another day another thoughtless thought

yes, I keep changing my mind as events unravel and I am loving every minute of it!

my veredict is

this was a bad idea. I get it now, I am happy it happened. thank you

faith

of course this is too much of a long shot

and I sort of admire myself for trying —

the thought of hearing your voice again,

seeing you smile,

is way more than anything I could ever wish for.

I am doing this for me,

not for them,

not for you:

it's too much of a strech,

too difficult to make it happen,

but there is somethig in me telling me

to keep the faith.

a person meets their super person

so once I broke free from myself

I emerged into this forsaken world,

desperately trying to find a hand to hold,

my own hand,

but its rivets and the convoluted pieces of time

have torn apart a memory of who I once was.

I am not getting that back,

but I wish I could go back and tell her

we did it! we made it through!

maybe her absence wouldn't be so noticeable then,

I could unshackle the remnants of the dream

I built in my sleep.

so here's how the godliness went:

there was a day in the week where I couldn't stop thinking about my ex-friend, a friend who'd been my friend when I didn't have any other friends. she was my friend until one day she decided she no longer trusted me. she didn't want to tell me she was a lesbian (when I had come out as bisexual like three years prior?), and that she had an online girlfriend. I don't forget that because I don't want to forget how betrayed I felt. still I made an effort to pull through, but 5 years after that everything fell apart. I pushed endlessly for five years, but with no use. I had been inside my head for a couple of days and writing about her. I couldn't stop thinking about her, hoping she was doing alright.

so I texted her on thursday night, not sure if her number was still right. she replied almost instantly, but without much soul. we exchanged a couple of messages for about an hour and then, boom, she went quiet and never replied again. she'd done the same thing about three years back when I texted her for her birthday. it hurt tremendously, as if I had been ghosted by a fuckboy. she wasn't a fuckboy, she was one of my best friends, she was a person I knew and cared about. she never judged me, why would I judge her? I don't know. 

I've been looking at our facebook chats and I see we were great friends. I told her I loved her constantly. I reassured her how much I cared and she did the same. I've been trying to find where I went wrong and I think I know, I think she wore me out. it's fine, we were super young, I don't blame anyone.

seems unrelated, but that same night my friends came over for dinner and one of them mentioned you. they said your girlfriend had referred to you as her boyfriend in public. I was pissed, pissed as if it was personal. everyone there ignored how pissed I was and I had a shit night as a consequence. 

but that made sense. the whole thing - the ex friend and the boyfriend thing. people have changed, so have I. and I can try and push it, bring them back to me, but it was never meant to be. I could let my frustration consume all the fire within me or I could make peace with the fact that I've outgrown myself after healing, and I can't go back to that.

so now I guess when I say I've asked for them to put you in my way it was very simple: a few words to show me we would never cross.

superconscious

I have asked God
to put you in my path again
so I can heal.
I hope they listen.

3rd planet

Well the universe is shaped exactly like the earth
If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were