stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"



baby blue sedan

and it's hard to be a human being
and it's harder as anything else
and I'm lonesome when you're around
and I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
and I miss you when you're around



a list of mistakes





you know what
fuck you
if you think i'm hard to get
well fuck you
i only ever wanted you
because you wanted me
but my self-esteem is higher than that
go fuck someone else

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every day 
a little bit more
my skin turns to nicotine 
and dust
and for whatever reasons
i seem to choose
so is yours.
i thought it would
not happen to me,
but yet with the
passing of the days
i want to feel the
touch of your hands
and the whisper of your voice
slowly telling me
that i am yours.
your ghostly presence
the deepest of me
let me share this
transformation with you.

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first day at university

suddeny i'm just too scared to grow up. it looks like to me that in a few months my life will completely change, for some reason; i no longer see myself sitting in my desk messing around with social networks. i see myself working and studying and trying to be an adult. i'm not scared of being an adult, in fact i think it is time that i become one, but this may be decisive in my future. i am scared that i'm taking a job purely because i'm in love, because, that's the first reason why i've ever wanted this job. and maybe this love won't last, and hell if anyone knows how unrequited it really is. but inside me, there's a hunch, that this is coming upon me for some reason. i am supposed to be studying what i'm studying for a reason and i'm supposed to take the job for some other reasons. it's all dark, but we're still in march. i think it's a divine sign. i guess i'll have to learn to trust my gut.

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However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you

I will always love you

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sometimes i wish
a greater force pushed me away
from whatever i seem to hate.
but i apparently,
i have to do so myself.
i'm not really sure how,
because i cared so much about you.
but every time
every day, a little bit more
i get more repulsed.
and i think you have always felt the same about me.
i wish it hadn't ended this way.
but it did.

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someone please buy me a box of matches

look at all the things i have to burn!
let me list them:
  (with the wrong person)
  (with my closest)
wasted hours on things that didn't pay off
  ('you're complaining about a B?')
one hundred unsent love letters
and over a thousand poems
directed at the wrong people.

look at all the things i have to burn,
i can't use a lighter.
these things take time to consume,
because i work faster
than any other.

i want to start over
this time i can see it,
i can see the mistakes coming.
but you know what?
i'll have a box of matches.

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going through old entries

oh my gOD
i did love you
it seems so far away but
i loved you jesus christ i did
and look what you did
you fucked up
and now sometimes i glance back
and see you smoking next to me and think-
i loved this person.
but he was always too arrogant to love me back.
i was too arrogant to love him back too.

we're okay
i look at you and now
it's affection-

i suppose
it doesn't burn at least

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