haunted dreams

his father was a big man
and he invited me over for lunch
because he said he
wanted to meet his son's friends
and all the time I just kept staring at the man's hands
and at his frightened face
full of alarm
waiting for his father to say something out of place
and we ate in silence
while his siblings asked questions
I've never been much of interest
but they just kept trying to get me in
it was the hardest meal
I've ever been in
but as soon as I offered myself
to wash the dishes
his father's big hands 
stopped me and 
told us to go outside
with the blink of one eye
and as his siblings ran away from our meeting place
we were left alone
just like I feared

we didn't use to talk much
just necessary words of random information
small talk to survive through
until one day
I set my eye
and made the worst mistake
because he kissed me on our way back home
and couldn't pretend I was in love
poor soul, he said
'I thought you were looking for more.'
and then he added
his father had invited me for lunch
that saturday
but I couldn't say no 
to a broken heart

I wanted to go out
but he pulled me by the hand
and took me upstairs
closed the door
locked it
and hid the key
in the back pocket of his jeans
then he grabbed me by the waist and said,
'I'll make you believe
or I'll make you fall
it doesn't matter how much I lose in between'
and I let myself go
because there was nothing
left to do
on the verge of tears
I found that 
I had actually looked for that
for a while now
but then while we lay 
down to rest
under the sneaking rays of light
I took out the key
and freed myself
without a single kiss
because I was too scared 
to tell the truth

in that spring corner
I then stood
watching cars go by on my way back home
and I cried 
I was looking for a friend
but ended up
messing up
with love