awareness

you know i've grown aware of myself.
of my lack of stability (i hit and miss and throw stuff and lose stuff and demand but i never give)
of my need to sleep (to prevent from falling and crying and regaing stability which was never mine)
of my spacing out (to the days where i thought i was happier than now though i used to panic with you around)


i have become aware of the person i am
of the one you chose to stay with
now my question is
are you?

she chose this
not you

but love never let her choose
when she realized she was falling it was late
she had broken a bone or two.

the confusion

i could write a book in my sleep
i wrote a few.
if you call not sleeping a dream.

it turns the lovers into fluff.
the yellowish remains of leaves
on the side of the road
have been rotten again
time and again
where i tried to hide my fears
and my broken bones

could anyone have seen my fall
could anyone instead take a part
could no one,
nobody
listen to the falling rain
for a second it's my radio
they're playing my song

it's called
i miss the solitude i never lost
i long for the life i always had
i have what i want but it's not really mine