at this point in time I am usually talking about the year that just went by. I just don't feel like giving up on it just yet, so I don't want to digest it and conclude it. there's so much more to this year that what I could actually grasp, and it feels like it was all a consequence of my own decisions, which I am proud of. one of the things I have been getting the most from people is that I look different. but nobody can put a finger on why. is it my skin? my hair? have I lost weight? well, all those three for sure but there's also something else entirely which has caused this change. and I think it's just that I am getting older and the boundaries I once set for myself are beginning to fall apart.
I started this blog fourteen years ago, almost. my grandfather had passed away. he would write poetry himself; I didn't know this at the time but I wanted to dabble on poetry myself as well. and a second language blog made it easier for me to digest my feelings. it still is. so this has gone on since then, and this blog has seen so many more deaths: my sister (2015), my dad's mom (2023) and my mom's mom (2025). four deaths as landmarks of my own living. it has also seen relationships, failed loves, dreams, frustrations. it has seen it all. and I continue to see it all.
my writing has also changed. my interests have changed. I want to get married and have children. I have talked about my fertility with my doctors. I am no longer a teenager nor I intend to remain as such. I want to be the woman I want to be, first and foremost. and maybe that woman is a wife and a mother, but also, maybe she's not. we'll find out.
my mom and I talk a lot about saturn's return. she had me at her first return. during her second, her mother died. and it just feels like suddenly I understand it, too. I will be a mother and she will be a grandmother, then, she will die and I will be a grandmother (maybe) and then I will die, too. but that's fine. I've come to terms with it, kind of.
I look back into 2023 and 2024 with great grievance. those years I was so lost. I was so sad. I was trying to find a way out of the woods where I had immersed myself in late 2022. and I think this year there was also an olive branch that helped change a lot of these feelings: my dad. we got along just fine, for the first time in 28 years. and we would talk, and hang out, and I miss him when I don't see him. and he calls me, and I call him, and I'm honest about things. he came to say goodbye to my grandma and brought flowers. and I don't know, maybe this is all I wanted. maybe all I wanted was to be in good terms with him and I strive to keep it that way. it's hard, lately, it's been hard to get out of my house or call people, but I miss the guy. and he misses me, too, but he isn't being an asshole about it and I appreciate that. we've both grown up. I forget this is also his saturn's return.
there was a lot of writing involved this year and surprisingly also a lot of reading. I read more than I usually do. I liked Alessandro Baricco's last novel, Abel, a lot. I read it in one sitting. I have been trying to read books from my own library (which is vast and eclectic) and I have taken time to read instead of write and it has helped immensely with advancement of big ideas. one thing I've noticed though, is that I am not open about my writing process. it feels very intimate, in my mind, to write. I only write for myself, and there's so much here to process, that involving others would just make it more difficult.
in 2026 I hope I wear more shoes and I go to the cinema more. life is not that long. people in this city have a terrible sense of style and I am not responsible for that, so I will do with my outfits what I want, even if that means I am somewhat overdressed at the function 75% of the time. and I also want to keep growing out my hair, though maybe I should trim it a bit. she's looking wild, but healthy. it fell out so badly in 2024 that it feels criminal to even touch it.
this year I've appreciated my immediate family and my friends a lot more. I have made sparse new friendships and probably lost quite a few in the mix. the dividends are negative, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I've come to notice. after losing people I started to change into something I like more. maybe I am not meant to have a million friends right now. that's fine. I love the ones that I have. they can fill a table at my one bedroom apartment and make me laugh.
so here's to growth, I guess. I am hopeful that I will continue to grow. it is painful but I look back at my past selves and for once I feel like a mother trying to calm a child. I am more gentle with myself now. I am proud of my size, my achievements, my voice. I am a professional, a woman, I am a romantic and I am also terribly angry at everything all the time. but it's in those spaces where I am learning to move forward, and so I will.