stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"



haunted dreams

his father was a big man
and he invited me over for lunch
because he said he
wanted to meet his son's friends
and all the time I just kept staring at the man's hands
and at his frightened face
full of alarm
waiting for his father to say something out of place
and we ate in silence
while his siblings asked questions
I've never been much of interest
but they just kept trying to get me in
it was the hardest meal
I've ever been in
but as soon as I offered myself
to wash the dishes
his father's big hands 
stopped me and 
told us to go outside
with the blink of one eye
and as his siblings ran away from our meeting place
we were left alone
just like I feared

we didn't use to talk much
just necessary words of random information
small talk to survive through
until one day
I set my eye
and made the worst mistake
because he kissed me on our way back home
and couldn't pretend I was in love
poor soul, he said
'I thought you were looking for more.'
and then he added
his father had invited me for lunch
that saturday
but I couldn't say no 
to a broken heart

I wanted to go out
but he pulled me by the hand
and took me upstairs
closed the door
locked it
and hid the key
in the back pocket of his jeans
then he grabbed me by the waist and said,
'I'll make you believe
or I'll make you fall
it doesn't matter how much I lose in between'
and I let myself go
because there was nothing
left to do
on the verge of tears
I found that 
I had actually looked for that
for a while now
but then while we lay 
down to rest
under the sneaking rays of light
I took out the key
and freed myself
without a single kiss
because I was too scared 
to tell the truth

in that spring corner
I then stood
watching cars go by on my way back home
and I cried 
I was looking for a friend
but ended up
messing up
with love

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it still hurts

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two weeks

after this short time
when I start missing
memories slip away

and suddenly I don't remember the streets
I don't remember what I saw
it's like a part of me
has been taken away

and thrown into the river Thames

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escape route

drive as fast as I can
I know no one's gonna find me
but hiding will keep me
from finding myself

been wondering for months
what happened behind my back
while I teared down the walls
of my own heart

and in the mob
I always stand behind you
doesn't matter how much I try
between us there's no contact

drive as fast as I can
so I don't find me looking back
stepping on what I thought
was future

smoke fills my lungs
I told my dad I wasn't going to do it
but who would have known
I was such a good liar

let's pretend we never met
it's better that way
let's pretend we are better off away

if my heart pulls me back,
bring me down, bring me down
don't let me smash my head
against the walls

all I see is broken glass
I'm not there
believe me
(I never was)

drive as fast as I can
I know no one's gonna find me
but hiding will keep me
from finding myself

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Damon Albarn

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oh darling
you still keep your rope tight around my neck

and I pull

while you watch me on the safe side

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and pictures
and pictures on the pavement
or is it just a reflection?

I don't know
I just lay here
and the cieling is just so far
the sky is so far from the ground

and I wonder if maybe the tiles tell a story
I wonder if I'm going crazy
I just wonder
and sleep on the floor

I wrap myself in empty nightmares
I'm still on the floor
surrounded by
dead souls and mourning mornings

and I just wonder if maybe this is wrong
if I am wrong
of I'm going crazy

but there's no difference
between the tiles the walls the trolleys
the pavement the pictures and the pictures on the pavement

from the floor it all looks the same to me

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St Paul's Cathedral, London, United Kingdom



are we connected?

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I've tried on
these eyes
on you
and now I can't take them off

so weird
so guilty

I try to hard to

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it will bring us together
or apart
but for sure this the part of me
you will never understand


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