the permafrost

it just feels that lately we're all hoping something better will happen to us. we've all put the work in, and we've been trying to believe and keep believing that this is something worth it. not just me, but everyone around me: the world seems to be so grim right now, that a small sliver of hope is something we're all striving for. I for once tried not to fall for that, because I know how disappointed I will be after things do not work out the way I want them, and today is one of those days. I am not frustrated - I am just disappointed. I do not know what will happen after today but I just honestly don't want to think about it. I care too much about it, but I just don't want to think. Thinking is my enemy. I wanted to write it here to let it go. the more it changes, or the more expectations I put on this, the worse it becomes. things just take so long to resolve. 

I want to grow, I want to be better. I am tired of showing what I am capable of. I want to feel that being good also has consequences. Doesn't seem to have any at all, but you know, it's kind of like the fool's spring: you get excited about the warmth, or the smell of the first blossoms, but it quickly brings you back to reality when you wake up and the ground has frozen again. 

root

when was the last time you were kind to the world?
think about it
think about the ties that bind you to yourself
all of the reasons to stay grounded
teeth sinking into soft sugary flesh
when was the last time? yes listen, remember,
think about the last time you were kind to the world
the last time you held a child's hand
when you heard someone laugh in the table behind you
what makes you an accomplice to the future?
your making, our secret to the divine, is that kindness
I don't know where it lies