I have to admit I have all of this for you
which has nested and rested inside me for so long, I would say
a decade of love in me now pokes out my rib
and it hurts, constantly. I'm in pain, in a pain that you can't see,
doesn't make me wince, it only makes me want to go to bed
and sleep; it makes me think about the end of the world and the world
that is next, what about dying? yeah this protruding love, it makes me
think about dying; about the second you're here and then the second you are not,
which is unavoidable, I know, but how will it come? will I be alone? yeah,
we're alone when we die, I'm not scared of facing it on my own, but
I am scared that I may no longer love you and not know. that's the greatest
of all the fears. I look at you and that which has been fermenting inside of me
reacts. It draws you in. It pulls in closer for a kiss. but what about what's detaching from me?
how do I know not to follow? how do I know she's not my gut telling me run?
because it makes no sense, let me tell you. it makes absolutely no sense, that someone
so scared, like me, would suddenly chose to leave. I would not do that. but what if I
had to? right? would you be okay with me suddenly running away? I doubt it. I don't think
you love me in a way that would enable me to escape and come back. nobody does. I wouldn't,
either. then I wonder: have you ever been scared of not knowing where the end is? does
it keep you up at night? does it make you curl up in a ball, on the linoleum floor
in the office kitchen, and cry so desperately you don't think you can get out of there for
at least an hour? does it? did you ever doubt your love for me, or has it always been
this solid, this forgiving, this nurturing? why me? why is it only me? is my love
rotting? is it becoming stagnant? how do you get yours to move and flow, tell me,
how do you make it breathe? I need to breathe. I don't think I've breathed in a week.
all of this is for you and it is for me, too. but just need, I just need time
to figure it out. once it stops hurting. I hope it does.