there was a day in the week where I couldn't stop thinking about my ex-friend, a friend who'd been my friend when I didn't have any other friends. she was my friend until one day she decided she no longer trusted me. she didn't want to tell me she was a lesbian (when I had come out as bisexual like three years prior?), and that she had an online girlfriend. I don't forget that because I don't want to forget how betrayed I felt. still I made an effort to pull through, but 5 years after that everything fell apart. I pushed endlessly for five years, but with no use. I had been inside my head for a couple of days and writing about her. I couldn't stop thinking about her, hoping she was doing alright.
so I texted her on thursday night, not sure if her number was still right. she replied almost instantly, but without much soul. we exchanged a couple of messages for about an hour and then, boom, she went quiet and never replied again. she'd done the same thing about three years back when I texted her for her birthday. it hurt tremendously, as if I had been ghosted by a fuckboy. she wasn't a fuckboy, she was one of my best friends, she was a person I knew and cared about. she never judged me, why would I judge her? I don't know.
I've been looking at our facebook chats and I see we were great friends. I told her I loved her constantly. I reassured her how much I cared and she did the same. I've been trying to find where I went wrong and I think I know, I think she wore me out. it's fine, we were super young, I don't blame anyone.
seems unrelated, but that same night my friends came over for dinner and one of them mentioned you. they said your girlfriend had referred to you as her boyfriend in public. I was pissed, pissed as if it was personal. everyone there ignored how pissed I was and I had a shit night as a consequence.
but that made sense. the whole thing - the ex friend and the boyfriend thing. people have changed, so have I. and I can try and push it, bring them back to me, but it was never meant to be. I could let my frustration consume all the fire within me or I could make peace with the fact that I've outgrown myself after healing, and I can't go back to that.
so now I guess when I say I've asked for them to put you in my way it was very simple: a few words to show me we would never cross.