I read something interesting today on the internet:
You cannot live alone on the fantasies you feed to your mind, eventually you have to touch your life for real, assess and analyze your habits, understand your character, try not to hate yourself for your character as it was shaped when you were very young by circumstances outside of you, and begin learning how to cope with your character, how to build habits that work for you, finish small projects, finish big projects, expose yourself to more uncomfortable situations, assess why you want to leave that friendship before you leave it, raise your anxiety levels on purpose, so that you can grow, raise your work load on purpose, so that you can grow, so that you can build resilience, so that your life expands, and can be experienced by you in full and in reality.
the year is coming to an end and it feels like this is the shape of possibility. it's true that there's so much more inside the fantasy of my own creation that what I actually see in my own real life. and I've feel like I've been severely out of touch with it, without the breath of another person and what it means to take time to connect. I've tried, it's not that I haven't, I know the effort is there and has been made. but it's a lot harder to focus when you're not there. you're only there when you're being called out, called for, called in. called by someone else to do something or say something. the rest of the time, you're not certain you're present. it's a character-building opportunity to seize that attention and bring it back to your life.
it all boils down to the art I want to make. I used to be much more in touch with a part of me that was allowed to dream and be creative. now I live in fear that people will find out about my creativity. and now creativity is less of a scavenger hunt than it used to be. I feel like everyone listens to the same music and watches the same shows. when we didn't share so much we watched way different things. our top albums of the year weren't dictated by someone else. there was a sense of solitude in wondering about which we're constantly trying to grasp at, and failing.
so if I may try anything again in 2025 is just to be there. maybe to take some steps towards feeling less like absolute shit. I've taken a lot of steps and I do feel way better than I did two years ago, but I've come to understand it's a long term process. I can't heal as fast as I would like. it goes back to that same phrase I read this morning: I need to learn to cope with my character and how I was shaped. I need to analyze my habits and see why I'm the way I am, not who I am not. and I'll always want something different, but there's a reason I chose what I have. there has to be, somehow, happiness there. because I'm not in a position to complain: no chronic illness, no one is dying (or at least that shouldn't be), I have a good job, I have friends, a great and loving relationship. I have a strong body and a strong mind. I have all the tools and tricks to move forward and be better in my art and outside of my head.
If I try anything, it will be getting curious. I used to love reading in the mornings and I've stopped. but I found that I've been waking up earlier than I used to now that I go to the gym regularly, so maybe I can start reading in the morning again. I can try to watch more movies and less TV shows. definitely less tik tok. I hope 2025 comes with ZERO tik tok (it's impossible). man I just wish things were a little bit freakier. that's all.