why do I laugh

wow I'm such an asshole
and I am surprisingly okay with it
ha

season finale

I constantly dream
of skipping school.
take the bus
at the exact same hour
but get off somewhere else.
then I'd take the subway
let it take me
buy some cigarettes-
then maybe
go down to the river
and smoke until
ten a.m.
when the sun
has already risen.
then go back
to town
and explore
a park
or maybe just
another record store.
take pictures on my phone
then have some lunch.
maybe go stare
at the statues
of people who've done better
than me.
I would bring clothes to
disguise-
try not to cross
my parent's paths.
I could even go
to the movies
or maybe just
not get anything at all.
disappearing when
everyone wants me there
will be the grand closure
to this awful act.

yes.
this would be incredibly nice.

I saw a picture of you and laughed

I wanted to write
about the adventures we never had.
sometimes I think you are
the perfect example of both
society
and obsession.
your sister talks to me
and it hurts.
not because I miss you
but because of
who I was.
I wanted to write
about us.
guess us will never be.
I don't miss anything
because that me is
buried.
I wonder what
happened to the
you I fell for.
he's probably dead,
crushed by long nights,
sex, drugs, alcohol
and parties you won't remember.
like me, maybe.
who knows if you were troubled?
I think I saw a spark some time ago.
the one that made me fall so deeply.
I don't love you but
my last wish would be
to get to know
you, at least.

thoughts of you/b line

how can I even
try?
jesus do you even
get my demons?
this is a big city
and I can't be
waiting
for you to appear
at every corner.
this anxiety will
eat me away
and I can't deal with
it.
I should be happy
right now.
I should leave you
(and thoughts of you)
alone.
maybe in that way
you won't come back.

what if what I feel
reached you every
night?

the pleasures of the damned

the pleasures of the damned
are limited to brief moments
of happiness:
like the eyes in the look of a dog,
like a square of wax,
like a fire taking the city hall,
the county,
the continent,
like fire taking the hair
of maidens and monsters;
and hawks buzzing in peach trees,
the sea running between their claws,
Timedrunk and damp,
everything burning,
everything wet,
everything fine.

ugh/regret

sorry

I am sorry 

for all the things I haven't done

for taking things too far

for overreacting over the end

for thinking you were an exception

I don't know what was going on that afternoon

but I just

the memory of your smile

makes me wonder every night

if I what I did was right.

you looked so proud.

now you just look like

you want me to shut up.

but then again you don't

I don't get it I don't get it

what's going on between us?

who are you?

you know what makes me sleepless?

the things I said to you

nothing else

not even regret

I don't have regrets

that are not for you

that sucks

I love you so much

shit

the hostility of just not caring/religious ways

the preachers have been promising us

more than we could bare to hear.

in town this men and women

are nothing like the ones we are used to.

if it was my mistake

or the lord's mistake

I don't care.

ignorance is bliss.

the only thing I appeal to

in religion

is forgiveness.

what I need, and I just can't have.

my intentions are pure.

but who's got more authority

over my will

than my own ethics?

there's no forgiving to

my love.

I beg, for my life,

your acceptance.

my mistakes are solely

reflections of

the rage I have

to struggle with inside.

there's no control when

the human (or animal) instinct kicks in.

I'm just trying not to be

the weakest human being.

if someone was judging me,

oh I'd be to blame.

but the self inflicted damage

is already more than I can bare.

chinaski was right/whiplash

when t.v. shows had finally bored me

and I had no other games left to play,

the boredom hit me like a whiplash.

I went up through the corridor

and walked down the fake wooden floors.

the light was on,

though flickering.

I wasn't going to bother 

I wasn't going to change the lightbulb.

I turned on a desklamp 

and glanced back

at the glossy pages

of a business book.

I glanced down at my box of matches

and the remedy bottle.

for a second, 

a fraction of time,

I realised I was very sad.

I am very, terribly, uncontrollably sad.

I just can't see why.

skies bore me

rain bores me

sunshine bores me

you bore me.

boredom is the saddest of emotions.

how am I incomplete?

how are my self preservation standards 

so ruined?

I just really want to damn it all

and call you up-

I can't.

I am too sad

and so are you.

we live our sad little lives

through plastic books

and dirty geography texts.

I live for the strategy and the humour,

I just don't know what you live for.

everyone thinks I am pissed off

but I'm just truly

tired of it all.

maybe Chinaski was right

in feeling miserable

all this time.

misery 

brings

my existence

back into

pages.

the first ambiguity/efforts

everything is very cold now
no matter how hard I can try
I can't express how I feel
it's making me feel opressed

my hands are turning blue now
it's the chill which takes my will
I can barely move my fingers now
but everthing is quiet and still

nothing good
ever came
from people who don't
try hard

if I could comb back
my efforts
it'll be fine

the wind moves
like a ticking clock
slowly freezing me down
next to nothing

if I didn't
move fast enough
there would be no miracles,
my life would be... a bore

i used to hallucinate

i used to break walls and
sometimes bleed.
I look in mirrors;
I can't see

all I can appreciate
is tight skin
red face
tired eyes

I'd jolt for nothing
you would look at me
puzzled and bewildered
mostly, scared

because I saw
nightmares full of bugs
and people
crashing into cars

it's not there
it's not there
I never tell people
I never stay

let's just run away
I'm too tired
of thinking straight
where's my blanket?


if only
medicine
could make my
life better

wood platforms/smoke outside churches

well I hope they got something better
along the lines of "I'll be there"
smoking outside churches
and just generally not knowing anything

there's this strange blur
no way, I can't shake the fear from my bones
god's chill, god's will
god almighty, god won't save you

we've been fighting for centuries
there's just one struggle one can't win
I just hope that when they look at themselves in the mirror
in the morning there will be no need of sin

this accidents don't seem to happen
can we kill the soul inside them?
who will lose the faith three
days from now?

what a way to begin
the weekend