the feed
does the internet know how it hurts?
can't it count on how many of my followers have cried at night?
sometimes it seems to know.
it kinda only shows me
what i want to believe in
spoon fed reality (but i
i really needed that.)
you can't block out whatever hunts you
but you can close your doors and shut your phone
it's more like blacking out into light, i guess
nobody will miss me if i'm gone,
nobody will know if i'm gone
i could stray away
into daylight
and i wouldn't be lost.
can't it count on how many of my followers have cried at night?
sometimes it seems to know.
it kinda only shows me
what i want to believe in
spoon fed reality (but i
i really needed that.)
you can't block out whatever hunts you
but you can close your doors and shut your phone
it's more like blacking out into light, i guess
nobody will miss me if i'm gone,
nobody will know if i'm gone
i could stray away
into daylight
and i wouldn't be lost.
time travellers
so how could i ever wish you wrong
if the only times i sleep are when
i can stop thinking about you?
i guess i would want you gone but not from this dimension
it's all yours, i appreciate the efforts
mostly out of my space and universe
shift my attention
towards something greater than me,
maybe moons, stars,
not your lips or your comebacks...
however i still hope
your plane gets delayed
forever
and you never come back.
i hope your misery plans
ring true
and you travel the world
alone.
because i don't even think
your soul
could follow you.
if the only times i sleep are when
i can stop thinking about you?
i guess i would want you gone but not from this dimension
it's all yours, i appreciate the efforts
mostly out of my space and universe
shift my attention
towards something greater than me,
maybe moons, stars,
not your lips or your comebacks...
however i still hope
your plane gets delayed
forever
and you never come back.
i hope your misery plans
ring true
and you travel the world
alone.
because i don't even think
your soul
could follow you.
wail (romance and sound)
i miss my baby
i miss my love
my darling handsome boy
i miss my baby
i miss the choice
i miss the waking up
in bathroom stalls
i miss the blankness
the rumour
counting sheep
in empty bathtubs
i miss holding the hand
i miss the sounds
i miss my baby
i miss my love
i miss whatever it is
i never will let it die
i miss my love
my darling handsome boy
i miss my baby
i miss the choice
i miss the waking up
in bathroom stalls
i miss the blankness
the rumour
counting sheep
in empty bathtubs
i miss holding the hand
i miss the sounds
i miss my baby
i miss my love
i miss whatever it is
i never will let it die
gift
i wanna reactivate my strength
he said i was some sort of gift
the universe has been kinder to strangers
and strange as it seems i'm falling apart for it
whoever might have shuffled the cards and
gave me, facing down
the sour sentiment of doom
i must appreciate that because
now i have slit my wrist and
they have not bled.
i might ever catch a glimpse of your boy shorts running down the street
and the backpacker backpack backpacking
the burden you carry
that can be seen from afar
the train station is not far
if you want to run
he said i was some sort of gift
the universe has been kinder to strangers
and strange as it seems i'm falling apart for it
whoever might have shuffled the cards and
gave me, facing down
the sour sentiment of doom
i must appreciate that because
now i have slit my wrist and
they have not bled.
i might ever catch a glimpse of your boy shorts running down the street
and the backpacker backpack backpacking
the burden you carry
that can be seen from afar
the train station is not far
if you want to run
the strength
this moon is such a drag;
it has limited the amount time i think about myself
if i open my eyes i can't see clearly
if i open my eyes, are you there?
all in spite i still believe
whatever came back and whatever will rush me forward
must be a message of where i should
lay my head and rest
has been aching and now i have
some really, really bad cramps in my legs
i ran away again,
but this time i was trying to chase you
instead you tripped, fell
i continued running and now i'm here
short of breath
beaten
but alive
it has limited the amount time i think about myself
if i open my eyes i can't see clearly
if i open my eyes, are you there?
all in spite i still believe
whatever came back and whatever will rush me forward
must be a message of where i should
lay my head and rest
has been aching and now i have
some really, really bad cramps in my legs
i ran away again,
but this time i was trying to chase you
instead you tripped, fell
i continued running and now i'm here
short of breath
beaten
but alive
not the prayers
do you know how hard it was? how hard it has been? like a shipwreck. i had to find compliance in things i thought buried. i wasn't really sure of what i was doing most of the time, trying to check your timespans and timelines in the hopes that i could catch a glimpse of you watching me. but most times i just got tired and it was useless, for messages sent were answered but not the prayers. not the prayers. an empty stomach followed a headache and i guess this is time for me to find a way out of the life that has been dragging me into this.
the weeks
you know what actually feels weird?
to be in love.
well i don't know if it's love
but it's falling.
it's like falling into a mushy type of mud
and something dirty but still smells nice
maybe like falling into a bowl of rice, i don't know
because i never felt the thrill
of having somebody ask about the nightmares
for more than two days.
you never asked about me
about her
about anything,
you just never cared.
how come i always gave my all? i wonder
i still have so much more to give
to be in love.
well i don't know if it's love
but it's falling.
it's like falling into a mushy type of mud
and something dirty but still smells nice
maybe like falling into a bowl of rice, i don't know
because i never felt the thrill
of having somebody ask about the nightmares
for more than two days.
you never asked about me
about her
about anything,
you just never cared.
how come i always gave my all? i wonder
i still have so much more to give
the wrecks
you've grown on me,
straddling like deadly disease
you've been creeping up my nerves
and rest your venom on my chest
then you bite and puncture the neck
that so many times you could have called a
home
but who is she, who am i,
and most importantly, who are you?
you sit there and pretend to care,
your mouth moves with quiet warnings
and i tell myself,
it's not in the eyes
it's in the mouth
it's in the lips
it's the poison of his kiss
that's what's keeping you hooked
and can't let me go,
only when my bones shake under the burden
of being alive,
because boy do i know that weight
better than you.
better than your sleeping pills.
better than anything you've ever said,
i know the pain.
don't act as if you could ever
even
fathom
the pain
straddling like deadly disease
you've been creeping up my nerves
and rest your venom on my chest
then you bite and puncture the neck
that so many times you could have called a
home
but who is she, who am i,
and most importantly, who are you?
you sit there and pretend to care,
your mouth moves with quiet warnings
and i tell myself,
it's not in the eyes
it's in the mouth
it's in the lips
it's the poison of his kiss
that's what's keeping you hooked
and can't let me go,
only when my bones shake under the burden
of being alive,
because boy do i know that weight
better than you.
better than your sleeping pills.
better than anything you've ever said,
i know the pain.
don't act as if you could ever
even
fathom
the pain
awareness
you know i've grown aware of myself.
of my lack of stability (i hit and miss and throw stuff and lose stuff and demand but i never give)
of my need to sleep (to prevent from falling and crying and regaing stability which was never mine)
of my spacing out (to the days where i thought i was happier than now though i used to panic with you around)
i have become aware of the person i am
of the one you chose to stay with
now my question is
are you?
she chose this
not you
but love never let her choose
when she realized she was falling it was late
she had broken a bone or two.
the confusion
i could write a book in my sleep
i wrote a few.
if you call not sleeping a dream.
it turns the lovers into fluff.
the yellowish remains of leaves
on the side of the road
have been rotten again
time and again
where i tried to hide my fears
and my broken bones
could anyone have seen my fall
could anyone instead take a part
could no one,
nobody
listen to the falling rain
for a second it's my radio
they're playing my song
it's called
i miss the solitude i never lost
i long for the life i always had
i have what i want but it's not really mine
description
put your sweater on.
stop yawning.
these gray walls can hear you cry.
they can see through your oldest tears.
you've let them dry,
now they shine on your cheeks
like the glitter i set on my eyes.
you're all the kinds of sleepy
the waves tickle your skin
in the subway
but then you're in bed instead
wishing you could stay that way
sip your coffee
turn off the lights
crack your knuckles
welcome back.
i love you
come back
yes it's bones
you look so small.
like you could fit inside my pocket.
when i talk about you
my eyes light up and i
just want to hold you
it's strange because i want to
hit and run
come and get you
but they don't know you're real
they have no way of knowing
you fit in my pocket
or maybe not in my pocket
let's try a bit bigger
in my bed
in my arms
still small.
still delicious.
still not a figure of relief.
a mystery.
a bag of bones.
but it's MY bag of bones
sunday
dormant eyelids now flutter.
but they never close.
no they can't close against dripping windowpanes.
they can't shut off the headache.
yes,
i got the memo,
it's fucking annoying
i'd make it stop if i could
i have been wondering: what is the root of all my evils?
is it you?
or is it me?
or is it something i can aim my blame at?
because if i was to blame,
oh dear we're going down to hell
with a one way
business class ticket
shit if i KNEW i was going to hell
i'd throw the biggest ass party
in the whole planet
just so you could see me crumble
ah i think about this
all the time
what are my miseries:
distraction
disappointment
lack of conflict
lack of commitment
lack lack lack lack lack
i wish i could hear your voice in drunken messages but it's dead it's long gone it's no longer yours.
but they never close.
no they can't close against dripping windowpanes.
they can't shut off the headache.
yes,
i got the memo,
it's fucking annoying
i'd make it stop if i could
i have been wondering: what is the root of all my evils?
is it you?
or is it me?
or is it something i can aim my blame at?
because if i was to blame,
oh dear we're going down to hell
with a one way
business class ticket
shit if i KNEW i was going to hell
i'd throw the biggest ass party
in the whole planet
just so you could see me crumble
ah i think about this
all the time
what are my miseries:
distraction
disappointment
lack of conflict
lack of commitment
lack lack lack lack lack
i wish i could hear your voice in drunken messages but it's dead it's long gone it's no longer yours.
stellar
if smiles could make a comeback
if going down on you was the solution
if the fireworks actually burned my throat
then everything would be
kind of like the color orange-
sort of hazy, in the end
nothing disgusting;
i wouldn't be complaining if
for a sudden change of pressure
i lost my change
but i would complain
in the case of leakage,
someone has broken into my
ribcage
and has taken something that never belonged to them.
i don't want it back, keep it.
it's kind of rotten now.
it used to be bright,
with a brand new metallic finish,
it's called will, hopes, and dreams
not to be confused with love
for i have never stolen
a single lonely heart
and i have never
heard mine stitch itself back up.
if going down on you was the solution
if the fireworks actually burned my throat
then everything would be
kind of like the color orange-
sort of hazy, in the end
nothing disgusting;
i wouldn't be complaining if
for a sudden change of pressure
i lost my change
but i would complain
in the case of leakage,
someone has broken into my
ribcage
and has taken something that never belonged to them.
i don't want it back, keep it.
it's kind of rotten now.
it used to be bright,
with a brand new metallic finish,
it's called will, hopes, and dreams
not to be confused with love
for i have never stolen
a single lonely heart
and i have never
heard mine stitch itself back up.
11pm
i used to fall asleep without you
i used to be fine with the running of the water
i used to dream.
now i lay with my mouth dry
trying to figure out what i
haven't done wrong.
i used to fall asleep without guilt.
but i'm guilty for a crime i didn't commit.
it's the empathy
my relief.
not even with your heartbeat i feel at ease
because i never know
how well i am doing
if it's the last time
or the first time
who's about to send the next goodbye
speed dial 2
i miss you so much oh my god. like how the hell does anyone stand this. this silence. i mean please. can ANYONE actually be like this? do you think that this doesn't hurt? who the fuck are you? i can't believe i keep on missing you. i miss your silence, i miss your voice. i miss almost everything and every single aspect about spending the night with you. i can't sleep at night sometimes because i keep on remembering the relief of your lips. am i insane? probably. i don't know. i don't know anymore. someone told me that if you didn't want to talk i should try calling you but every time i decide to call you you're asleep or away or god knows where. you live lost in a forest when in reality you're living in the middle of a buzzing city and that's exactly how i am. i'm the busy streets. you know that. i'm the smoke in your lungs and i love that. then you look out the window and see nothing but grey walls and i wish i could be there to see those walls with you standing there being cold and shivering from the rain. i wish. oh god how i crave you. how i wish you weren't a ghost. some of your friends said you were like a dead man walking. and i love you nonetheless. you're skin and bones but you're my skin and bones. where are you? can you please answer the phone? i love you. please. i love you.
trust?
i can't believe you've been broken.
i can't believe somebody walked in your veins and destroyed you.
i can't believe i stand in front of god's creation
and i see nothing but shredded pieces of glass.
who is this that has been a wave?
a colossal being that crashed you intimacy,
that thrashed your confidence,
that told you you weren't worth it?
who is this that leaves you hanging on the line,
waiting for a response,
when the heart can't take it anymore?
i can't believe there was someone so rude
to break you,
and time after time i watch from the window how you pick up the pieces
can't see me staring, but i'm there
i'm bigger than all that pain
but i can't fit through the holes
can't collate your bones
how hard is it to fix
what you haven't broken
and apologize
in the name of those you don't know
it's bittersweet i know
but it has to be done
been trying
been trying for miles
for days on end
then the sun is in your eyes
when i tell you i care
so you leave
blinded
tell me who's the sun here and who's trying to be
the pavement
the wind
the subway station
the heat
tell me who's been trying and who's been blinding
and even in silence i spend my time
not even knowing who you are
i can't believe somebody walked in your veins and destroyed you.
i can't believe i stand in front of god's creation
and i see nothing but shredded pieces of glass.
who is this that has been a wave?
a colossal being that crashed you intimacy,
that thrashed your confidence,
that told you you weren't worth it?
who is this that leaves you hanging on the line,
waiting for a response,
when the heart can't take it anymore?
i can't believe there was someone so rude
to break you,
and time after time i watch from the window how you pick up the pieces
can't see me staring, but i'm there
i'm bigger than all that pain
but i can't fit through the holes
can't collate your bones
how hard is it to fix
what you haven't broken
and apologize
in the name of those you don't know
it's bittersweet i know
but it has to be done
been trying
been trying for miles
for days on end
then the sun is in your eyes
when i tell you i care
so you leave
blinded
tell me who's the sun here and who's trying to be
the pavement
the wind
the subway station
the heat
tell me who's been trying and who's been blinding
and even in silence i spend my time
not even knowing who you are
how big, how blue, how beautiful
so much time on the other side
waiting for you to wake up
maybe i'll see you in another life
if this one wasn't enough
so much time on the other side
sin
we're in love with the sinners
within ourselves.
with the blank faces that scream
back at you and say
just fucking do it.
the one that looks at you in the mirror
and tries to convince you
that you've done nothing wrong.
we're in love with the filthy part of our brains.
the one that works out,
day and night,
ways to catch your sight,
to keep you hanging
from your seat
from the noose
from the top
i keep on swiping up these emotions
before they turn me into
the nightmare i can be
or maybe
want to
may 1st
i elevated my honesty
to a place where i can't return
i've been in arms for longer than normal
a goodbye turned into a precious time
into a
i'll go round the world with you
travel by deserts and pouring rains
for you
in a sweetness that
neither of us is ashamed of,
but still concerned.
what will happen when the other fades?
will i ever remain steady,
looking through the eyes that know me
and feel like i've actually reached
the place i wanted to be?
the always
always seems to be
a good relapsing measure
to take control of how much
i need to stop.
how many times a week my stomach feels full of trash and sadness
how many times me eyes flutter with fear
how often i cry when i can't control what surrounds me
how long it takes for us to wake up
it's a forever that's definite;
buried in my blood like good old
sinking stones
and i have images of sinking but
they're nothing like what i've seen before
speed dial 1
i guess you can't remember... i guess the voices are fleeting through your head now but back in the day we heard the siren call. and when the walls bent over us i could only hear your voice murmuring "i'm glad you're here..." but i guess you can't remember. i don't blame you, anyway. i don't call you, anyway. i can't say i'm sorry because there's nothing to be sorry for. being alive? the rain? the travelling on buses to get you? i guess the walls could melt but i'll still hear your voice silently calling me back to bed when the windowpanes got stained... i guess i can almost... fuck it. it doesn't matter anyway. good night.
connect
when he says i deserve more
what does it mean?
who do i deserve?
why does it always feel
like the ones that reach through my chest
only want to leave?
rain
how can't i miss you?
how can i evade the wind?
how come my shoes are wet and i lost my keys
for not caring
but i can't stop caring for you?
when the thrill left i
thought i'd do the same,
for it meant nothing
but it was always the world
and the word
and how we sung in the cavity
of each other's chest.
how could i ever begin to forget
how the embrace felt
when someone approaches
and leaves as they came?
will we ever find
the ones that fit,
and remember how we once did?
am i supposed
to chase you
to the ends of the world
until you find comfort from your head?
or will i wait,
for you to regain
the strength i never knew
and the person i thought you were
could finally be true?
drifters
someone's been stirring my wheels
i have not been sailin these seas
and i have no idea of how i got here.
maybe we became the tide that
had to drift or
was it the wind?
those are days of gold that
i can only recall
when my skin shivers
or when someone shares your touch,
other than that
with you i'm at a loss.
but not with the winds,
oh no,
ever so soft and warm,
they'll pull me from you,
silently,
we'll break apart...
roscharch
i saw a picture and
all i got were ribcages,
bones,
blood,
bones and more blood.
she said i had a problem
with how the body relates to me.
i guess it's living it's own stories
and tries to understand how everything works.
i see the anti-natural side of life
in my own veins
and at the same time i bare my teeth
and seek for bones
and blood, just blood.
maybe i'm violent inside,
or maybe just eager to
dive inside someone else's
ribcage.
barcelona
yes, sure, i'm in love. i'm in love with a city that tastes like almonds and rotting leaves. i'm in love with the salt that flows silently and merges with the lavender and mint hills where all streets are set to be adventures. the city with the corners bent like my will, curling its toes to see right above god's mighty creations; where everything is just a twenty minute walk away. a city so small that could break my heart within minutes with its forged iron balconies and strange architectures. and suffering, boy has it cried and cried into the mediterranean and has it seen defeat but it hasn't stopped her from flourishing and being the beauty that now stands in front of me. it takes my breath away each day and each night. yes, i am in love. i can't help it.
the tune
legs washing
two months drinking champagne
now i can't eat
can sleep
can't drink but drink anyway
the t-shirt is stained
there's only one beat and it beckons
it beckons on top of everyone else
can't shut it
can't skip it
it's still rocking me inside.
two months drinking champagne
now i can't eat
can sleep
can't drink but drink anyway
the t-shirt is stained
there's only one beat and it beckons
it beckons on top of everyone else
can't shut it
can't skip it
it's still rocking me inside.
sour sleepless eyes
yes i know it's addictive
unhealthy and improbable
but there's the rain and there's my throat also
just trying to clean the duties left undone
we could just begin to mend
or mold into new shapes
whatever we'll do we'll do it together
it doesn't scare me
to catch you staring
it doesn't matter if i can go on for days
about how i think you saw through someone elses' eyes
rooftops and bandcamps and sour sleeping eyes
sour sleepless nights
they seem so far from real to me now
unhealthy and improbable
but there's the rain and there's my throat also
just trying to clean the duties left undone
we could just begin to mend
or mold into new shapes
whatever we'll do we'll do it together
it doesn't scare me
to catch you staring
it doesn't matter if i can go on for days
about how i think you saw through someone elses' eyes
rooftops and bandcamps and sour sleeping eyes
sour sleepless nights
they seem so far from real to me now
history will miss this
when i was seventeen my daddy kicked me out of my house and it was raining. he left the car on and i ran away without knowing where to go. i cried on a taxi cab to my mother's empty house and i survived until she came back. now i visit him and he says i'm no good, he says i'm worthless and i can't think for myself and my voice you know, it never shakes. i never even quiver when he calls me names. i stand up for my self even if it scares me to death. even if it moves my guts so hard it makes me want to vomit. all of it, i'm all of it. i'm the one he kicked out and i'm the one that still came back.
so darling when you call me when she's in someone else's bed you're no better than the man that tried to send me away. you're no better when i'm your second choice to someone who doesn't know who you are anymore. and my voice won't shake, and my eyes will be dry when i tell you you're dishonest. i can think for myself and after being through hell and back, and after seeing through death's eyes and seeing that upon the face of chaos she still smiles, i'm not letting you put me down. you're no one. but i'm making my own history. and you're not in it. none of you are in it.
january
do we have to build a wall over strange desires?
is it compulsory to back away from what makes us stronger?
my feet hurt and my hands bleed
but the drumming in my heart doesn't seem to be stopping.
and my skin has turned red,
then black.
scorched, tanned.
glossed over by time.
i am rock, sand and waves;
i'm never stopping till i get what i want.
now i'm stronger, happier, still not sure of anything,
i'm the most powerful me i've ever been.
buckle up guys
i'm coming
week #1
there was a hole in me that was there long enough for me not to see it. it was the abstinence of self love given up for the promise of company. it was a hole that i filled with things unsaid and pretty much ingrained in my brain that i couldn't be happy without somebody else.
but it's been a week of weakness and crying myself to sleep over thoughts that back home seemed hopeful. i cried for the death of what i always wanted but at the same time never had. i cried for how i should have done things differently. i cried because i didn't know how to act. but it was just one time and then i was free again.
the sea looked at me and my throat clogged up. the sea was watching my every move and corroded the palms of my hands in five minutes. it was a cold embrace to be honest but it was for the best. it reminded me that loneliness is my worst enemy but solitude doesn't have to be. i can be alone at times and take care of myself. this is what i need.
i hope they don't call, i hope no one texts. i hope no one reminds themselves of me again. i hope fall comes with things to share but i'm not waiting for the world to unravel infront of my eyes. i've acquired a taste for disappointment which will, in the long run, keep me alive.