"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"
a few days ago my mom called me from the hospital saying she was in enormous pain. she thought she had a kidney stone trapped somewhere. i rushed to see her when she was getting a cat scan. she started crying from the pain and threw up. i went crazy. i wanted a doctor immediately.
while we waited for her to be analyzed and she lied on the gurney i asked her why she felt the way she did. i asked her if she didn't feel like it was something else: something broader than a kidney stone. so we did our google search and came across a very shady article on bio-decodification. said that the kidneys represented fear. i asked if she was afraid of death.
she said well, i had cancer, didn't i?
then the article said it represented family arguments. i asked her if she felt it was true.
she bursted into tears. i can't stand you and my husband arguing anymore. it's tearing me apart. she cried. mom never, never cries. i cried with her. she said she was thinking about divorce. because of me. i felt terrible, i felt responsible. i'm a grown up, i can't be the cause of somebody else's divorce. it's you before anyone, you know that, she said. i agreed and apologized.
at some point it mentioned that the right side represents the death of a family member. probably the father.
she said, today's the 21st anniversary of my father's death. my granddad died when i was 15 days old. i never got to meet him, but he got to meet me. i carry a lot of him: i like to know a lot about buses. i always wondered where that came from. i'm also good at lying, cheating, and doing what's lawfully right. i also zip my jackets all the way up to the top.
or at least that's what mom says.
i cried a lot more than she did. i told her i felt terrible. she told me she felt like a terrible mother. she said she felt like she had failed because she didn't want me to suffer.
three weeks before i told her i was inexplicably scared of dying.
she said, that sounds like an anxiety disorder.
it made me wonder.
this time i told her:
sometimes i feel like i am uncomfortable. but not like i don't belong- more like, i shouldn't even be here. it washes over me. it comes to me at strange times. happens more often with family than friends. sometimes i don't feel like i belong and i crawl out of my skin. i feel disembodied. as if i was at the incorrect place, at the incorrect time. i'm sorry. i never mentioned this to anybody. this has been happening all my life. i just simply call it the 'awkwardness'. never thought anybody else could feel it.
she said, that sounds like disassociation.
i wondered if it were true.
turns out she just had a small blood clot in her kidney from an old bruise. we went back home by midnight and ate sushi.
every time i feel like i could be a creature of habit
someone or something kicks me in the gut
and leaves me breathless.
the night has fallen upon us but this time
it's my take to make it count.
and even if in a poorly-lit room
i found myself in strangers,
even if your voices are out of tune
i can hear myself breathing in the background.
people ask but all i can really say is-
this time i am moving with the patterns of the waves,
the tides that never follow me,
and whoever chooses to come along should be ready
because i won't be staying much longer in the sand
where my feet hold me down and i begin to drown
he said i'm the only one left
i wondered if he meant it and it he really wanted it but
there he was, i have no idea
how it all amounted to us hushing and shushing all over again
and i had a dream of you standing there
just like i had seen you before
i get paranoid but it happens often
i know it when i see you
and that look
that creeps the fuck out of me
the dark, cold look, prevailing in a motionless figure that lives in your body
like a hologram, you are
nothing but a remaining bitter taste in the consciousness
of whomever i wanted to be before
i panicked in diagonal streets
then i panicked in the crowds
and now is the enemy sleeping in my bed or
is it just the demons you forgot to take home?
i'm sorry about the long long voicemail, it was unintentional
maybe last week i could have said i was drunk but who am i kidding? i wasn't
the dirt was stuck on my boots
and then the hail drilled over my head
half of this city's trees are now naked and wet
and what's this roaring sensation?
maybe i'm excited for the outcome?
well i told my mom about it, i said (and i wasn't lying)
i can't sit on the floor, is wet and cold
tried to run to the train station but it was muddy and i couldn't see far ahead
were where you to hold my hand?
oh wait, you never were.