everybody's doing this trend online where they compare themselves to who they were ten years ago. I was very young, ten years ago. I was also very stupid, but it was something to be expected at that age.
I can't help but think about myself when I was that age. when I was 25, I used to look at pictures of 2016 and reminisce how skinny and pretty I was. I did that same exercise today and I didn't feel that way - all those pictures, all those selfies, they have a heaviness to them that I don't feel now. I was extremely sad, though I wasn't sure if I knew how to put it into words. so many things happened to me in 2016, many of them terribly traumatic. I just tagged along, I just... I just didn't think. I wish my current self was there to take care of me at that age, I could've used an older friend to help me get through it. yes, I had friends my age, but they were all sort of the same as me: living in a parallel reality where all that matters is drugs, sex, and alcohol. I went out partying every weekend, sure, but I couldn't live inside my house. my room was a mess, it was uncomfortable, and badly lit. if I spent more than 24 hours at home my head would start hurting. there was something about the light, the noises, the smells, none of it sat right with me. and the people that I used to see, the people I used to hang out with, most of them are gone. I have several inches of hair growth now and a significantly better skin texture. however, I am much heavier, though muscular and strong. I don't think I could have lifted half of the weight that I lift now back then. what I noticed was that though I was smaller, I had the same shape. I just shrunk horizontally, but to be honest, in the pictures from back then, I look the same. I didn't feel the same, I know I was smaller and I remember how being smaller felt (fitting in clothes, thighs not touching...) but now I just... feel better. and I never allowed myself to be confident at this size, but I realized I am becoming confident as time passes. I can see that progress is not limited to my pant size (though it is one of the many reflections of it), but it is just part of the overall wellness. I feel better now. I would never like to go back to being the person I was ten years ago. I am glad she's gone forever and I am glad I am no longer acquainted with many of the persons I used to see. those who remain have shown to be loving, caring, beautiful people, but its (again) a testament to growth that I was able to part ways with those that aren't part of that.
if someone was to ask me if my 2016 self was proud of me now, I wouldn't know what to say. she wanted things that were unattainable. she wanted love, sure, but she also wanted to live by an aesthetic principle that no longer aligns with me. I was listening to the suburbs by arcade fire, something I loved so much back then, and now it feels intensely anachronistic. I was a victim of the era, of the trends and the comings and goings of being a teenager with a job. but that's fine, I mean, it is to be expected. I just feel that 10 years from now will be a much fairer comparison than 10 years ago. I know that my expectations of life now are transcendental and will be the consequence of things I am starting to build now. back then, my plans were short term: graduate, move out, try to make it out without getting pregnant. and I have said this many times before on this blog: I am a woman now, no longer a child. I want a house, I want good bone health, I want to marry my boyfriend (who I was already crushing on, 10 years ago, but didn't really know), maybe have kids. that's what I want now and I know those are things I can build towards and reflect on ten years from now. I like that. I like that now my life is more about me, about loving myself, and less about how others perceive me or how I appear to the world. so, I'd say, it's not a fair comparison. I will not live by that.