she had broken a bone or two.