week #1

there was a hole in me that was there long enough for me not to see it. it was the abstinence of self love given up for the promise of company. it was a hole that i filled with things unsaid and pretty much ingrained in my brain that i couldn't be happy without somebody else.
but it's been a week of weakness and crying myself to sleep over thoughts that back home seemed hopeful. i cried for the death of what i always wanted but at the same time never had. i cried for how i should have done things differently. i cried because i didn't know how to act. but it was just one time and then i was free again. 
the sea looked at me and my throat clogged up. the sea was watching my every move and corroded the palms of my hands in five minutes. it was a cold embrace to be honest but it was for the best. it reminded me that loneliness is my worst enemy but solitude doesn't have to be. i can be alone at times and take care of myself. this is what i need.
i hope they don't call, i hope no one texts. i hope no one reminds themselves of me again. i hope fall comes with things to share but i'm not waiting for the world to unravel infront of my eyes. i've acquired a taste for disappointment which will, in the long run, keep me alive.