it's been raining in the desert

i'm retracing our steps,

but everything's changed,

everything's changing

the radio still fails

the heart still skips a beat

the sofa's broken and it always will be

it's been raining in the desert for days.

i retrace our steps

i'm happy to say

you're not there

you're not there anymore

and i could learn how to heal

i still feel your rush against my skin

or your smell in my hair

but these are not my memories

i've peeled them off like new skin

everyone asks about you,

you're gone with the sea

i'm gone in the wind

with the blink of an eye

i travel 900 miles

and i am no longer who i used to be

always cold

it's me. it's always been me. 

i've always been talking about myself because i'm the only character i'm capable of developing. 

here i am, i have nightmares and i still hope you'll text me as often as i think about you. i drink my coffee with milk and cinnamon. i am always cold. i dress like an adult. i wear lipstick. my hair is weird. i can't see very well. i watch all the movies you like and i sneak your social media profiles in case you manage to like me. 

i thought i could beat anxiety but it seems like it never wanted to leave me. 

i don't think i could be someone else. 

i don't think i could handle yet another universe.

oops, i fell

silence is not a waste of time, i guess. but it is to mix with the silence of others. they fill it with words to make up for their lack of passion. the fill it with words to make me feel less like a failure. but you don't need to explain yourself. silence is overruling us, but it won't choke, it won't break us. it will make us. and it will teach me to take my time.

i promise some day i'll learn to wait in line.

back weekends

had the moon set eyes on you
i wouldn't have known
i have been sleeping in apartment blocks
had the wind blown over your sadness
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy making you warm
had the sun shone in your day
i wouldn't have known
i was too busy being blinded

nature has no control
over the takeover of my soul
but there's this mirror
and your hands
and there's my hope

aesthetics

drinking wine on a summery thursday night, wearing my underwear and enjoying the humid midnight breeze. alone. but comfortably alone and in silence.

tuesday, 2:08 am

i slept too poorly

i slept too much

i slept trapped in nightmares

i slept thinking of your touch

i woke up screaming

for the second time in the month

i was being pinned

and now i have a sour taste in my mouth

i slept too poorly

i slept too much

i missed work

and i got drunk

i slept around

and i followed the rules

i won

but i failed too

and now i can't sleep without you

boredom will make me punch holes into the walls