pdf alert!!!
unavoidable
she asked the most obvious question,
"will he break my heart?"
with a heavy conscience i had to be honest,
"of course he will.
he'll break your heart a millon times.
that scares us.
he'll break it, and also will the next guy.
after a few inches of snow the heart begins to grow fonder of the body it is in.
and after a few years it's plain simple that no one
not even him,
will break your heart."
"and how do i do this?"
"it's not easy,
no it's not.
you gather yourself together
and you suffer.
you lie awake at night thinking about him
(believing he is sleeping like a baby)
and pretend you don't have feelings.
you fake it till you make it,
then it's all a question of practice.
or maybe you're lucky and you don't care
about small modern things
like read reciepts or last seens
or maybe cryptic facebook statuses
but those are strong people and hard to find.
we are not strong
and we are not good.
sometimes heartbreak has got nothing to do with the evil within.
it goes beyond it."
royalty asset
reasons i can't leave you
this year
in the coldest of places.
i fell asleep drinking wine and i woke up with bleeding lips.
make a game out of myself, that is.
it's what i've been trying to do when i feel erased.
from phonebooks, e-mail lists,
when i can't show up to parties because i'm too lonely.
this year is a scar that won't leave.
this year has broken me in ways i can't repair.
this year,
it's been hell.
sweetest of them,
your scent still lingers on
no sweat,
no heat
no beat
no love
ocean within
part iii: fall out
3 am again
seven storeys
the thrill of the chase
all the way to downtown manhattan
then wash me clean under the covers.
control the only part of your life you have left;
give into power for one secret left unsaid
unravel the mysteries of being no one for a day.
post-it notes make up for break ups
and then they're lost in the wind.
try to make a phone call and fail,
try to change and never let me win.
more than twice the clock has sung,
even more times the streets have cracked
the bus and its flat tire
blister me up and i can't be tired
i could never wake up to nothing,
i admit i can be cynical in your worst nightmares
but there's only a facade of pills and blankets
only to mask up what was lost in central park's snow.
we've not been the same and that won't derail us,
i hope you don't stay and sulk.
i've heard your singing voice and shaky knees say my name
and even then i never felt more alone.
follow me down to the river where no one will know us
and then we'll sleep in the subway seats.
follow me down to wherever i like,
but never, never let me in.
here i begin
for me, it's nothing but that.
it looks as if now i have a starting point,
the blossoming of the blood that has been saving itself up.
i trusted my gut this long,
it has kept me alive,
no doubt.
now it says it's time
to bleed out
spill it out,
all out
all out
to breathe and play the next goddamned round
a mind-game created by yours truly
here i am;
here i begin.
the
stranger's disease iii
date 2
the art of keeping up silences
okay alright there's no need to be poetic. i'm not poetic and the whole thing is just plain fucking absurd. it's like i'm living in a constant white noise and it's repeating your name, your name in the darkness and in dreams. it relives the past that i can't forget and maybe you believe that it wasn't such a big deal. like seriously how can't anything be but a serious fucking deal? really? i admire the capacity you have of keeping me thinking and keeping up the art of appearances when i think i might just be the most t r a n s p a r e n t human in the city. and it makes me strong, you know. i'm not afraid of who i am, i'm only afraid of who you think i am. really. where are you? where are you?
weekly messages / stranger's disease II
settle down
karma keeps on rolling
weekend report
surface/not poetic
leaving and breathing
post op
manipulation
demand
you know me,
you know my intensity.
i can be brave
but i break easily.
don't ask questions for answers' you'll evade.
i'll never aim to please.
i aim to ease.
then don't expect me to be kind,
don't expect my empathy,
don't expect me to stay calm.
if there's a raging pressure against my chest every night,
and the lid came off when you reached out,
would you be surprised?
it's not charming,
i know.
it's not sweet.
but i'm not sweet and i'm not bitter
i'm just blood between teeth.
but right now everything itches
how a set of right words could send me spinning
reconnecting
plans!
pre drunken mumbles, part 2 (no curtains)
pre drunken mumbles, part 1
tie
homesick
be careful
as careful with the unknown
as you are with what you own.
there's nothing more terrible
than not owning up to our words;
as if the world wasn't built on promises
on word over word over
and time and again there's
someone who crashes the treasures you've built
and they know nothing
oh they know absolutely nothing about me
whatsapp transcript, 21:23
talk
weeks
the coldest hands
how on earth are you going to keep me warm?"
i wonder if there's any truth to it.
if there's anyone who could actually
just hold me together
for long enough to rinse away the shivering touch.
the cold has its own evil side,
i can't feel anything beneath my palms,
you resist my touch
(don't worry, i would too)
i can burn myself and still feel nothing
wait.
is it evil,
or is it a blessing?
depends on how much you want to burn yourself, i suppose.
stranger's disease
there's a close-bound reinforcement
compelled by everyone you've ever known.
the victim of the fire escape:
a cat that ran through the doors.
it fell, and as it did,
the landing was seen as something outstanding.
from the bottom we watched and i admired.
just past the ladder i climbed
so high i told you i could never get back down.
i was freezing to death and there was smoke in my chest
hell if you knew what do with me.
you're de-frozen, detached.
disembodied by the lights.
killing and fighting demons at your back.
you're rusty like vinyl,
you're heavy and deep like plunging waters.
you're clean,
you're a stranger's disease.
and there's nothing like running through the cracks,
of someone else who once knew you;
the person that you thought was the one.
there's nothing more familiar
than pulling apart the lid
that kept the ribcage together.
there's nothing,
let me tell you,
like dying away in august midnights.
to hope
at last.
there’s a lot of damage in building dreams up,
and watching them fall
as swiftly as you can say no.
there’s a lot of courage in opening up
but the bleeding will wash us over,
it’ll wash me over,
you’ll slip away…
to hope is to be strong,
i guess.
because hope hides the true face of fear.
behind the house of cards are
a million days for a million tears.
there’s silence and there’s the scent,
of someone strange but so familiar,
and in the back of my head,
it still rings,
“don’t run away.”
a break
you hear?
delays
it burns my eyelids wide open
i am nothing yet i burn
and i will bleed
for days and all the bullets shoot
right past behind me
i am scared
to death
and i should not fear death
as i have seen it with
my own two eyes,
i should not be offended by it.
instead i worry about how insignificant
connectivity can make us feel.
i feel so lost in you
when i wake to two hundred feelings
and i fall asleep to nothing.
i'll learn, eventually i will
and i'll stop the burning fires
that have caused so much damage in me
it's been raining in the desert
always cold
oops, i fell
back weekends
i wouldn't have known
i have been sleeping in apartment blocks
had the wind blown over your sadness
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy making you warm
had the sun shone in your day
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy being blinded
nature has no control
over the takeover of my soul
but there's this mirror
and your hands
and there's my hope
aesthetics
tuesday, 2:08 am
i don't know who i wrote this for
other men would have left me bleeding
answering machine 3/6/98
momentary lapses of unending bliss
update
i was beautiful
i was pretty
and desired me
but it hasn't
it hasn't stopped choking me
unanswered
that sex doesn't make me better.
that maybe men are meant to be mean.
that i won't find someone to love me forever
as fast as i think.
everyone's got their fair share of mistakes
and everyone's got their fare share of wrong doings.
i guess i've taken my stall
and i won't keep myself waiting
for someone to show up.
i guess i just want to keep up an image
or i want to prove
that i don't have to be alone.
but all of this has only weakened me.
it has made me vulnerable.
now people call me a whore.
now i think myself as a whore.
and it's not your fault,
it's not my fault either.
i just can't bring myself to meet someone
in real life.
i have to work on it.
i'll get back to you when i'm ready.
now i'll take things slowly.
or i guess i'll try.
with you i hit my head against the pavement
oh so hard.
this was the culprit
it has shown me
that i'm not supposed
to trust the blindness of space
and make my way through life
at a steady pace
because after all
i am oh so young.
falling
three weeks
only
funeral party
we're far from drowning ourselves in the pool
let's keep it simple, let's keep it clean,
i'll stay dry and you'll stay mean
i'm dropping a funeral party for the dreams i had
everyone's invited to see them crash
i should've thought it over when i had the chance
at least not there's something i can torture myself with
as each day in silence goes by
i only write about you
to make myself feel special
until the sun begins to shine
again, whatever that
has ever meant
a future concept
untitled
i miss someone. i just don't know who.
life is fleeting before my eyes
and your interests flutters and runs down
faster than i can say your name,
because i haven't
i have never s a i d y o u r n a me
how come what's not over
breaks my heart?
turtlenecks
outrageous
you wanna go slow
say yes you know
don't break me down
say yes you know
you'll keep me safe
say yes you know
you can't fight
pitch black
pitch black
say yes you know
and you won't leave me alone
another round for the boys
of my own skin
is my safest choice in this war
for no reason i'm bound to cry
i'm losing for someone's touch
i'm losing myself for demons unhatched
will i drown inside
the pains in my chest?
will i relieve the trust in this old bed?
can i afford to break apart,
when the top of my life
doesn't seem so far?
tell me cause i'm
falling
and nothing is stopping me now
time and again
i'll send you tears in the mailbox
am i making this up?
sent me at least
(at least)
a short notice
so i wouldn't have
given up
on the only one book i do love
beer
i'm so sleepy i'm so sorry
just kiss me
so i don't fall asleep
we like each other
because we can't
get
out of our minds
and not even for a second
where i fall asleep inside my own
arms and i try not to fuck up
my make up, regardless of what they say
i can only listen to myself
and it gets hard to breathe
thoughts about feelings
i am d e p r e s s ed
i'm sinking
but i think i'm just going to lay there for a couple of lifetimes
trust issues
remember when we were younger
calling out first
art meant to love
for the finest
for the weakest and the best
art"
and then he plays and nibbles around
with his fingers on black keys.
somehow this was always meant to be in my head.
am i a sensible piece of art?
am i inside the complex keys in your mind?
am i, as you fall asleep
the fleeting shadow under your eyes?
it's the never ending question.
all i know is you haven't been mine.
if i am a lover of the art
am i art meant to be loved?