stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"

5/28/13

 

dog problems

when I say
"I hate what I've become"
I lied
I hated who I was

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I don't want to go to sleep

because I'm restless.
cranky. jittery.
I'm done with all of it.

I back hurts 
my chest delivers more spasms
than it should
and my neck looks twisted

I don't sleep
I dream
I dream so lucid, so loud
it's so hard to find peace

I wake up when I shouldn't
I wake up and get confused
I wake up, I'm not awake
I'm as dead as I was hours ago

it's a nightmare
night after night
a struggle
to keep up

I can't keep up with
the dreams, the dizziness, 
the spasms,
the pain.

specially the pain.
I sleep.

I don't rest.

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a little bit of truth

I just

I just wish I could wake up
every morning
not wanting to go back to sleep

I just wish I didn't spin in circles
and fall back down
feeling dizzy

I don't want to waste my time
sitting, wishing
I want to mean something
I want to mean something to myself


more
than
anyone
else

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5/18/13

 

adults

do they know about the things we hide?
do they know about how embarrassed we are?
do they care?
do they even see through us?

we question their will to live
when we wonder why the hell
we are leading the life we live
and just... stare

do they see what's wrong?
how can they know?
there are so many questions
I can't answer anymore

and we hope
we don't run into walls
and we don't turn to be them
to be like stone

newspapers and coffee
and morning buses 
packed up with
iphones and stress

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5/17/13

 

sink

words slip through my tounge
like water droplets
and they are just so
so
out of place


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I wish that I was bulletproof


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5/12/13

 

keep your hopes up, little social butterfly

I can do whatever
to keep you out
of the conversations
with my mom

it's not that
I don't think it's true
it's just that I hate
feeling blue

never never never never
sure of anything
I'm wishing, hoping, praying
for the right moment

but when is it time?
is there a time?
or am I wasting
all the time away?

many say it's true
but through life you learn
not to trust
or hold on to

I'm selfish; insecure
incapable and static
and I'm running out of reasons
to keep time running

I can't
ever ever ever ever 
trust the instinct till I
stop wasting all my time on us (you)

but is there a time?
a place?
stop creating spells
you can't bare to cast

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5/6/13

 

each world

When I looked at him, I couldn't help but wonder who I was. Who I am and who I am constructing with every passing moment, every mistake. You can't just "define" a person. Nor summarise it. And so there he was, an undefined person. A city with so many roads. A circle with infinite dots. An ocean. Each being is complied by so many things that you never get to know one person entirely, not even yourself. There is not only one action you're entitled to do. The mind is truly unpredictable. And how wonderful can it be, that each being is made out of other beings? I was a part of him just as much as he was a part of me. We all have things in common, be it the slightliest of them all. We are complex, but we can understand one another. And when I looked at him, I knew, and he knew. He knew me. I was, just for a moment, in his shoes. I saw this complex map he lived on. I walked along his roads. But still, things would slip away. The uncertainty about what that meant to me, what he meant to me, it made me wonder if I was as simple as I was supposed to be. And in that look, I saw more than just him: I saw the world.

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5/3/13

 

roads

I've been traveling on public transport
on my own for such a long time
I forgot it's public
not private

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5/2/13

 

looking

how many pairs of eyes do we catch
observing us during the ride?
it's scary to me how many people
find me a curious living

how many pairs of eyes do we catch
watching us during the journey?
I turn but everyone looks away,
like if life was constantly looking away from us

I wonder about this
curiosity
this little cheeky
stalking

on the lonely trains

I wonder what goes around in their heads
are they thinking about me?
are they thinking about me as I am
thinking about them?

it's not senseless,
it's just that
I find so many eyes around
but I swear none of them

seems to finally look
just for the sake of
wasting time
staring until the ride is over

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