stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"




I've tasted you on my lips
and I can't get rid of you
so I say damn
your kiss and
the awful things you do

you're worse than nicotine




not even with delicacy

I love you
I talked about you all day
and even pretending to hate you

I love you so much
it will tear me apart
only because I know that
you simply don't want me

and my narcissistic self
still feels the sting
of not having you
wanting me

(it's just so unfair
you see?
I wish I could stop
I swear I wish I could.)

you're behind my walls
the walls of my room and 
the walls of my mind
freely bouncing around

I wish I could talk about you
and not want to disappear
I wish I could talk to you
without wanting to keep you near

it's sickening
how you make me feel
I used to be a normal person
now look at me

just take a look
what can you see?
there's nothing but a broken desire 
and pale hands

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sends it back to a friday

I will forever regret
and paper
and marks on paper

and not finding a good reason to lie
or a wat to shake out the way
you made me feel

and the smirk is permanent
on my mind
it's sending cold shivers
down my spine

all for a good cause
no force no crime
ever committed
but I can't think of one reason

to think what I did was fine

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not the sun

be my serene
tell me you know what I mean
you've set on me but you're not the sun
you're not the sun
    (burn it down)
outside your cold lips again
     (come around)
you've set on me but you're not the sun

you're not the sun

just pretend that you love me

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I have the eternal suspicion
that what I did was okay
but that sudden warmth was
what made me stop

and think
about what the
actual f-
was going on

and it was so nice and
I was shaking
it was just a second

it kept me thinking
that rush
for two hours and a half
on the bus ride

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seventy-three metres

I can still hear his voice
it's like everytime I turn around it's the same
and the cold floor just shining

I can still smell him in
on the buses he's not even on

am I crazy
am I sleep depravated
I just
really need


to come to an end

I can't cope with you
being around
so much
when still there's like
seventy three meters
of self-imposed distance

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only at seven

I'm digging my nails into my skin
leaving crescent moon scars
I can't
at all

it's so not alarming

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I hate
the way
you know
I don't sleep

and yet
the only thing you do
is diagnose me with

and instead of asking
you just say
'you should sleep'

I hate the way
you read my tweets
point out my gramatical

but never
ask me what's wrong

it's only time
it will only take a few days
till you find this
and say

'are you okay?'

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is this pain between the shoulderblades supposed to be defeat?

I wish I was strong
strong enough to build walls
with my own bloody sweaty hands
brick after brick scar after scar

I wish I was strong
strong enough to punch through the walls
or maybe split a table in half
and hold up the weight of an elephant

I wish I was strong, I said
I wish I was something I'm not
I certainly say I am strong
truth is my core is immensely weak

weak like the sunlight on the face of the Arctic (and cold as the Arctic too)
weak like a feather o maybe
just weak as veins
cut me open and I'll bleed out

I wish I was strong enough
to hold myself in one piece
to hold my tears infront of strangers
to accept defeat

I tell myself 'I know'
'I know I'm not strong'
'I know I'm a complete failure and everything I do is wrong'
the voice inside my head mumbles, 'no, you're not'

if I wasn't strong enough
I wouldn't be here
living through the pain between my shoulderblades
swallowing the tight knot around my neck

if I wasn't strong enough I wouldn't have dreams
I wouldn't believe
I couldn't believe

if I was
something I am not
maybe I'd be gone
I prefer not to know

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strobe light

something in the way
you move around me
or the way your affection climbs on me
seemingly unwantedly

it was fine at first
maybe it was part of the
'getting to know each other better'
   well I can't deny I didn't want you to

but times changed
and now I just can't simply feel the same
about how you think love is weird
and yet how you react to me is completely opposite

I've got theories you see
I find things while you're asleep
I'm not a spy
but I certainly can see things no one else can

or maybe no one suspects
given by recent facts maybe I'm not watching the whole picture
should I dare to ask?

what is it?
how did you tie this knot around me?
I am too afraid of saying things I should not say
I'm worried about effects

mostly on you
under the strobe light you just watched me too much
I wondered if you are happy
   (if I make you happy)

what is it
I don't know
I don't dare ask
I just don't know how

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winds may change

I tried to pick myself up. I swear I tried every day. But just like my string theory proposes, I was tied to my brother, and he was under the ground. I was tied to the ground, and my center of gravity didn't seem to work when I tried to stand up for myself.

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string theory II

have I ever told you about
the strings theory?
I think I made it up
I'm not sure
too much time on the train platform

too much time and too many buses
made me realise about one and only thing
we are connected

by strings
some of them stronger than others
some of them unknown 
some weary
and always, always breakable

and these strings knit up
not a coat
but maybe a soul
which resides not in us

but in everything we are
and by everything I mean everyone
strings are made of people who are made of people

you are as much as me as I am of you
we are the same
some threads vary
but look at how many strings we share

and maybe tightening the knots takes time
I know
I really want you to think about it

think about people
think about love, hate, fear
think about it all and see how absurds life seems to be
when we are all the same things
simple strings
then why are we lovers and enemies?

well, I haven't yet discovered
help me find out

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the one and only: knees

this is my only consent
this is and will be
the only reason I will awake

every morning 
to find me
starving of your

classrooms and hallways
don't really mean much
and won't mean much when you're gone

if only
if only I wasn't such a proud
little jerk
I could be better at who I am
fuck, I didn't think I'd miss you this much.

I sat at the edge of the stairs
the absent silence
of your hands and maybe also your knees
or your hand on my knee

the glimpse of a touch
just makes my heart
over and over like a wrecked piece of material

where are you now?

why am I in love?
how stupid
how stupid

I shouldn't be like this
I should be someone I'm proud of
(but I can't help it
I'm proud of us)

I'm in your dreams
your handwriting
I'll be there
just hang on
let me hang on
to the memory of
the fading 

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it's about time

I love you
you're cute
and I like your smile
and I love it when I make you smile
you're like contagious
I always need more of you to be okay
I don't know how to say this
but I contemplate your stupidly perfect face
and then I just suddenly see your eyes watching me
and it makes me love you a little bit more
and I took so many pictures of you
oh jesus I have so many pictures of you
and many memories
and I just love that you
are going through the same
things as me
I love the fact that you like me as I am
even if I'm still far away
my fingertips
get closer
get closer
I love you and I'm sorry
I've muttered I hate yous your way
five hundred times
truth be told
I'm deeply in love with you
and I want to smash my head against a wall
because it hurts to be
like this
and knowing you've hurt me before
but I love you I love you I love you
I haven't been in love for such
a long
and this is so long and stupid and it's late
but I just hope you can get to trust (love) me
as much
as I do
(or want to do)

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string theory

"its useless!" he screamed, in a sudden violent rage that made me snap out of whatever I was thinking. the sudden halt in his sanity worried me. "it's useless!" he screamed again, getting on his feet, worrying to kick the duvet at his feet over and over again. "all of this, it's fucking useless! there's no point, absolutely no point in running from your demons because you are tied, like really fucking tied to them, and avoiding them will not get you anywhere. stop it with the useless effort to hide yourself from everything, when it's right behind the door! do you hear me? your efforts are always fucking useless!"

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