stranger's disease

"i wish i believed you when you said that this was my home"



afterlife drabbles #2

never be okay with anyone or anything if you are not okay with yourself first. learn that the person that must be the most important to you is yourself: dedicate time to realise about how you feel or how you wish you felt. draw up plans to achieve whatever you have in mind and just remember that you can do it, but just don't do it for somebody else. having a limit, a deadline of some sort will just block your mind. remind yourself that your only spectator has to be yourself if you wish it to be that way, the only reader, the only listener. do things you'd want to do. say things you'd want to hear. be the person you wish you'd met. because maybe that person exists, it's you

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it just takes time
and some other times
it takes patience
and work
but it always takes
its god

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so this is the end
of you and me
we had a good run
now I'm setting you free
to do as you want
to do as you please
without me

remember when
you were my boat
and I was your sea
together we'd float
so delicately

but that
was back
when we could talk

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now this is off my chest
and pulling you off never felt so good
left behing your perfect grin
and heavenly blue eyes

and I'm totally okay with that
I'm not going
to let you
control my life

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there's a hole in my chest

there's a hole in my chest!
and you can't see it
because life in its metaphorical sense
  is inert

       (and so am I)

there's a hole in my chest
like you burnt me through
all the way down to my soul

 my throat tightens

I need to s c r e a m these words
but the hole in my chest took out my l u n g s
I hope you hear me,
I hope you can see me

     falling through

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hold me down

and from below the corner of my eye
I see the life I once loved
and the person I once knew
but it's just not us

the water's running wild
and I can't stop moving forward

there's no such thing as
there's no such thing as

on purpose

there's this glitter in your eyelids
and mouths taste sour
forgetting is betting
wounds won't heal by the hour

from the corner of my eye
you're slipping away
grabbing me from my chest
and pulling down


but not for long

I'm not your stray dog no more

I wasted all this time
all my future
half a year
precious time
for someone
who doesn't care
and for someone
who doesn't understand

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it's fine

I wake up every morning
at 6:15 
and I undergo the same awful journey
even if I try to look for
something nice and inspiring in my way
there's nothing
just the same dullness

and then I reach school
and I see the same faces
I wonder if they also have black rings under their eyes
I can't tell by myself
I don't even look at them

like in a slow motion film
eight hours go by
as I try not to lose my head
talking about the things that keep me alive
with my friends

(or at least that's why they pretend to be)

only by then I wonder why
the headache is piercing my sanity
as the horns and buses slash my brains
slapping my mind loudly out of its carcass

and in that awful journey back home 
I forget about everything that happened
I wonder if that person walking back home is the real me

I don't even want to go back home because home means
pushing yourself a little bit more over the edge

and when I get there
I sink myself into a chair
and become a subject of understanding
who only finds aid on the Internet

I clean myself, pretend it's allright
'try to relax'
I tell my mum I did well in History class

but what if I've been an idiot all this time?
what if everything I've ever excelled at just didn't matter
and I was the actual stupidhead this time?

and when I put my head to bed at night
and cry myself to sleep
begging for mercy
I see it's 11:56 pm
and that I've wasted
just another day

how can this be okay?

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