hold me down

and from below the corner of my eye

I see the life I once loved

and the person I once knew

but it's just not us

anymore

the water's running wild

and I can't stop moving forward

there's no such thing as

unconventional 

lovers

there's no such thing as

mistakes

on purpose

there's this glitter in your eyelids

and mouths taste sour
forgetting is betting
wounds won't heal by the hour

from the corner of my eye
you're slipping away
grabbing me from my chest
and pulling down

down

but not for long

I'm not your stray dog no more

I wasted all this time
all my future
half a year
precious time
for someone
who doesn't care
and for someone
who doesn't understand

it's fine

I wake up every morning

at 6:15 

and I undergo the same awful journey

even if I try to look for

something nice and inspiring in my way

there's nothing

just the same dullness

and then I reach school

and I see the same faces

I wonder if they also have black rings under their eyes

I can't tell by myself

I don't even look at them

like in a slow motion film

eight hours go by

as I try not to lose my head

talking about the things that keep me alive

with my friends

(or at least that's why they pretend to be)

only by then I wonder why

the headache is piercing my sanity

as the horns and buses slash my brains

slapping my mind loudly out of its carcass

and in that awful journey back home 

I forget about everything that happened

I wonder if that person walking back home is the real me

I don't even want to go back home because home means

responsibilites

studying

pushing yourself a little bit more over the edge

and when I get there

I sink myself into a chair

and become a subject of understanding

who only finds aid on the Internet

I clean myself, pretend it's allright

'try to relax'

I tell my mum I did well in History class

but what if I've been an idiot all this time?

what if everything I've ever excelled at just didn't matter

and I was the actual stupidhead this time?

and when I put my head to bed at night

and cry myself to sleep

begging for mercy

I see it's 11:56 pm

and that I've wasted

just another day

how can this be okay?