stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"




you know i've grown aware of myself.
of my lack of stability (i hit and miss and throw stuff and lose stuff and demand but i never give)
of my need to sleep (to prevent from falling and crying and regaing stability which was never mine)
of my spacing out (to the days where i thought i was happier than now though i used to panic with you around)

i have become aware of the person i am
of the one you chose to stay with
now my question is
are you?

she chose this
not you

but love never let her choose
when she realized she was falling it was late
she had broken a bone or two.


the confusion

i could write a book in my sleep
i wrote a few.
if you call not sleeping a dream.

it turns the lovers into fluff.
the yellowish remains of leaves
on the side of the road
have been rotten again
time and again
where i tried to hide my fears
and my broken bones

could anyone have seen my fall
could anyone instead take a part
could no one,
listen to the falling rain
for a second it's my radio
they're playing my song

it's called
i miss the solitude i never lost
i long for the life i always had
i have what i want but it's not really mine



put your sweater on.
stop yawning.
these gray walls can hear you cry.
they can see through your oldest tears.
you've let them dry,
now they shine on your cheeks
like the glitter i set on my eyes.
you're all the kinds of sleepy
the waves tickle your skin
in the subway
but then you're in bed instead
wishing you could stay that way
sip your coffee
turn off the lights
crack your knuckles
welcome back.

i love you
                come back


yes it's bones

you look so small.
like you could fit inside my pocket.
when i talk about you
my eyes light up and i
just want to hold you

it's strange because i want to
hit and run
come and get you

but they don't know you're real
they have no way of knowing
you fit in my pocket
or maybe not in my pocket
let's try a bit bigger
in my bed
in my arms

still small.
still delicious.
still not a figure of relief.
a mystery.
a bag of bones.

but it's MY bag of bones



dormant eyelids now flutter.
but they never close.
no they can't close against dripping windowpanes.
they can't shut off the headache.
i got the memo,

it's fucking annoying
i'd make it stop if i could

i have been wondering: what is the root of all my evils?
is it you?
or is it me?
or is it something i can aim my blame at?
because if i was to blame,
oh dear we're going down to hell
with a one way
business class ticket

shit if i KNEW i was going to hell
i'd throw the biggest ass party
in the whole planet
just so you could see me crumble

ah i think about this
all the time
what are my miseries:
lack of conflict
lack of commitment
lack lack lack lack lack

i wish i could hear your voice in drunken messages but it's dead it's long gone it's no longer yours.



if smiles could make a comeback
if going down on you was the solution
if the fireworks actually burned my throat
then everything would be
kind of like the color orange-
sort of hazy, in the end
nothing disgusting;

i wouldn't be complaining if
for a sudden change of pressure
i lost my change
but i would complain
in the case of leakage,
someone has broken into my
and has taken something that never belonged to them.

i don't want it back, keep it.
it's kind of rotten now.
it used to be bright,
with a brand new metallic finish,
it's called will, hopes, and dreams

not to be confused with love
for i have never stolen
a single lonely heart
and i have never
heard mine stitch itself back up.

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i used to fall asleep without you
i used to be fine with the running of the water
i used to dream.
now i lay with my mouth dry
trying to figure out what i
haven't done wrong.
i used to fall asleep without guilt.
but i'm guilty for a crime i didn't commit.
it's the empathy
my relief.
not even with your heartbeat i feel at ease
because i never know
how well i am doing
if it's the last time
or the first time
who's about to send the next goodbye



speed dial 2

i miss you so much oh my god. like how the hell does anyone stand this. this silence. i mean please. can ANYONE actually be like this? do you think that this doesn't hurt? who the fuck are you? i can't believe i keep on missing you. i miss your silence, i miss your voice. i miss almost everything and every single aspect about spending the night with you. i can't sleep at night sometimes because i keep on remembering the relief of your lips. am i insane? probably. i don't know. i don't know anymore. someone told me that if you didn't want to talk i should try calling you but every time i decide to call you you're asleep or away or god knows where. you live lost in a forest when in reality you're living in the middle of a buzzing city and that's exactly how i am. i'm the busy streets. you know that. i'm the smoke in your lungs and i love that. then you look out the window and see nothing but grey walls and i wish i could be there to see those walls  with you standing there being cold and shivering from the rain. i wish. oh god how i crave you. how i wish you weren't a ghost. some of your friends said you were like a dead man walking. and i love you nonetheless. you're skin and bones but you're my skin and bones. where are you? can you please answer the phone? i love you. please. i love you. 



i can't believe you've been broken.
i can't believe somebody walked in your veins and destroyed you.
i can't believe i stand in front of god's creation
and i see nothing but shredded pieces of glass.
who is this that has been a wave?
a colossal being that crashed you intimacy,
that thrashed your confidence,
that told you you weren't worth it?
who is this that leaves you hanging on the line,
waiting for a response,
when the heart can't take it anymore?
i can't believe there was someone so rude
to break you,

and time after time i watch from the window how you pick up the pieces
can't see me staring, but i'm there
i'm bigger than all that pain
but i can't fit through the holes
can't collate your bones
how hard is it to fix
what you haven't broken
and apologize
in the name of those you don't know
it's bittersweet i know
but it has to be done

been trying
been trying for miles
for days on end
then the sun is in your eyes
when i tell you i care
so you leave
tell me who's the sun here and who's trying to be
the pavement
the wind
the subway station
the heat
tell me who's been trying and who's been blinding
and even in silence i spend my time
not even knowing who you are



how big, how blue, how beautiful

so much time on the other side
waiting for you to wake up
maybe i'll see you in another life
if this one wasn't enough

so much time on the other side


deleted pages




we're in love with the sinners
within ourselves.
with the blank faces that scream 
back at you and say
just fucking do it.
the one that looks at you in the mirror
and tries to convince you
that you've done nothing wrong.
we're in love with the filthy part of our brains.
the one that works out,
day and night,
ways to catch your sight,
to keep you hanging
from your seat
from the noose
from the top
i keep on swiping up these emotions
before they turn me into
the nightmare i can be
or maybe
want to



may 1st

i elevated my honesty
to a place where i can't return
i've been in arms for longer than normal
a goodbye turned into a precious time
into a
i'll go round the world with you
travel by deserts and pouring rains
for you
in a sweetness that
neither of us is ashamed of,
but still concerned.
what will happen when the other fades?
will i ever remain steady,
looking through the eyes that know me
and feel like i've actually reached
the place i wanted to be?

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