hmu for more details
you know who you are
unavoidable
she asked the most obvious question,
"will he break my heart?"
with a heavy conscience i had to be honest,
"of course he will.
he'll break your heart a millon times.
that scares us.
he'll break it, and also will the next guy.
after a few inches of snow the heart begins to grow fonder of the body it is in.
and after a few years it's plain simple that no one
not even him,
will break your heart."
"and how do i do this?"
"it's not easy,
no it's not.
you gather yourself together
and you suffer.
you lie awake at night thinking about him
(believing he is sleeping like a baby)
and pretend you don't have feelings.
you fake it till you make it,
then it's all a question of practice.
or maybe you're lucky and you don't care
about small modern things
like read reciepts or last seens
or maybe cryptic facebook statuses
but those are strong people and hard to find.
we are not strong
and we are not good.
sometimes heartbreak has got nothing to do with the evil within.
it goes beyond it."
royalty asset
she says it's good that i'm impressed,
i'm scared i might get hurt but
time and again she says,
dip in, don't stress this.
we all agree i'm better off as a secret shadow that walks through hallways,
unknown wanted visitor
that climbs up to your window to watch the sky.
there's the airport and there's lights;
there's the rain and the city lights;
here's the four million beating hearts
all of them blaming rain tonight
as we watch from the edge
and i feel like the royalty
asset
i have never been.
reasons i can't leave you
i swear i could've made a movie out of us.
a scene cut from us, wholesome ethereal beings
you complaining about symmetry
and how it bothers you to be so far from perfect.
wish i understood the treason you felt
by means of genetics
because you're far from being symmetrical
but you were very close to my idea of perfection.
even your rusty lips,
your hollow ribs,
your small hips
it all seems to fit quite well
into my real needs.
this year
i guess i'm doomed to find myself
in the coldest of places.
i fell asleep drinking wine and i woke up with bleeding lips.
make a game out of myself, that is.
it's what i've been trying to do when i feel erased.
from phonebooks, e-mail lists,
when i can't show up to parties because i'm too lonely.
this year is a scar that won't leave.
this year has broken me in ways i can't repair.
this year,
it's been hell.
sweetest of them,
your scent still lingers on
no sweat,
no heat
no beat
no love
in the coldest of places.
i fell asleep drinking wine and i woke up with bleeding lips.
make a game out of myself, that is.
it's what i've been trying to do when i feel erased.
from phonebooks, e-mail lists,
when i can't show up to parties because i'm too lonely.
this year is a scar that won't leave.
this year has broken me in ways i can't repair.
this year,
it's been hell.
sweetest of them,
your scent still lingers on
no sweat,
no heat
no beat
no love
ocean within
i want to leave this body
replace it with water instead.
fill up the concavity weary of touch.
i have never kissed more strangers
and i never felt stranger to myself.
never have i ever felt so detached aswell.
i want to leave this hole in your bed
heavy, sinking in
so there's someone else you can remember
when you realize nothing,
other than you,
has gone wrong.
i'll let you go and defeated,
i'll push myself upwards
sew back my heart
swallow the pill
it's a headstart.
get ready for the show, son.
get ready for me. on me. with me.
i'm draining and changing,
filling up; overwhelming,
but i've for the power of the seven seas,
and i'll harness the madness of the ocean within.
part iii: fall out
it's the thrill
i kissed him to keep him warm
and to keep me warm
he's already asleep in his mind
i think
and i'm losing mine
i dressed up but it's so cold
it's the thrill
have you ever felt it go?
now he's cold
his head spins
his record collection resembles mine
in oh so many ways
let's make out on the floor,
over the kitchen counter
against your bedroom wall
i want to retrace your jawline with my fingers
and wake up in the morning
with a crippling feeling inside
i could be dying
but i'll be okay while i'm by your side
i could be dying
i'll hold you in between my arms
the space between your ribs is empty
like mine
someone's left a hole nobody can fill
i guess
i may be falling in love
and i'm so scared
where are you now?
have you lost your mind to delicacies
or has someone lost track of you?
i think about you ever so often,
my mouth goes dry with a touch.
i think of the way your eyes space out
and how you race my beating heart.
you're nowhere to be found,
you're no one.
maybe all this time i was living an illusion.
or maybe it was the part of my life
that was doomed to feel ethereal.
3 am again
hey were the fuck was this part of my life in the god damned contract
the part where i'm neither fullfilled nor empty
a complete piece in an empty space
dirty pool water never washing away for real
i should've drowned when i had the chance
i should've not mistaken kindness with interestest
i should've not done everything i did but
fuck it
i learnt my lesson i guess
seven storeys
i woke up in the ceiling.
i was watching you from above repeat the feeling.
i could've made a movie out of us,
i swear i could've thrown the best curve
with every secret move you held in stack,
i woke up and i couldn't believe it.
i'm out of myself when they say i'm out to chase.
i should not be patient, oh i should be brave.
can anyone understand
that this is all i have and all i need?
it's not a long lost feeling
in the cupboard
next to the sink?
it's a memory and a hope,
it's hope, god damn it,
hope that one day things will be better for the two of us.
together, alone,
i don't care.
for the time being
and after everything i pulled through
you fade out wouldn't really mean an ending.
i can see through the glass now and i'm no longer waiting for my next move.
i'll stay quiet.
open, still, sticky eyelashes.
when you decide, i'll open my heart.
i'm wait for my time to come.
the thrill of the chase
chase me under street lights
all the way to downtown manhattan
then wash me clean under the covers.
control the only part of your life you have left;
give into power for one secret left unsaid
unravel the mysteries of being no one for a day.
post-it notes make up for break ups
and then they're lost in the wind.
try to make a phone call and fail,
try to change and never let me win.
more than twice the clock has sung,
even more times the streets have cracked
the bus and its flat tire
blister me up and i can't be tired
i could never wake up to nothing,
i admit i can be cynical in your worst nightmares
but there's only a facade of pills and blankets
only to mask up what was lost in central park's snow.
we've not been the same and that won't derail us,
i hope you don't stay and sulk.
i've heard your singing voice and shaky knees say my name
and even then i never felt more alone.
follow me down to the river where no one will know us
and then we'll sleep in the subway seats.
follow me down to wherever i like,
but never, never let me in.
all the way to downtown manhattan
then wash me clean under the covers.
control the only part of your life you have left;
give into power for one secret left unsaid
unravel the mysteries of being no one for a day.
post-it notes make up for break ups
and then they're lost in the wind.
try to make a phone call and fail,
try to change and never let me win.
more than twice the clock has sung,
even more times the streets have cracked
the bus and its flat tire
blister me up and i can't be tired
i could never wake up to nothing,
i admit i can be cynical in your worst nightmares
but there's only a facade of pills and blankets
only to mask up what was lost in central park's snow.
we've not been the same and that won't derail us,
i hope you don't stay and sulk.
i've heard your singing voice and shaky knees say my name
and even then i never felt more alone.
follow me down to the river where no one will know us
and then we'll sleep in the subway seats.
follow me down to wherever i like,
but never, never let me in.
here i begin
some would've said, fine, this is it, the cards are on the table and someone has played its part.
for me, it's nothing but that.
it looks as if now i have a starting point,
the blossoming of the blood that has been saving itself up.
i trusted my gut this long,
it has kept me alive,
no doubt.
now it says it's time
to bleed out
spill it out,
all out
all out
to breathe and play the next goddamned round
a mind-game created by yours truly
here i am;
here i begin.
for me, it's nothing but that.
it looks as if now i have a starting point,
the blossoming of the blood that has been saving itself up.
i trusted my gut this long,
it has kept me alive,
no doubt.
now it says it's time
to bleed out
spill it out,
all out
all out
to breathe and play the next goddamned round
a mind-game created by yours truly
here i am;
here i begin.
the
the struggle
the mountains
the layers of stitches
the air conditioning
the itching in the throat
the shoving words down your throat
the rustiness
the fear
the need to be sincere
the extreme pain
the extreme cold
this sensation doesn't get old
stranger's disease iii
sweetness in the tip of my tongue
it's always bulging me, protruding like a limb
a nuisance to everything i see
it's killing me
softly, luring me into sleep
but i'd never sleep for long,
not without the shadows
and the room's got to vacate
who is brooding and who is lame
behind my gums it sticks
stays in palce like a random itch
don't know how it came,
but strangely it buries itself.
it's cold out, i've said it before
now it's burning me and my sheets
can i feel at ease?
keep my fears at bay,
relieve the tensions in my chest
until then i'll meet you
in the back of the bus
date 2
i miss the thrill of your voice and how your eyes seemed to shine in the right questions. they still do, don't get me wrong; they're beautiful as ever but the thrill, oh no the thrill is gone like dead among the living. you're not even trying to save us you're just tired of the whole damn thing and i'm tired of being surprised by the stupidest of words
the art of keeping up silences
okay alright there's no need to be poetic. i'm not poetic and the whole thing is just plain fucking absurd. it's like i'm living in a constant white noise and it's repeating your name, your name in the darkness and in dreams. it relives the past that i can't forget and maybe you believe that it wasn't such a big deal. like seriously how can't anything be but a serious fucking deal? really? i admire the capacity you have of keeping me thinking and keeping up the art of appearances when i think i might just be the most t r a n s p a r e n t human in the city. and it makes me strong, you know. i'm not afraid of who i am, i'm only afraid of who you think i am. really. where are you? where are you?
weekly messages / stranger's disease II
there's a stranger living in my chest. it carries its own burden, i guess. acid refills the top of my lungs a floods my head in a whirlwind. i tell myself to take a deep breath but then i wheeze and ooze and it can only get worse. would sleeping soothe me? i don't know. will smoking soothe me? probably not. will you? will any of them? no. i'm sure this person is here to stay. it's probably telling me i need to grow up.
settle down
there's people who dream of floating away in outer space as stars call them back home. there's people in an intermittent type of future who survive their present day by day in the hopes that it will come to them. they plan and the dream and they save up emotions, time and money, to splurge once the desired times arrive. those people scare me: what if when the moment arrives they can't leave? what if when the moment arrives they're alone and nobody waves goodbye? who pushes the rest of the world away, afraid of settling down in affairs for the long run when one is human and has a heart? it's not something comprehensible, i guess, living in the future. especially when your present is what you've always wanted and you want to settle down. have a house and live in peace. there's nowhere else i would be, except chasing after future people.
karma keeps on rolling
true,
namely i have followed the path of others.
she might be right,
hear? she might as well be.
i do follow traces,
scrapes of the unknown
just to deem with a little panic
a subtlety of my own soul
in the hopes that if will begin
to sound familiar
when you wake up.
then it's the only one who i can't be,
don't want to be,
but always wished to see.
the deiety,
the goddess that has crumbled my temple
with nothing more than a memory,
like the worst hangover
you can have.
karma keeps on rolling
i'll play with my wigs
karma keeps on rolling
baby i'm not the one you see
weekend report
there's absolutely nothing there. i tried, believe me i'm trying to understand how the heart races for someone else, but suddenly i'm distracted by your actions and i get lost. all the same, i'm not trying to find myself. maybe i'm trying to acquire feelings i know i don't have, and understanding the birth of nothingness is kind of impossible. get me thinking, i don't know. tell me stories about yourself. let me build you up. trace the peaks of your ribs. give me something i can hang on to. otherwise how can i label this?
surface/not poetic
there should be a flow of words distinctively coming at me in this thoughtful moment. i've tried, hard enough, time after time for it to be real and pleasant. at some point when the noise was louder than my will, i gave up. i kind of guess you noticed, but still, it isn't as poetic as i imagined it would turn out to be. it wasn't poetic. it never has been and it never will be. however, i find poetry in some of the strangest details. when i'm talking i am noticing and i notice that you're listening. i got used to you. but i don't like this out of routine. i like this because it wasn't as cold as the weather report said and the bus didn't take long to come. i like this because i push myself to new places where i can never settle down. i like this because if i push hard enough, i can see the tiny cracks. i'll never get them to pour in. but i'm okay with it.
leaving and breathing
leaving and breathing the same rusty contents. a year ago has nothing to do with me. whoever's new hasn't come to stay for long. otherwise, i would have known. it isn't surprising anymore when the game plays itself in front of my eyes and i just fall asleep before the right cards come in hand. a year ago has nothing to do with me. it's not me. she died beside the hospital bed, in a frenzy for packing her will up; she died, she died.
post op
tension has arisen. it's nested in a place i can't define as well as i can talk about the structures of life. but it's there, i feel it. it struggles to break free. my hands shake and i tell everyone, "i know panic." for some reason i want everyone to know that i can panic. just in case. in case i do it and i need help again. in case i feel like drowning. i haven't sunk my head enough since the summer. now i'm alright on the surface but it still feels like sinking...
manipulation
she could spend a day in someone else's head
if she had to
she could wear you out with headaches
if demanded
she keeps reminding me of it
already running out of good intentions
demand
don't ask questions you don't want me to answer.
you know me,
you know my intensity.
i can be brave
but i break easily.
don't ask questions for answers' you'll evade.
i'll never aim to please.
i aim to ease.
then don't expect me to be kind,
don't expect my empathy,
don't expect me to stay calm.
if there's a raging pressure against my chest every night,
and the lid came off when you reached out,
would you be surprised?
it's not charming,
i know.
it's not sweet.
but i'm not sweet and i'm not bitter
i'm just blood between teeth.
but right now everything itches
how a set of right words could send me spinning
you know me,
you know my intensity.
i can be brave
but i break easily.
don't ask questions for answers' you'll evade.
i'll never aim to please.
i aim to ease.
then don't expect me to be kind,
don't expect my empathy,
don't expect me to stay calm.
if there's a raging pressure against my chest every night,
and the lid came off when you reached out,
would you be surprised?
it's not charming,
i know.
it's not sweet.
but i'm not sweet and i'm not bitter
i'm just blood between teeth.
but right now everything itches
how a set of right words could send me spinning
reconnecting
these days were favourable for a couple of reasons:
system re-wired.
rain washed away misery.
the cold whiplashed my self-esteem.
i learnt that being alone
and being lonely
do not correlate.
i was lonely with people for months.
i stabilize and try again
to recompose the structure that makes me
here we are.
eloquently placed pieces of furniture,
cleverly detailed make up.
scars, scarves, scarcity of space.
i don't feel your urge for long.
you come back, yes;
but it's not lonely...
thanks, bud.
i learnt a lot from you.
plans!
pre-meditation
pre-planning
care
care for caring
it doesn't work for me
I think quit before i could even begin
and yet i spontaneously
found how fast my heartbeat can race
in the thrill of the thunderstorm
over us the skies were gray
but i've got my shoes and i've got my hair
and it still behaves like a mane
but i don't care
i wish i could quit everything else but it wouldn't be fair
i should be sleeping and
maybe i should be planning
but you know me,
(well no, you don't)
i work better under pressure
pre drunken mumbles, part 2 (no curtains)
maybe i was bound to meet someone like him.
his bedroom was a live show,
there were only windows and at night,
i could only see myself and it was repulsive.
it was a very cold shower month we lived through.
i guess he'd still be bitter.
i'd be bitter.
his eyes pierced through me like he was watching, i was ever too aware
worried his eyes may see too much of me.
enough to worry me.
but i let it slip.
it was nice to pretend i was a mystery at some point.
i hope he writes me in bathroom stalls
like i write him.
pre drunken mumbles, part 1
what are you?
like seriously where fuck do you fit in?
is it in bed, is it in whose bed?
is it on the floor, on the strets,
in someone else's embrace?
who the fuck are you?
a missing piece perhaps.
have you found your way?
maybe you fit in being lost
in feeling like you can't belong
anywhere.
maybe you fit in fleeting by
and being unexpected;
nobody to wave goodbye,
means nobody to miss,
right?
tie
it's kind of unsettling
how sometimes you let green lights slip.
how the glasses of wine slip away from my hand
as quickly as i fall asleep.
then i can't remember a thing;
well i always remember
but never the important parts
the hurdles we build on our own path
and then the need for growing old.
it was the never ending need for connection that broke our hearts.
we have not seen each other in months.
in years, maybe.
or have i ever?
you'll never be here.
or there.
where are you, anyway?
homesick
okay so if i ever leave this town remind me not to take with me only the parts i like. that way i could only suffer. good memories are necessary but if i can't remember crying or being heartbroken in the same corner i was once kissed, then what's the whole point of leaving? i know i'll miss home terribly. oh yeah i may not be romantic, but boy my heart does quiver when the sun goes down in this concrete nightmare. the buses are the worst and there's this traffic i hate; everyone screams at odd hours and i've got the alarms settled deep in my brain. probably this will repeat itself in other places. i can't escape it. no matter where i find myself next there will be suffering and joy, but if i don't remember the pain that made me, then who am i? if i ever leave, remind me to pack the city alongside my luggage so i may never feel the need to come right back.
be careful
you have to be
as careful with the unknown
as you are with what you own.
there's nothing more terrible
than not owning up to our words;
as if the world wasn't built on promises
on word over word over
and time and again there's
someone who crashes the treasures you've built
and they know nothing
oh they know absolutely nothing about me
as careful with the unknown
as you are with what you own.
there's nothing more terrible
than not owning up to our words;
as if the world wasn't built on promises
on word over word over
and time and again there's
someone who crashes the treasures you've built
and they know nothing
oh they know absolutely nothing about me
whatsapp transcript, 21:23
i'm still not happy. like, i thought i was gonna be happy after seeing him or something but i'm not.i'm not happy. i wasn't happy when i arrived, i wasn't happy while i was there, and not happy now that i left him. and i don't know why and i hate this because i wanna be happy with him, because he's nice and i like him and we have fun... but there's just something off that i just don't like.... and if i'm not happy then what's the point? right?
talk
i talked
i talked and talked and
i kept on talking
and i kept myself awake
and i kept talking to myself
maybe words could heal me, i thought
maybe if i talk enough i'll let it out
so i talked and kept on with my madness
guess what?
it worked
i don't feel anything anymore
weeks
he said it was alright
said it was just the weekend off
but it's been longer than i have been hoping for
and now it's touching down to earth
now it's sinking in my head
i'll be the ghost tonight
i want to touch you one more time
so know i'm blending in to say goodnight
and even if it's leaning
even if it's got to part
i want to make sure this is not my fault
but it is
baby but it is, i swear
i guess i have been too aware
the coldest hands
"if your hands are always cold,
how on earth are you going to keep me warm?"
i wonder if there's any truth to it.
if there's anyone who could actually
just hold me together
for long enough to rinse away the shivering touch.
the cold has its own evil side,
i can't feel anything beneath my palms,
you resist my touch
(don't worry, i would too)
i can burn myself and still feel nothing
wait.
is it evil,
or is it a blessing?
depends on how much you want to burn yourself, i suppose.
how on earth are you going to keep me warm?"
i wonder if there's any truth to it.
if there's anyone who could actually
just hold me together
for long enough to rinse away the shivering touch.
the cold has its own evil side,
i can't feel anything beneath my palms,
you resist my touch
(don't worry, i would too)
i can burn myself and still feel nothing
wait.
is it evil,
or is it a blessing?
depends on how much you want to burn yourself, i suppose.
stranger's disease
you're the victim of my eyelids.
there's a close-bound reinforcement
compelled by everyone you've ever known.
the victim of the fire escape:
a cat that ran through the doors.
it fell, and as it did,
the landing was seen as something outstanding.
from the bottom we watched and i admired.
just past the ladder i climbed
so high i told you i could never get back down.
i was freezing to death and there was smoke in my chest
hell if you knew what do with me.
you're de-frozen, detached.
disembodied by the lights.
killing and fighting demons at your back.
you're rusty like vinyl,
you're heavy and deep like plunging waters.
you're clean,
you're a stranger's disease.
and there's nothing like running through the cracks,
of someone else who once knew you;
the person that you thought was the one.
there's nothing more familiar
than pulling apart the lid
that kept the ribcage together.
there's nothing,
let me tell you,
like dying away in august midnights.
there's a close-bound reinforcement
compelled by everyone you've ever known.
the victim of the fire escape:
a cat that ran through the doors.
it fell, and as it did,
the landing was seen as something outstanding.
from the bottom we watched and i admired.
just past the ladder i climbed
so high i told you i could never get back down.
i was freezing to death and there was smoke in my chest
hell if you knew what do with me.
you're de-frozen, detached.
disembodied by the lights.
killing and fighting demons at your back.
you're rusty like vinyl,
you're heavy and deep like plunging waters.
you're clean,
you're a stranger's disease.
and there's nothing like running through the cracks,
of someone else who once knew you;
the person that you thought was the one.
there's nothing more familiar
than pulling apart the lid
that kept the ribcage together.
there's nothing,
let me tell you,
like dying away in august midnights.
to hope
to hope is to regret,
at last.
there’s a lot of damage in building dreams up,
and watching them fall
as swiftly as you can say no.
there’s a lot of courage in opening up
but the bleeding will wash us over,
it’ll wash me over,
you’ll slip away…
to hope is to be strong,
i guess.
because hope hides the true face of fear.
behind the house of cards are
a million days for a million tears.
there’s silence and there’s the scent,
of someone strange but so familiar,
and in the back of my head,
it still rings,
“don’t run away.”
at last.
there’s a lot of damage in building dreams up,
and watching them fall
as swiftly as you can say no.
there’s a lot of courage in opening up
but the bleeding will wash us over,
it’ll wash me over,
you’ll slip away…
to hope is to be strong,
i guess.
because hope hides the true face of fear.
behind the house of cards are
a million days for a million tears.
there’s silence and there’s the scent,
of someone strange but so familiar,
and in the back of my head,
it still rings,
“don’t run away.”
a break
remember all the laying
and lying and staying
i wonder where i might go now
if i'll break my heart again
you hear?
i was the streets
and my hair was making weird turns
and everything i ever stood for
was bound to go to hell.
whilst i waited i froze to death
and i drank coffee and wine without restriction
maybe the former individual inhabiting my skin
would have complained.
would i have been ashamed?
i can't make people understand
that i just don't care.
i am a proper runaway.
i run i the worst times
escaping from the fathers and the mothers
who have nested me this long.
i am a sailor,
heart at sea,
sunken in machines
buses and the never ending necessity
of commuting.
for this i'd outlived
a hundred times the skin that fights me.
and for this i think
i'll keep on fighting
even if when i speak you can't talk
like looking in the mirror
like loving in between the walls
delays
i will start up the fire
it burns my eyelids wide open
i am nothing yet i burn
and i will bleed
for days and all the bullets shoot
right past behind me
i am scared
to death
and i should not fear death
as i have seen it with
my own two eyes,
i should not be offended by it.
instead i worry about how insignificant
connectivity can make us feel.
i feel so lost in you
when i wake to two hundred feelings
and i fall asleep to nothing.
i'll learn, eventually i will
and i'll stop the burning fires
that have caused so much damage in me
it burns my eyelids wide open
i am nothing yet i burn
and i will bleed
for days and all the bullets shoot
right past behind me
i am scared
to death
and i should not fear death
as i have seen it with
my own two eyes,
i should not be offended by it.
instead i worry about how insignificant
connectivity can make us feel.
i feel so lost in you
when i wake to two hundred feelings
and i fall asleep to nothing.
i'll learn, eventually i will
and i'll stop the burning fires
that have caused so much damage in me
it's been raining in the desert
i'm retracing our steps,
but everything's changed,
everything's changing
the radio still fails
the heart still skips a beat
the sofa's broken and it always will be
it's been raining in the desert for days.
i retrace our steps
i'm happy to say
you're not there
you're not there anymore
and i could learn how to heal
i still feel your rush against my skin
or your smell in my hair
but these are not my memories
i've peeled them off like new skin
everyone asks about you,
you're gone with the sea
i'm gone in the wind
with the blink of an eye
i travel 900 miles
and i am no longer who i used to be
always cold
it's me. it's always been me.
i've always been talking about myself because i'm the only character i'm capable of developing.
here i am, i have nightmares and i still hope you'll text me as often as i think about you. i drink my coffee with milk and cinnamon. i am always cold. i dress like an adult. i wear lipstick. my hair is weird. i can't see very well. i watch all the movies you like and i sneak your social media profiles in case you manage to like me.
i thought i could beat anxiety but it seems like it never wanted to leave me.
i don't think i could be someone else.
i don't think i could handle yet another universe.
oops, i fell
silence is not a waste of time, i guess. but it is to mix with the silence of others. they fill it with words to make up for their lack of passion. the fill it with words to make me feel less like a failure. but you don't need to explain yourself. silence is overruling us, but it won't choke, it won't break us. it will make us. and it will teach me to take my time.
i promise some day i'll learn to wait in line.
back weekends
had the moon set eyes on you
i wouldn't have known
i have been sleeping in apartment blocks
had the wind blown over your sadness
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy making you warm
had the sun shone in your day
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy being blinded
nature has no control
over the takeover of my soul
but there's this mirror
and your hands
and there's my hope
i wouldn't have known
i have been sleeping in apartment blocks
had the wind blown over your sadness
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy making you warm
had the sun shone in your day
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy being blinded
nature has no control
over the takeover of my soul
but there's this mirror
and your hands
and there's my hope
aesthetics
drinking wine on a summery thursday night, wearing my underwear and enjoying the humid midnight breeze. alone. but comfortably alone and in silence.
tuesday, 2:08 am
i slept too poorly
i slept too much
i slept trapped in nightmares
i slept thinking of your touch
i woke up screaming
for the second time in the month
i was being pinned
and now i have a sour taste in my mouth
i slept too poorly
i slept too much
i missed work
and i got drunk
i slept around
and i followed the rules
i won
but i failed too
and now i can't sleep without you
i don't know who i wrote this for
motivated
by the fear of being breakable
the knees go weak in silence
but instead it stays for long
and it's upsettling how i could call you
but i don't because
there's an image to keep
lean on me
lean on me and i'll grab you by the neck
choke choke choke
until you break
baby i love you
but i bave to make amends
and it's terrible how we are ought to break
the end isn't coming now but i can sense it before it falls
because i'm the weakest person you'll ever fuck
and i hope you fuck me tomorrow with the devotion i
the crystal clear silver metal golden shrine
deserves
other men would have left me bleeding
we take these
times alone
slowly that dreads
and drains our bodies
refuel for the next mile
each day is emptier
it closes the hand extended
as soon as we walk out the door
it's as cold as it'll ever be
i'm glad i met you before i froze to death
other men would have left me bleeding
answering machine 3/6/98
am i still sad? maybe. i don't know. i guess i've had too much wine already and no one here's oughta know. i can't pay my bills, let me tell you. i haven't eaten in a while. i have been working a lot but i still struggle to focus. i tend to lose grip on conversation after a while and easily i shut down. is this me? i can't seriously tell. maybe it's me. it's the me i've never known. the one that disconnects and tries to improve. do i still get pains in my chest when i can't get to rest peacefully? i do. why lie? i can't lie anymore. it's useless. playing the game has only made me more miserable. what about you? have you lost your mind too?
momentary lapses of unending bliss
have you ever stopped at the pebble-stone floor lined up with dog shit from the upscale neighborhoods and consider the reason why you're still doing this? why you're still pushing yourself out of bed morning after morning, washing your face in cold water and wearing hills in the wrong weather? it's not a question that someone will ask you, because it's almost impossible to think about a reasonable answer. is it because you prefer or choose to suffer for all the right reasons than be happy with might kill you? they are still out there, the momentary lapses of unending bliss, that you can experience walking downhill in the midst of the morning glory that causes the sunshine when it leaks through the leaves. or maybe while he's pounding into you and he looks into your eyes and you shake while you cover his body with the sheet so he doesn't feel the shivers outside the room. or maybe when the world outside comes crashing and you're still inside in the safest place you can find, hiding in the soft rolling murmur of strangers standing outside coffee shops. have you ever thought how our days can be plagued of these small scale successes, that can only give us hope when someone asks, "have you ever thought why you're still doing this?"
update
people have said
i was beautiful
i was pretty
and desired me
but it hasn't
it hasn't stopped choking me
i was beautiful
i was pretty
and desired me
but it hasn't
it hasn't stopped choking me
unanswered
maybe today i'll learn
that sex doesn't make me better.
that maybe men are meant to be mean.
that i won't find someone to love me forever
as fast as i think.
everyone's got their fair share of mistakes
and everyone's got their fare share of wrong doings.
i guess i've taken my stall
and i won't keep myself waiting
for someone to show up.
i guess i just want to keep up an image
or i want to prove
that i don't have to be alone.
but all of this has only weakened me.
it has made me vulnerable.
now people call me a whore.
now i think myself as a whore.
and it's not your fault,
it's not my fault either.
i just can't bring myself to meet someone
in real life.
i have to work on it.
i'll get back to you when i'm ready.
now i'll take things slowly.
or i guess i'll try.
with you i hit my head against the pavement
oh so hard.
this was the culprit
it has shown me
that i'm not supposed
to trust the blindness of space
and make my way through life
at a steady pace
because after all
i am oh so young.
that sex doesn't make me better.
that maybe men are meant to be mean.
that i won't find someone to love me forever
as fast as i think.
everyone's got their fair share of mistakes
and everyone's got their fare share of wrong doings.
i guess i've taken my stall
and i won't keep myself waiting
for someone to show up.
i guess i just want to keep up an image
or i want to prove
that i don't have to be alone.
but all of this has only weakened me.
it has made me vulnerable.
now people call me a whore.
now i think myself as a whore.
and it's not your fault,
it's not my fault either.
i just can't bring myself to meet someone
in real life.
i have to work on it.
i'll get back to you when i'm ready.
now i'll take things slowly.
or i guess i'll try.
with you i hit my head against the pavement
oh so hard.
this was the culprit
it has shown me
that i'm not supposed
to trust the blindness of space
and make my way through life
at a steady pace
because after all
i am oh so young.
falling
charles bukowski told me
'find what you love
and let it kill you'
and my dear,
frankly,
it's exactly what i'm doing
three weeks
please
i don't want to lose you
losing you would only mean
sinking in again
and it's the last thing i want to do right now
only
if it's real then i don't wanna know
if you're true i must have forgotten
i can't remember
my senses must have failed
there's a bed, i see it
and there's this lingering scent
of mouthwash and someone so great
but i can't remember a face
nonetheless i felt incredibly safe
will you ever be real again?
i wanted to hold you forever
and feel the warmth of your skin in these days
it's so cold outside of this place
i can't even begin to explain
but i hurt and i itch
there are bruises in my skin
how did i get them? i can't see
you were only so good to me
funeral party
i'm calling it quits when the race hasn't even begun
we're far from drowning ourselves in the pool
let's keep it simple, let's keep it clean,
i'll stay dry and you'll stay mean
i'm dropping a funeral party for the dreams i had
everyone's invited to see them crash
i should've thought it over when i had the chance
at least not there's something i can torture myself with
as each day in silence goes by
i only write about you
to make myself feel special
until the sun begins to shine
again, whatever that
has ever meant
we're far from drowning ourselves in the pool
let's keep it simple, let's keep it clean,
i'll stay dry and you'll stay mean
i'm dropping a funeral party for the dreams i had
everyone's invited to see them crash
i should've thought it over when i had the chance
at least not there's something i can torture myself with
as each day in silence goes by
i only write about you
to make myself feel special
until the sun begins to shine
again, whatever that
has ever meant
a future concept
i graduate. i graduate and i feel that sense of relief of finally being a major. i have two jobs, not because i particularly need them, but because they don't take up a full day so i can work in both. now i'm a major with two jobs, a small flat in some place i'd like to live, with a lot pf plants in the kitchen. the apartment is old and weary, there are leakages in the kitchen ceiling that come from my neighbor above, but nothing to worry about. i don't have pets, i don't have a boyfriend, but i don't feel alone. i've learnt to enjoy my own company. at the end of the day when i get home and get to enjoy playing a record while i work out or take a shower and read. money is not a problem. i can afford living comfortably, and save up, maybe for a car, mostly to travel. i have a good relationship with my university mates and my other friends. i have a good relationship with my parents. i get to maintain a weight i feel comfortable in. i get to drink wine on friday nights and go on dates with guys.
untitled
i wish there was an update.
i miss someone. i just don't know who.
life is fleeting before my eyes
and your interests flutters and runs down
faster than i can say your name,
because i haven't
i have never s a i d y o u r n a me
how come what's not over
breaks my heart?
i miss someone. i just don't know who.
life is fleeting before my eyes
and your interests flutters and runs down
faster than i can say your name,
because i haven't
i have never s a i d y o u r n a me
how come what's not over
breaks my heart?
turtlenecks
i wish i could consume my weekends
with someone who cares enough
but i'll guess i'll restore my faith
in emtpy houses and late evening rom coms
or maybe in red wine
and work
i have so much work to do
why do you leave me alone?
outrageous
say yes you know
you wanna go slow
say yes you know
don't break me down
say yes you know
you'll keep me safe
say yes you know
you can't fight
pitch black
pitch black
say yes you know
and you won't leave me alone
you wanna go slow
say yes you know
don't break me down
say yes you know
you'll keep me safe
say yes you know
you can't fight
pitch black
pitch black
say yes you know
and you won't leave me alone
another round for the boys
feels like the blacking out act
of my own skin
is my safest choice in this war
for no reason i'm bound to cry
i'm losing for someone's touch
i'm losing myself for demons unhatched
will i drown inside
the pains in my chest?
will i relieve the trust in this old bed?
can i afford to break apart,
when the top of my life
doesn't seem so far?
tell me cause i'm
falling
and nothing is stopping me now
of my own skin
is my safest choice in this war
for no reason i'm bound to cry
i'm losing for someone's touch
i'm losing myself for demons unhatched
will i drown inside
the pains in my chest?
will i relieve the trust in this old bed?
can i afford to break apart,
when the top of my life
doesn't seem so far?
tell me cause i'm
falling
and nothing is stopping me now
time and again
i'll fall for you
time and again
my chest aches
i ignore the pain
my best is in the little
flashing, never ending
trails of looks
inside my head i'm screaming your name
nothing was supposed to happen
but i guess i'll keep this safe
i can't ruin this
time and again
i'll send you tears in the mailbox
i fall in love too easily
i fall in love too fast
i fall in love too terribly hard
for love to ever last
my heart should be well-schooled
cause I been fooled in the past
but still I fall in love too easily
i fall in love too fast
am i making this up?
i wish you had
sent me at least
(at least)
a short notice
so i wouldn't have
given up
on the only one book i do love
sent me at least
(at least)
a short notice
so i wouldn't have
given up
on the only one book i do love
beer
i trail off when i get lost in (you)
i'm so sleepy i'm so sorry
just kiss me
so i don't fall asleep
we like each other
because we can't
get
out of our minds
and not even for a second
where i fall asleep inside my own
arms and i try not to fuck up
my make up, regardless of what they say
i can only listen to myself
and it gets hard to breathe
i'm so sleepy i'm so sorry
just kiss me
so i don't fall asleep
we like each other
because we can't
get
out of our minds
and not even for a second
where i fall asleep inside my own
arms and i try not to fuck up
my make up, regardless of what they say
i can only listen to myself
and it gets hard to breathe
thoughts about feelings
i'm depressed i'm depressed
i am d e p r e s s ed
i'm sinking
but i think i'm just going to lay there for a couple of lifetimes
i am d e p r e s s ed
i'm sinking
but i think i'm just going to lay there for a couple of lifetimes
trust issues
the sole idea of missing some part of yourself sounds so strange… can i detach my body from what it used to be? ever since i was a kid i felt so safe, entrapped in my walls and suddenly i feel that the person i trust the most can betray me first. the summer has come along with so many people i never thought would ever show up. and they all did their best, so did i. “it’s hard to be a human being, and it’s harder as anything goes” sings modest mouse in the back of my head while we drive through the highway at midnight. and then it’s my conscience singing, “you shouldn’t have done that.”
and relationships are such wonderful things… i poured my heart out to people who wouldn’t have heard me even if i screamed back to their faces. some of them even call me and try to reach through my walls. i got so scared, god, i was so scared and i still am… there’s no reason to be this scared. well, maybe it was the consistent pain in my chest that works as a fountain of anguish and deception? or was it the panic striking in the subway at 3 PM? even at the top of my life, i find that the one person i trust the most can betray me, and make me go through hell when all i wanted was to deep into the ocean and sink, sink beautifully by your side…
remember when we were younger
remember when we were younger than we are now and we used to run around the city under the rain even if it was winter or summer or whatever it was // remember when we were younger than we are now and we used to be so alone we actually talked to each other like it meant something // remember when we were younger than we are now and we used to be scared of naked flesh and skin and now it's all we see
calling out first
i wasn't supposed to fall
and i don't think i did
but you make me lie awake
at 1 AM
when i would fall asleep.
the image of your
head sleeping on my legs
haunts me to the point of no return.
and the blackened waters
heating up in broken couches
and sleeping on the floor.
art meant to love
"you've got a sensible eye
for the finest
for the weakest and the best
art"
and then he plays and nibbles around
with his fingers on black keys.
somehow this was always meant to be in my head.
am i a sensible piece of art?
am i inside the complex keys in your mind?
am i, as you fall asleep
the fleeting shadow under your eyes?
it's the never ending question.
all i know is you haven't been mine.
if i am a lover of the art
am i art meant to be loved?
for the finest
for the weakest and the best
art"
and then he plays and nibbles around
with his fingers on black keys.
somehow this was always meant to be in my head.
am i a sensible piece of art?
am i inside the complex keys in your mind?
am i, as you fall asleep
the fleeting shadow under your eyes?
it's the never ending question.
all i know is you haven't been mine.
if i am a lover of the art
am i art meant to be loved?
work talks
he asked me if i could sneak out
at night
and be with him.
i told him i had never been alone.
"what did you do those
three weeks you were?
why didn't you
see anyone?"
"well i didn't have anyone.
i spent most of my time
studying, dancing,
and singing."
i just spent most time
clearing my head.
but if it had been him
i would have shared my time
thank you youth
oh youth
oh wonderful youth
you bring me down
in pieces
no information no precision
i am at a loss at skylines
they break my heart and bones
they crack my hips open
they say it's only what you want to hear
you feel what you want to feel
and i know
i know
my body is running away from me
i'm only myself when i'm drowning
i have learnt to be one in the face of death
but i wished it would leave me alone
i want to be okay sometime you know
i want to have fun and not try to
explode
oh youth you make me
nervous
you make me sweat
i don't recognize faces
thank you, youth
i know i'm beautiful
but what for?
desert talks #1: light fields
it cried today.
i asked if it could not be sad tomorrow.
we had some arguments when i came back
because we hadn't seen each other
in a long, long time.
the waves almost left us far from shore
and drowned me.
but i'll keep on fighting.
be good to me, desert.
you're growing up.
i think we're growing up together.