thursday

is there a reason for me to be awake today?

i will find it,

in the silent moving of dead flowers

a stream a hardwater running down a pebbled road

an empty gas station with an abandoned mitsubishi delica

or the smell of someone's kitchen in the evening,

slowly creeping through the windows 

and flooding into these quiet streets;

i'll find it,

there might be no reason to be moving forward,

but to be awake, only awake and alive,

is a gift enough

a no longer friend

there's a person I know (I don't want to call her a friend anymore) that lives for the internet performance. she is consistently and knowingly filling her self up with bullshit. she tries to be as radical and liberal as she can be on her social media, but the moment you're not aligned to what seem to be her outward values she looks at you like you're trash. and I can see through that, too. she doesn't align with my values, either. I think she's too harsh on everyone else even if she says she's not, and most importantly, I don't really think her ulterior motives are good. I don't think she's radicalizing her thoughts because that's what she feels, it's because she knows that's the right way to be if you want people to never be mad at you. 

what stinks is that we've tried to be friends, consistently over the span of 20 years, and that's been impossible for me. I can't trust her even if I tried. I trusted her for a brief span of two years and I was really comfortable with her but suddenly she changed, and refused to tell me what was wrong. pretended everything was fine but continued her discourse towards me filled with jealousy and raised eyebrows, when in reality I was just trying to show her who I was. I guess we aren't compatible but my friend group is also tied to her, and I've chosen to step away. she can keep them. 

diary entry

I wish I could go back to school. With the money and the knowledge I have now. With the pre frontal cortex development I've acquired. I was just too young to be sitting there learning stuff while all I cared about were boys. Now I think I could focus more on the habit of learning, failing, producing, failing again.

back muscles

there are new muscles in my back,

I can feel it.

I feel different

but I'm too busy trying to look the part

and I don't.

people don't say I'm different—

maybe I'm not.

but my new back muscles are there,

I just don't feel like anybody's looking

and it hasn't been long enough.

two months is not enough.

I don't want to be recognized,

I want people to say,

"what's happened to you?"

and only smile.

today I cried but it still feels tender

today my sister would have been 27.

her last birthday, celebrated, was the 18th.

she died 4 days later.

this morning i cried when i remembered 

last night's dream:

i had a time machine,

and sweet and loving, tender me,

27-year-old me, went back then,

to my soon to be 18-year-old sister,

wriggling in bed from the pain,

and with the sweetness only time gives you

i took her suffering away.

a new chance at life, magically.

with a cup of coffee in hand i cried

out of frustration and hearbreak

at the impossibility of life,

the permanence of death,

the undying quality of love.

i cried hours ago but it still feels tender.

my eyes feel swollen and my head hurts.

i've been reading, trying to get poems out of my head,

sit down, maybe type something.

it's a beautiful day and the spring sun shines again

in my kitchen:

the birds sing in the distance,

the refrigerator slowly hums,

my boyfriend kisses my cheek and understands

how i will always hurt.

the undying qualities of love.