saturday night plans

I'm gonna bail out on something I had to do on Saturday just so that I can work on my novel, eat sardines with tomato on toast, and drink beer. I'll be alone at home listening to some 1950s bossa nova and it's gonna be a BLAST. I can't wait. It really is something to look forward to.

yet very amusing

lately a day alone sounds like a blessing.

i've been crossing off appointments,

emptying my calendar.

maybe it was too much of a stretch

when I said I wanted to "keep my friends";

I didn't want me at all,

maybe,

they weren't wrong not to want me,

I mean my calendar's too full,

a lot of meetings,

a job nobody understands —

I might just hover above them, for all I care:

why show up anymore, right?

I feel welcome at home,

I really want to be laying on my couch,

writing,

drinking vermouth with indian tonic

and eating olives

while I listen to the same miles davis album on repeat.

see miles davis will not break my heart,

they will.

a difficult thing to think about

yet very amusing.

things to do if you wanna look more put together when you already are a person who is very put together

say you want to push forward the boundaries. become unreachable, unbreachable. maybe that's unattainable for some but it's something I'd strive for, if it wasn't because there's so much fucking rain in this city and it kills my merits. anyway, here's a list:

• write down all the birthdays of the people you care in your agenda or your calendar. if you can, have a separate gCal or iCal called "birthdays" and put them all there. don't rely on social media to let you know when their birthday is coming up.
• don't be on your phone when you're on one-on-one with your closest. resist the urge, even if you get bored. getting bored around the people you love helps to forge the relationships and the patience.
• on the topic of social media: choose to avoid the "close friends" or "close circles" entrapments. whatever you post should be adequate enough for all audiences. you can't rely on nobody leaking data. be careful about what you post, what you say, and about whom.
• try not to speak ill of others at work. even if you want to, don't. it's very difficult, I know.
• have a basic pouch with the following items at all times with you:
• thread and needle
• deodorant
• small perfume
• paracetamol
• toothbrush and paste
• band aids (a lot)
• a mirror
• a comb

to this list you can add more things depending on your weather/location (e.g., mosquito repellent, SPF, lip balm, make up, eye drops) but the basics are a requirement. you'll be surprised at how many times someone needs this, and you will be the one person to be ready. and you'll also always look and feel fresher.

• breathe through your nose. avoid mouth-breathing, if that's available to you. nose-breathing makes you feel better, makes your breath nicer, and also helps you fight illnesses.
• choose and keep signature jewellery.
• make gifts periodically. invite your friends out for dinner, pay for your colleague's coffee, remember someone's favorite soda when you're picking up their lunch. be mindful of inviting people.
• if someone is speaking and gets interrupted, make a note of what they were saying. try to politely go back to their point so they can finish it.
• don't tell everyone who your crushes are. even famous people. crushes are for personal daydreaming and night-time entertainment.
• brush up your spelling, grammar - read your emails before pressing send. avoid typos.
• if your audio message is longer than a minute and you haven't said anything, cancel it, think about what you want to say, and then record it.
• schedule less things per week.
• smoke only when you are alone.
• be contempt with the realistic version of what you can achieve.

the uncontainable

what if I wrote a love poem to you

and then pretended I didn't, for many years

until suddenly one day I decided

to burst it all out,

break the seams unknowingly;

after being unable to contain the wind

it suddenly escapes my entrails

and I'm born out in the open,

naked and wet,

screaming I have always loved you,

and I always will,

while your car drives away fast on the freeway

with your family and your wife

your kids, your dreams:

I'll be alone in this sentiment forever,

no void will be able to get it through.

coffee

I hope the morning after my death

we wake up and kiss,

you hug my hips and ask if I want some coffee,

then look out the window and see it has been raining.

In death I'd wish to see you every day:

this love, for the rest of our eternity,

is something to be enjoyed past this lifetime.

the days the balcony swayed

death is right around the corner,

a bad hip, a bad heart,

no longer trips to the supermarket

counting down the steps towards the void.

is she scared?

what does she think about dying,

about it being so obvious that you will be gone soon

what will she do?

will she get rid of her clothes,

earrings, jewelry,

will she stare out the window with more intensity?

will she notice she way her clothes smell,

enjoy ironing, turning on the fan,

will she call me and tell me it'll be alright?

will she bask in the sun,

since light rays can't hurt her any further,

does she have one last wish?

is she at peace?

is she at peace?

family drama

family issues are so weird because i never wanted to tell my friends. i see that now that i'm older. my step brother is being incredibly aggressive towards my mom and step dad and the only one who knows is my boyfriend. in the past when i was single, no one would know. and i tend to hide it, as someone who never hides anything, i hide what my dad did to me and now what my step brothers are up to. seems like talking about family is always the wrong choice to make.