dream log

all my dreams are direct results of my endless wraithlike desperation. lucid and transparent like the veins on my wrists, i follow the sound of thunder to entwine within my own darkness. a light in the sky flashes and pauses for a moment this universe, an electric storm shakes the windows of my room. for a moment i stood static, between these distant words and a reality that is just not mine yet. and i soak in it, every touch and every word; i sink, then i dream, i dream, i lack rest, i'll keep on dreaming till it's all real...

suture plans/virtual lands

days on end,

i see people i can't look at

for reasons unknown i feel disappointed

in god and clothes;

four days in a row,

i have not yet yanked my head off

supposedly i'm better off without smoking

but i only feel worse;

awareness of the self,

in vacant situations and

kissing couples in train stations

i play the same song four, five times

hoping it will speak to me

and make me feel alive;

i suspect,

i see everyone unfolding

everyone responding

into blackened windows

and old sheets of paper

but myself's been wiped out

between tight hands

around my life's neck;

i suspect, once again,

something missing.

on these paths there's only faces

of smog and miscellaneous 

misery

talking to us in languages 

all corrupt;

momentary rawness,

i uneven my steps ahead

in this century i may fall,

i may regret all choices

made in wicked sunsets

underneath a loose promise.

guilty pleasures

well it is one hell of a ride honey
it's one hell of a ride
it's in towns left for oblivion
or stone washed condos
i bore myself to death in this holes we built
i bore myself to death

and if there's settling in
nausea and constant aching backs
then maybe by the end of this year
i'll be someone nicer.

lit my cigarette darling
i'm trying too hard to kill myself
in all the good ways
i am so scared yet so desperate
i am the blood between teeth.

have fun with women, love
i still have time
i'm no woman to you
alleged pleasure for something which is absolutely not mine

but who invited you over
to all my favorite records?
fuck this is no longer my rituals
it's only guilt drained for someone's pleasure

don't breathe in this toxic life

lately i have become more aware
                   (well if you can call paranoia awareness)
that i might not be the person i thought i was
     at least not in your eyes.

for a second i thought i'd have a chance
but hey, who am i kidding?
i never had-
why would you be
                           exceptional?

i'm scared because this is not
the first time
i feel replaced by another pair
of green eyes
and it is also not the first time
that i revive
my spark of hope in spite
of all signals i choose to ignore.

well but maybe i'm wrong,
she says,
maybe it's not true.
maybe he likes you more
or maybe he likes you too.

but the maybe suggests
she believes me too.

i thought that maybe i'd
well maybe
once
i could be the one to
you know,
                have some fun?

                                           god i got to like him so much
                                            i hate myself

war pose/your screams in my mind

i'm losing more than

i could ever win in this

sick kind of tournament

you've led me defenseless to

my own redemption

and though i'm always looking

for ways to deceive you 

you are close to my answer but

i guess you're too scared to say it

just as much as i am scared of

telling the truth.

and they look at me as if i was a stranger

and i am.

people say i'm a bad person,

well then i am.

everyone expects from me

something i know

i'm not ready to give.